hi autumn,

this is really in response to the "honesty time" message you posted 19 days ago. i am responding in a new post because i was not sure you would see it otherwise.

your post moved me. such a caring and giving person, and yet so alone...sad.

i contemplated what to say and have come upt with several things, i hope they are of use to you.

The Parable of the Cakemaker

There once was a reknowned cake maker. his cakes were the envy of every other baker and people came from all around to wait in line to get a chance to buy one of his masterpieces fresh from the oven. his secrets were carefully guarded and he did all of the prep and cooking himself. such deliciously seductive aromas wafted from his bakery every day!
one day he started making a cake. he first started with the dry ingredients, the flour, the salt, the baking powder. the cake took a look around at the finished cakes setting out for the customers to purchase and said to itself, "look at me i am nothing but a mound of bland dry tastless powder, i will never attain the delicious nature of the other cakes."
then the master chef added the liquid ingredients, the water, the eggs, and the butter (freshly shurned that morning) the cake said, "oh no, now look i have become a gooey gloppy mess, no one will ever want to buy me like this."
then the master chef added the sweetners, sorghum mollases, ginger and vanilla. the cake said "sure now i probably taste better but still i am a gloppy mess."
the master chef continued with pouring, cooking, cooling, and then frosting and decorating the cake. alway the cake found its present state horribly unfit.
finally after putting on the final masterful touches, the master chef presented the cake to his loyal customers.
"ohhhhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhh...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" they all said.
"oh," said the cake, "now i understand."

the point of the story is that the master chef, Our Creator, is in the process of transforming all of us into even more beautiful creatures than we already are. the process takes time, and happens in stages. each stage is built on the previous one, and no stage can be skipped. during one stage you may feel incomplete, inadequate, alone, sad, hopeless etc. but that is only one stage. The Creator is still working and will continue to push along your spiritual, emotional evolution. don't stop just because things seem hopeless now, they will not always seem that way, i promise!

also here is a website that has helped me tremendously in my times of despair and crisis.

http://www.nderf.org

it is a massive collection of various peole's nde's. some of them are so moving, profound, uplifting, and inspirational that you will weep as you read them. also read the ones who attemtped suicide, had an nde, and then came back to their body. without fail they report that the loving spirits on the other side made very clear that 1. our lives are not ours to take. and 2. suicide is a serious detriment to your long term spiritual development.
reading through various accounts on this site can be very illuminating.

so take courage. you are a beautiful caring person, so many would like to be and are not. you have very special, sacred purposes on this earth that no one but you can fulfill, the Creator cares deeply for you.

i am pulling for you and think you are a great person. the world needs more people like you in it.

ff