First, serious congratulations are in order for remaining a virgin until you were into a loving caring relationship before having sex, AND for BEING a caring male partner, AND for having a loving, caring female partner. Good Job!

I'm a 47 year old female, in a great second marriage, with a great husband. In my first marriage (at 18 years old), both my husband and I were also virgins.

Here's some insight for consideration (from a gal that's got a LOT of "mileage" when it comes to sex...because I think sex is terrific!)

First, just like ANYthing you're first getting into, there's ALWAYS going to be some bumps along the road and 'learning curves' to throw you into a loop of frustration. The sooner you both realize that they ARE gonna be there, and sooner each of you can stop having negative emotions and feelings because you hit a bump or a learning curve :) This situation isn't anybody's "fault"; it sounds to me just like a learning curve.

Next, to become seriously proficient at ANY sport, it takes a LOT of practice to work out the kinks and various techniques before you can 'get it right' a major percentage of the time... so what you're experiencing is probably just plain normal (and hey, practicing at this sport CAN be a total blast if you don't get all stressed out about it!)

Then, there's the ole 'magic of the cllmax' thing...it's kind of a "Magical X Factor" until you've got quite a bit of experience under your belt and have LOTS of various situations, techniques, tricks, turn-ons, and outcomes 'at the ready' so you can make good comparisons and choose the right 'play' out of the 'play book'. So it can be REALLY frustrating and upsetting when something doesn't work quite right when you're first 'getting into the game'. For example, early on in my first marriage, I had a bad 'stress day' and my hubby wanted to make me feel better and give me a "really good one", but no matter how hard we tried, I just couldn't have an cllmax. Then I got really upset and stressed out about it (and so did he), and the next time we had sex, it was at the forefront of my mind all the time we were having sex. Guess what? Yep, no cllmax. And that started a HORRIBLE 4-6 month period where he couldn't make me come and I couldn't make myself come either. Argggh...the whole time was just awful, and it's ALL we thought about, worried about and talked about -- and I'd have given ANYTHING if I'd had a place to ask and get some advice. All we really needed to do was start enjoying each other, playing around more, try out a bunch of new stuff 'just for funzies' and let our natural desire take over. But we kept stressing about it, and it seemed like it took FOREVER to get over the whole thing.

Think of pro athletes fresh out of HS or college. They've been performing like major stars when they weren't 'under pressure' to perform, but let them hit the big leagues and all the various stress factors, and real-quick like you're going to see a major 'slump'. They're 'off their game', they've got stressers and issues they NEVER had before when they performed or played...and you got it - the more they stress about it, the longer and deeper 'the slump' becomes.

What's one of the quickest ways to get "un-slumped"...take the 'game' back to the place where you enjoyed it most, sink a couple of three-pointers or hit a homer and all of sudden...you're back!

Oh sure, there MAY be some little physical thing messing up a little bit, but more than likely it's just the stress of not seeing her for so long, and having major stress because you BOTH want this time to be SO right and perfect. Hey, that even happens to me n' my hubby.

Since we're older now (and self-employed and work together 70+ hours a week at our art), sometimes the urge to get really 'into sex' just isn't there. And we can get satisfied by just kissing, hugging and messing around a bit, without getting all sweaty and down to the nitty-gritty. After a couple of weeks, we'll make "a date" and wipe the slate clean to have a few hours of great sex. And one or the other of us will get stressed/concerned so much about making sure the other person has a great cllmax, that one of us just can't quite make it there. And we sigh and look at each other and say, "well, grrrr, we did it again - silly ole us". And that's kind of like your situation now. Being away at college means that when you DO get together, you both reallyReallyREALLY want it to be perfect....so there's that stress. But you know what, it ain't nuttin' but a thing!

And it makes really good sense that after being apart, that getting back together is putting quite a bit of stress on the situation...and coupled with not having years & years of practice and knowledge (and the fact that both of you really do care a LOT about your sex life)...well, it sounds like 'par for the course' to me.

My suggestion? STOP trying to achieve "the ultimate perfect cllmax/sexual experience" as the perfect end to sex, and go back to square one...you know, just playing and touching and kissing all the over the place - NOT because you're trying to make each other achieve an cllmax, but because you just love playing and touching and kissing all over each other, and you love the tingly feelings and arousal all the fun stuff brings.

Sex is THE most fun an adult can have, but if we take the fun out of it, it just turns into something else we need to figure out and stress over...and when it comes to sex (both male and female!) stress can seriously put the hurt on performance.

You're gonna handle this great - just get back to the fun stuff and let 'er rip! :)

Blessings,

Unyquity

Hi,

According to Sue Johanson, sex therapist and nurse, if you can cllmax when you masterbate then it is not a medical problem when you can't do it with your girlfriend. It is a emotional problem.

Since you didn't have the problem before, maybe you were too focused on trying to ensure having a good time, since you spent a month apart.
Is this your first year of college? That first year is so extremely stressful for so many reasons...whether you can sense the stress or not.

I wouldn't read too much into the "emotional problem" thing either. The first time I heard that rationale was on an episode of Sex & the City. I'm not saying that it's not true, because it probably is NOT a medical problem, but if you read too much into it, you'll just cause more problems.

It's also very refreshing to see that you're going to separate colleges and trying to work things out that way. That can also be very stressful and that line of trust becomes very long and hard to see...and that sometimes has an effect on the love life.

Nothing takes 'the fun' out of love making/sex then 'an agenda'.... Perhaps on some level, you both 'had an agenda' of pleasing one another etc... hence creating 'performance anxiety'... <-- Will definately prevent cllmaxs

Just a random question - are you on antidepressants? Paxil/Wellbutrin/Prozac/Effexor are notorious for shutting down your cllmax. I see that your original post is from last month - are things all better now?

Jen