Ann,
Wise words. For those of us who have gotten off the track, it's hard. For the newly paired, I would say "PAY ATTENTION" She is right.

4, 5, and 6 are the major issues in my situation. And learning to trust again is going to take a lot of rebuilding. There hasn't been any 'moral transgression'....simply too many unkind, hurtful things said and done.

My very wise friend explains it this way: we harm relationships by shovelfuls (an unkind word, act, etc) and we build them by teaspoonfuls (a kind word, a kind act, etc) It doesn't seem 'fair' but I think that is very true. It is wise to refrain from hurting those we love; there is the caring, sharing, trust, cyle....when we care, we share...when we feel that we can trust, we share more. When that doesn't work, it is very hard to be intimate emotionally.

On a side note: one 'friend' (and I use that word loosely) said I was being ridiculous to expect any kind of emotional intimacy with my husband....he was a MAN, and men can't be tender, sensitive, attentive, etc. I might have bought it, except he went on to tell me that I was a selfish, self centered, lousy excuse for a wife; and that my concern for my mental health was highly overexaggerated. I let it eat at me for a while, and then I realized that he had to believe my marriage difficulties were all me, because he told me that his marriage break up four years earlier was ALL his wife, and that he was not one bit to blame. He is happily married now, but he says not one day goes by that he doesn't think sadly of his ex-wife. I think deep down he knows the truth; that he had some fault, but he couldn't see it; and so had to be so harsh with me. I guess I learned SOMETHING from it--the pain that a failed marriage brings. I KNEW that--I can imagine the sadness it would cause. I bawled all those years ago when I watched "The Way we Were" and I was in high school back then. I remember even now thinking, but you LOVE each other. Can't you work it out? Maybe I should watch it again.

I went on too long. That happens with me.
Thanks again Ann.
pj