In October, I posted facts and statistics about Domestic Violence and Abuse (DV&A).  Because tomorrow is "Thanksgiving" in the U.S., it marks the beginning of the "Holiday Season" for most of the largely recognized religions, as well as cultural observances.  During this time, DV&A is increased at an alarming rate, and there are reasons for this.

The abuses that are ramped up during this time of the year typically involved the "unseen" abuses.  Religious, sexual, financial, emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuses increase because "outsiders" cannot identify these abuses when they occur.  Even family members are well aware that something is amiss, but they dismiss the abuses because there's no physical evidence to point to, and it seems so much "safer" to live in denial and avoid the facts, even if they occur directly in front of them.  The only family members that do see the enhanced abuses are children and this statistic used to be lower.  Today, 90% of all abuses are committed in front of children.

So, why does DV&A shift and increase during the Holiday Season?  One of the foremost answers is that it gives an abuser more pleasure to take away something important.  Everyday abuse is mundane to abusers, and ruining special occasions creates a malicious glee that they simply will not resist.  Of course, the previous year the abuser promised that they would change after everyone's holiday was ruined, and this year will be no different.  The event will be ruined, but the abuser may have learned new tactics to cause even greater and more intense damages to their victims.  The destruction of their victims provides an abuser with an alarming similarity to ogasm, and this has been studied via MRI and other brain imagery.

Keep the peace and walk on eggshells?  Stick around so the children "dont suffer?"  Avoid insulting other family members by taking it all on the chin?  Maintain that false, empty hope that the abuser is really going to "change?"  What a dreadful cycle, right?  Any victim can look back at the time that they've spent with the abuser and clearly see that it is a cycle - the buildup to the abuse, the inuslts, the withold/reward, the blaming, the shaming, the instigated fights, and the physical and sexual violence all repeated again, and again, and again, and...............

Nobody wants to admit that their lives aren't  perftect, specifically victims of abuse.  It is part of the pretense and their role is to pretend that they are happy, healthy, and that their lives are satisfactory.  What happens over time is that the pretense becomes an almost inescapable cycle where the victim actually believes that they are responsible for the abuses that they endure, and that they are wholly deserving of being abused.  These beliefs are not true.  They are fabricated and maintained by the abuser to keep the victim handy.

"But s/he says that they love me!  And, I love them!"  Really?  How does "love" translate into insults, sabotaging the victims goals, isolating the victim, abusing the victim in front of children, and ruining every special event with cold, calculated deliberation?  These things aren't mistakes.  The things that abusers choose to do to their victims are deliberate and rooted in malice.  They do not "love" anything other than their own sense of power and control.  And, how can anyone with a conscience "love" someone who despises them and their beautiful vulnerabilities with such intensity so as to dismantle and destroy that person, one piece at a time?  That person is not deserving of your love or loyalty because the abuser doesn't love you and is only loyal to their own thirst for power and control.

Children who are raised in an evironment of DV&A will develop into a perfect victim, or a perfect abuser.  No other outcome is possible no matter how much we wish to believe that there will be.  The damages that are inflicted upon the tender and impressionable psyche of a child are almost indelably etched in stone.  Their self-esteem, self-worth, self-perceptions, and self-love are all thrown into a blender with a portion of fear that cannot be calculated, and the harm is (without intense therapy) permanent.  Behaviors are out of control and it is a cycle that can be interrupted if the adult victim makes the difficult to choice to sever all ties with their abuser, accept the role of "survivor," and take strong and courageous steps towards recovery and healing.

For all victims of domestic violence and/or abuse:  If, at any time, you believe that you are being abused, don't wait.  Don't pretend.  Don't maintain false hope that things will "get better," because they won't.  Don't buy the abuser's empty promises - you've seen, time and time again, that they break promises and make promises that would be impossible to keep, even if they didn't intend upon breaking them, in the first place.  You know this.  You've observed it, and you've experienced it, first hand.  Don't allow misconcieved guilt to keep you (and, your child{ren}) in a dangerous and abusive environment, even if you have to leave during the Holidays.  There is no shame in leaving if you are living in fear and your children are watching and learning how to become victims and abusers, themselves.  However, if you make the choice to leave - and, this goes for ANY time of the year - tell nobody of your plan and get in touch with your local Domestic Violence Hotline and Victims' Services agencies to develop an exit strategy.  This means that you cannot tell family members - they are quite aware that you're being abused and have probably been (or, felt) threatened by the abuser, themselves, so they will attempt to keep the relationship intact by telling the abuser of your plan.  Do not tell friends.  They will have the same impulse, even if they are supportive of you leaving the abuser.  It could slip out in conversation with someone else, or even the abuser.  Do not tell employers or coworkers.  Abusers often keep tabs on their victims place of employment, and it might be possible that you'll need to leave your job and relocate to remain safe.  Do not, under any circumstances, give children any indication that an exit is iminent.  A child has to "choose sides" in an environment of DV&A because they have witnessed what happens to disloyal family members (that would be YOU), and they don't want to experience the same abuses that they have observed.  And, they will tell the abuser because the abuser will pry the information out of them and no child deserves to be interrogated and threatened.

Once you make the decision and have your plan in place, be aware that you may have to quit your job, relocate, and file out a restraining order against the abuser.  Maintaining "NO CONTACT" is an imperative - even the abuser's family members, mutual friends, employers/employees, clergy, etc. are out of your "inner circle" because abusers have the ability to make their victims look as if they're stark, raving mad.  You've seen them compose themselves when it suited their purposes, right?  Well..........the sad fact is that a victim "looks" like they are nuts, and I was no exception.  Putting distance between everything that the abuser has touched (physically or emotionally) gives the victim an opportunity to breathe, sit with their decision, and begin the recovery process.

Once you have left, please, please, please avoid any and all possible romantic situations until you have walked your personal Healing Path for some time.  It takes a good, long time to recover and heal from DV&A and it is more often than not that a victim goes from one abuser to another without recovering and healing.  Lonely?  How lonely were you when you were still with the abuser?  Needy?  You don't need anything that someone else has - you have everything that you need to save yourself, BY yourself. 

May this Holiday Season find everyone safe and content.  May this Holiday Season shine the light of true hope of recovery and healing on all of those who are suffering at the hands of another human being.  Life happens - we all get sick, and we all die. But, we are not obligated to be sick and to die at the hands of someone that we gave our love and trust to.  We are - each one of us - deserving of a balanced and calm life and to live that life without fear and anxiety.

Brightest and most sincere blessings to all.

www.thehotline.org

www.familyarrested.com

www.180rule.com

www.batteredmen.com

www.domesticshelters.org

www.webmd.com/balance/features/help-for-battered-men