The Father 
#207067
8 y
1,557
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
Energy Awareness Course
Use CureZone kode to get a free session!
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Free Shipping on order over $29
Reading some of the posts on here has made me really start to wonder about my own situation.
Wow!
I'm dating a woman whose family is incredibly religious, very controlling (although they would never admit it) and seem to be involved in every facet of her life. I came into her life during a divorce, and due to that timing, coupled with the very Christian (Lutheran) background, I've been ridiculed 'nicely' by her father at every turn. He has got to be the most difficult person I've ever met: Arrogant, opinionated, judgmental and seems to possess some belief systems that I consider borderline cult-ish. He has never had a nice thing to say to me and all our 'conversations' are really just him pontificating about whatever topic suits his fancy at the moment. He has attacked my character and continues to tell me that a "relationship between you and my daughter will never work because you both have too many issues." He's called my 11 year old daughter controlling, and has told me that he thinks that my love for his daughter is total "bullsh*t"
What makes matters worse is that my person, the woman I love, seems to be stuck in the middle. The family being so enmeshed really has taken a toll and whenever I employ my own way of doing things, I'm questioned, or completely ignored. I'm told "Well he's just going to have to get used to us because this is how we are and this is how we do things..."
The mother prides herself on having a close family dynamic, and seems to offer opinions at every turn regarding kids, how to do things, etc. All done in a very conservative, Lutheran sort of way. How could one ever challenge that, right?
I want to build a life with this woman, but I fear that I'll always be subject to the idea that I'm always going to be expected to acquiesce to her family. Another component in the messy mix is that her Dad has Aspergers but refuses to admit it, instead he's told me on a few occasions that he believes he's a prophet of God and have visions and can literally see the future. My sweetheart too, falls in the autism spectrum and is working to address it along with her youngest son too. That in and of itself is challenge enough as a 'neurotypical' but when you incorporate the other things, it makes for total insanity. I literally feel lately like, "Wait and minute, what's wrong with me? What am I missing? What am I doing wrong here?"
Nobody feels it's worthwhile to challenge the patriarch though. It feels like this dense and sticky orbit of chaos and passive aggression and everyone thinks it's normal. There is no affection, no touching, no hugging and any wild enthusiasm is considered phony or feigned and something to be cautious of, you're not being authentic.
I've begun to feel obsessed with the fact that I just can't seem to find inroads or common ground with the father. I've given the benefit of the doubt and made myself incredibly vulnerable to him and have shared some deep dark things to him in hopes that we'd be able to find some empathy and connection, bad idea. This has only caused him to judge me and attack my character whenever we have time alone. It's begun to impact my relationship in a negative way and I'm starting to wonder what life would be like if they weren't around and sadly, it looks more peaceful, more serene and less chaotic.
I've been in recovery now for a year and a half and the things we learn in this process go a long way towards being more accepting, doing the work to become more self aware, letting go of expectations and our controlling nature, etc. and I can honestly say that I've approached this family/him in that way to the best of my ability, surrender. But... to no avail. The situation just gets worse and worse. Nobody wants to address the 300 lb gorilla in the room. I try and bite my lip and just go with the flow but it's started to make me feel like I'm disrespecting myself, there are no boundaries and that's my own fault.
Reading some of the posts makes me wonder if I might be dealing with a narcissistic/sociopath dynamic, and I'd never before considered that.
More
- Re: The Father #68716
8 y
1,101
This is a reply to # 2,307,045
#207067, I'm sorry to read of your confusion and angst. You mentioned that the father and your partner seem to have Asperger's, and I'm curious if either of them have been diagnosed. Not that it matters, but extreme narcissism can present as various conditions and disorders, and a true narcissist can alter themselves with intensive counseling therapy and guidance, but there must be a personal willingness to take this course. There is no medication, wish, negotiation, shaman, essential oil, supplement, cleanse, or religious epiphany that will zap someone out of their current issues and onto a path of emotional health. Accepting that fact, and the fact that we cannot "help" them in any way, shape, or form can help us to make practical choices and decisions with regard to our own safety and well-being.
You are celebrating a year in recovery? EXCELLENT for you!!! This is something that is a milestone and of great importance to you and nothing should be allowed to threaten your personal progress and growth.
I cannot tell you what you should or should not do in this situation. But, I can tell you what I have experienced, personally. Entering into a family with strong dysfunction does not ever, ever, ever get better. The dysfunction is its own entity within the family dynamic and the refusal to discuss "The 300lb Gorilla" is ongoing and probably the most glaring of all symptoms of dysfunction. It's a pretense that "everything is perfect," and any challenge of that pretense was met with a vehement denial and systematic shunning that I was unable to avoid, particularly if I spoke truthfully. One example of this was when one of the exspath's cousins became pregnant at 16. The family was talking about this at a family gathering and I mentioned that her education would continue if she gave her child up for adoption - the girl was not going to become a successful adult without some sort of education and had no business attempting to raise a child when she was clearly unprepared emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually. The whole family turned on me in a group and began a 2-hour rant of how she would be a "fine mother" and that she would "have help." Well, the end of that story was that the girl had her infant taken from her because she was found unfit. Then, she became pregnant, again. Same outcome. Again, with the same outcome, and once again, with the same outcome. This girl-turned-adult produced 4 offspring for which she was completely unfit to raise, had those children legally removed from her custody, and the offspring became wards of the State to the tune of roughly $14,000 of taxpayers' contributions, per child. And, I was the monster for having stated the obvious?
That was just one example of nearly 14 years of extreme dysfunction that expanded across this entire family tree. I kept up a CZ blog, "Coping With Betrayal," as I exited and recovered from this relationship that might be worth a glance.
The whole point of mentioning any of this is that it was just one example of how dysfunctional dynamics in a family do not get better. People pretend, they hide "secrets," they obfuscate, and they enable dreadful and unacceptable behaviors. What you will determine to do for yourself is going to require some deep contemplation and separation of emotions and facts. What we want and what truly is are two quite different things that rarely cross paths. Accepting that fact might be painful and unpleasant, but the practical mind speaks truthfully.
I wish you the very brightest of blessings, and I hope that you post back.
- Re: The Father #68716
8 y
1,101
