Blondes and Computers:
An old man was outside trimming his hedges and doing yard work in general. The blonde from next door comes outside and went straight for her mailbox. She opens the mailbox and finds nothing in there and slams the mailbox and stomps back into her house. A few minutes later she comes back outside and goes to the mailbox and opens the mailbox finds nothing inside so slams it shut and storms back inside. After several minutes she comes back outside again and goes for the mailbox and opens it up and finds nothing, she then slams it shuts and starts to stomp inside. Her neighbor is outside trimming his hedge, watching this take place. The man askes her what is going on and she replys "everytime I go inside and get back on my computer it tells me that I've got mail!"


Hebrew: gender of computers:
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As you may know, Hebrew nouns have gender. When the time came to translate the word "computer" to Hebrew, its gender had to be decided. Two committees of experts were established, one of men and the other of women. Each committee was instructed to decide on the machine's gender: "Machshev" (male form) ???? or "Machshevet" (female form) ????? , and to give their rationale.

The women's committee recommended that computers be "Machshev" ???? (male) for these reasons:

1.To get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2.They will usually do what they are asked, but nothing more, and they won't think of doing it on their own.
3.They are supposed to solve your problems, but most of the time they are the problem.
4.As soon as you are committed to one, you find out that had you waited just a little longer, you could have had a better model.
5.They become outdated in five years and need to be replaced, but some users feel that they have invested so much by then that they put up with a model past its usefulness.

On the other hand, the men's committee believed that computers should be "Machshevet" ?????(female) for these reasons :

1.No one but the Creator understands their inner logic.
2.The language they use to communicate among themselves is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3.Even your slightest error is maintained in long-term memory for use at a later date.
4.The error message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I am mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you!"

And today we can see that the women's committee prevailed since the Hebrew word for computer is (male) :"Machshev" ???? .

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven:

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.

In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are in a year?

3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered:

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."

2. There are 12 seconds in a year."

3. God has two first names and they are Andy and Howard."

Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......"

"OK, I give" said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"

Forrest said "Well, from the song... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...?

And the prayer... 'Our Father who art in Heaven Howard be thy name....'"

Saint Peter let him in without further ado.

Forgiving Your Enemies:

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.This time he received a response of eighty percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' "I don't have any." "Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you? "Ninety-three."
"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said: "It's easy. I outlived them all!"