Hi Im a 15 year old girl and I suspect i was touched when i was younger. I have no memory but i have so many symptoms of sexual abuse as a child. The one that really freaks me out is that a symptom is being aroused while hearing about a child whos been abused. Im not a pedophile(i actually prefer older men)but apparently thats my body "reliving" the abuse. Ive always felt so connected to the victims on law and order SVU and im so attracted to those stories, it makes me feel disgusting. I cant have intimate relationships, I have serious trust issues and ive had multiple rape dreams, and all i think about is sex. When i was super young i forgot how old i was i had a dream a man was peeing towards me and i wet the bed from the dream. I also had a dream my guyfriend raped me. In 6th grade i had a dream that i was being raped by an older man and i said my boobs were gonna explode for some reason?? Like what?? I sexualize meaningful relationships no matter who it is and i love being humiliated and being in pain during sex and ive always fantasized about rape an I don't know why I feel so disgusting saying that. When i was younger i tried to kiss my uncle in the bad way. Ugh ew saying that makes me so grossed out. But i think that was my way of acting out?? Like ok?? if that means anything. I feel like saying no to a man is rude and i feel the need to please men how ever they like no matter what it is and i feel like my sexuality is so dirty and shameful.I feel like every man just uses me for sex and is taking advantage of me. I have so many symptoms of sexual abuse its crazy. I just dont have any memories.I feel like sex is the only thing I'm good at. I did have a messed up family life and child hood i was always put down on my weight and my parents didnt stand up for me or nurture me like they should have so now i have body dysmorphia disorder, depression, and im suicidal and went through 2 eating disorders. I was also depressed as a child i never felt connected to my body. Please help me!!