hello everyone,

I wish to tell about something I have a distinct feeling is a past life. It is a dream i had two or three times while beeing a kid.

I think I am a girl, because I am female in everyday s life. But i am wrong. Even with long flowing dark straight (somehow I notice this because my hair is usually curly) hair I am a boy of about 13 or 14. My brothers and me are running down a long corridor with large walls but not hight ceilings. At the end of it we stop. A door is a little bit open . And light is to be seen.We have to be careful since before the doorway are lots of furnitures. It seems as if there is no order for the furnitures. So I and 3 or 4 other surrounding me (brothers)- in fact i only know i am one of the elder children, either the eldest or the secong eldest.There in this big room who looks more like alibrary. on the right side are lots and lots of books written in a language I can t identify-too far away, but it could be Chinese...On the left is a man standing on a elevated something, and is talking to a gathering group of men who are listening attentively.The man has long greyish hair, slanted dark eyes and some chin beard ( it s really thin and only on the chin so you cant call it a beard ). And he looks some kind of scholar. When I look at him I immediately know and feel this is my father. The men and my father are all wearing clothes which are very wide and full of different colours. i know father is also a merchant. a merchant and a scholar.

Then I see myself running in the garden.Here too I mistook myself at the beginning for a girl because i was wearing wide clothes,and too me it looked like a dress. But it was not. Just fashion for men. i hide behing a tree and i take out a knife i had stolen from the kitchen.i look around afraid someone might look. And with my left hand i take all the hair and with my right hand i am holding the knife reading tocut the hair at the base of the neck.But at the same time a hand suddenly is holding back my right wrist where the knife is. I turn round and am face to face with a young warrior in full equipment,so it seems to me. He is 17 and i know he is the one my father was waiting for. If I remember corrrectly he is a noble s son. He is bending down to me while holding my wrist since he is a good one head and a half taller than me. He has long black hair in a high ponitail till the middle of his back. Something what looks like a sword-a bit differrently. and a kind of armor protecting part of the legs and the arms and kind of boots. His face is tanned from the sun and he has slanted eyes, too. His name is Chiaki. I know because my afther will present him to our family. And while bending down he says in a voice which seems sad but also angry: " DON T CUT YOUR HAIR!!!" He is not shouting , just saying it forcefully and at this moment i notice that he is warrior and all of his hair is up in a ponytail while mine is unbound and flows freely down my back. Then i understand what he means, i can t cut my hair. I will become a warrior too soon since i have almost reached adulthood and then the symbol of it is the more or less long hair in a high ponytail.I don t know why i know this. I just know.

The rest is just a rush: me getting older, as warrior: but always by my side the two most important people for me: father and Chiaki. i ti s a very strong and warm feeling; beeing home: first with father, he was the first two give me this feeling, than Chiaki.
The another picture of an upset Chiaki and then we as lovers.But strangely being a warrior but still having him by my side is also feeling home, the home I don t want ever to leave again.

Here everything ends, just the fleeing vision of something drastic happening and somehow the death of Chiaki:this i can t see, because it s too blurry, too fast. i just feel his death. Then nothing.Blackness.

i am not sayin g it s a past life because I often dreamt it as kid, but also it started again some 8 years again ,well now.
As kid I sometimes beacuse of it I was ok by being a girl but then becuase of this dream couldn t accept beeing a girl,like it felt totaly wrong: I wouldn understand why I wasn t a boy and hon estly until the age of 11 or 12 was sure to transform into a boy again becoming me.Because of that I had no problem beeing a girl as long as i could be a boy again later. But puberty: disillusion, disillusion.

only so many words to say the dream came back more forcefully.
It started 2 years ago again.Since then i am dead inside. i am totally indifferent to so many things, like sseing no point in life. But strangely the only thing which keeps me going on ,like a pushing : is some overwhelming more than wish, longing to find father and Chiaki again. i love my friends, my family, but the feelings I am holding for father and Chiaki is so much more intense :it IS TRULY HOME! What makes me afraid is that if in order to see them again i had to give up something important,say family, i would sadly but they are so much important!!!
I just can t feel like this! My family is here in 21 century , how come the intense feeling i held for them is nothing compared to what father and Chiaki are meaning to me. It s like call a pull to go to Japan. I like this country, never been there, but it s like a call!! A very strong one. i thought such dreams , or past life are supposed to be just to remeber , not possibly to meet agian.
And damm it , because of it I started again having this overwhelming strong feeling of beeing a man and not a woman..


Am i having hallucinations? Why I am reacting so strongly towards the one who was my father and the other who was my lover and have to be with them again because otherwise lifes seems so empty, devoid of any meaning??

Please I really advice!!!!!

Rynen