Hello Everyone -

Here's a little background on myself which may help to fill in the "missing pieces":

I was sexually abused by a man when I was just a child. Fortunately, I was abused only via penis-to-penis friction (what today is known as "frotting"), and not anally.

I would go back to this man for "more," and soon we were having an "affair" of sorts, until I was maybe about 10 years-old. Then I started realizing that what we were doing was "wrong." But up until then, he was the only person in my life who was making me feel good.

I was a beautiful child, with many talents, and my sister was jealous of me, and my father loved me, but he didn't know what to think of me, and my mother loved me "too much", in a suffocating way.

On top of that, I was bullied by many of the other little boys because I always had all the little girls after me.

In fact, before the abuse - and a little bit during, I remember kissing all the little girls and getting erections. And my sexual confusion didn't really begin, of course, until the abuse.

But I later learned that my issue had more to do with being violated, and my sexual development being disrupted, more than homosexuality itself.

After I was abused, I started to wrestle naked with my boy cousin, and wrestled to ejaculation with many neighborhood boys - all by rubbing our penises together.

Consequently, in later years, I found it difficult, if not impossible, to insert my penis into a vagina, and have "normal" heterosexual relations.

It wasn't until I started seriously seeing a woman when I was 29-years-old that I first "made love," heterosexually. And that's because she "walked me" through everything. "This is what you do with your finger," "Then you do this," she would say, so patiently and gently.

And that's when I realized that sex had more to do with being intimate and gentle than "having sex" itself.

I didn't know that before. Before that, my sexual gratification resulted from aggressive, friction penis-to-penis orgasm. I never kissed the other little boys, but we "rubbed". I would save the kissing for girls. But I never had sex with them.

Again, not until I was 29. And then my first hetero experience only happened AFTER I learned to forgive my abuser for what he had done to me. And I'll never forget the day that I did.

I was in the tub. I had been "sleeping" with this woman for months. I was making progress with her via her instructions, but I was still unable to insert my penis into her vagina.

Until this one day, in the tub, when I prayed to God, "Dear Lord," I said, "what is it that you want me to do? Every other man that I know has inserted his penis into a vagina. But I haven't. What am I to do? How can I accomplish this?"

Then I heard a voice. Not an "audible" voice, but that "still small voice" that said, "Forgive him."

And I replied, "Forgive him?"

"Forgive him," the voice repeated in turn.

And so I did, right there in the tub. I forgave the man who abused me.

The next day, I inserted my penis into that woman's vagina, and ejaculated.

You'd think I would have won a million dollars that day. I was as happy as anyone could be, walking around the malls, wanting to buy everyone gifts.

And even though I was somewhat of a conservative Catholic at the time, I believe God was allowing me to have pre-marital sex because He knew how important it was for me to have accomplished this "act."

Anyway, that's when I realized, too, that I wasn't altogether gay, mostly because I enjoyed my penis being in this woman's vagina.

Unfortunately, she later dumped me, and I was devastated. She felt that she only played a "healing" role in my sexual life, and it was time for us to part.

As I look back, I'm glad that she did. But again, at the time, I was devastated. So much so, that I never had sex with a woman again. I never had sex with ANYONE again.

Then, a few years ago, my young cousin died at 43. Then, a good friend of mine died at 48. And I realized that time was short, and that I had always had a crush on that friend I have known since high school.

He was beautiful, blond and had perfect abs before abs were invented as they are today. Also, everything he ever touched, seemed to turn to gold. But I never told him anything. One night, we were both shirtless at a friend's house, sleeping over, and I sensed that he would have been open to any advances that I made. But I never made them.

Then, 30 years passed, and I realized I still was attracted to him - and that maybe also I wanted not so much to be with him, but to BE him.

We reconnected at a high-school reunion, and we began flirting back and forth, ever so subtly, via email.

He was now married, doing very well, and had two children. One adopted, one by in vitro vertilization, which led me to wonder if he couldn't insert his penis into his wife's vagina.

At any rate, we both pulled away. We were getting too close, and after a few more emails, we would have "done the deed." When I was a kid, all I wanted to do with him was wrestle naked, and rub our penises together. Now, I was actually having romantic feelings for him, as I would with a woman, and I wanted to kiss him - something I never thought about doing with any male.

But as I say, we both pulled away - out of fear, on many levels. Number 1: I did not want to be responsible for the break-up of any marriage. His wife is a beautiful person, and his children are blessed in many ways.

So that was that.

Yet, here I sit, more than two years after seeing him, and almost 30 years after first meeting him, and I am left pining for him.

How could it be that such feelings could be so strong for so long, after so many years?

What does it all mean?

That's the first part of the main question.

And we've all discussed here before the second part of my challenge: If I ultimately decide that I am gay, is that okay with God? And is that the way it's supposed to be?

Beyond all of those questions, I love this man very much, and I would love nothing more to be with him - but only if he were to make the decision to leave his wife and life as it is now, and not because of me.

Thoughts?

"George"