My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time >and
trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for >making
me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal >an
envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of >your
concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet >stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these >products
are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no
longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with >a
needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a >perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since >they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number >for
which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, >Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my >free
replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now >have
their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward >an
e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five ! minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about >to
die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive >the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in >their
special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now >return
the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your >
head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.