I need help/advice for my abused mot... 
#192816
11 y
1,512
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Help please! I don't know what to do to help my mother. She's a survivor of a once highly abusive relationship, by my biological father, and now is stuck in a different, yet abusive relationship. This new relationship is not physically abusive, just completely emotional, and mental. My step father has cheated multiple times, rubbed it in her face, lied to extremes, and has had my mother at a point where she wanted to die, and tried. My mother is beautiful, and was once a vibrant, happy-go-lucky woman, who loved the world. She is the best of grandparents to all of our kids, but I hear her crying daily about no longer wanting to be here. My step dad has done so much emotional damage that she is not herself anymore. She is disabled, from the abuse of my father, but continues to go downhill, by no longer taking her medication, etc.. If I don't figure something out, she won't be with us much longer. She wants to leave, but can't afford living on her own. Advice?
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- Re: I need help/advice for my abused... #68716
11 y
2,117
This is a reply to # 2,227,022
I am very sorry to read of your distress and your mother's dreadful frame of mind. I completely identify with what you're both experiencing, and I want to put this as gently as I possibly can: you do not have the "power" to save your mother from whatever her choices might be. I understand that you love her and want her to fight for her life, and I get that, completely. But, we only have control over one thing: our own actions.
Having typed that, there are things that you can do that might help her to come to terms with her choices. Has she been formally found "disabled" by government standards? Or, is she "disabled" and unable to take any steps to help herself? She has stopped taking medications for what conditions? Are you permitted to speak to her physician as per HIPPA laws? Has she ever mentioned that she wanted to get out of the relationship? In other words, is she aware that she is being abused by the second husband?
I will tell you, in a nutshell, why she's remaining with the second abuser: to leave would be a "defeat" and another "failure." The issues run far, far deeper than that simple sentence, but that's the beginning of why she's remaining. Fear is the greatest force behind her decisions, right now, because she is living in both the past, and the future, but not in the present.
What can you do? You can call your local domestic violence and abuse hotline, or visit http://www.thehotline.org to find out what options are available to you, as her offspring. You can also speak to a counseling therapist, briefly, about how to approach this dire issue with your mother.
I know that you are desperate to help your mother, and I feel very sad for you, and for her. Tend to yourself, first, and find out how to balance yourself so that you're not absorbing all of her trauma, and approaching her issues with her will be more comfortable and assertive, rather than desperate and aggressive.
www.thehotline.org
www.familyarrested.com
www.180rule.com
Best and most sincere wishes for a positive outcome for everyone involved.
- Re: I need help/advice for my abused... #68716
11 y
2,117
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