I was abused as a child, and my mom instead of kicking the father that was abusing me out, she put me out and left me with my grandparents.

I was married to an abuser to 11 years [the stories I could tell no one would believe] and we used to live without food, running water, and electricity off and on for around 7 years [me, him and 4 children], [I cringed whenever he touched me] [gags], [I was taught you did not leave a marriage] [but I eventually did].

I was raped in by a neighbor while married. I am prolife, I kept my child, and he is a sweet young man now [love my baby]. Before the rape I weighed 230. When I had him I was 305.

When I left my marriage and got divorced, I went back home. I was attacked her by a neighbour [again] and by my ex-husband.

I had a home that was given to me and my brother by my grandparents [he had 3 homes], he kicks me and my children out of the home [he did not live in it, just us] and I moved away, and moved into projects. I worked 5 jobs and moved out after 4 1/2 years. I had a house built. I now have my BA degree and working on masters.

After an extra-marital affair left me emotionally ruined [years later, the shame of this still follows me], and an engagement that was bust [he told me I was not pure enough].

I got sick in 2004 and it had me bedridden in from 2008-2009, I got better back in January 2011.[took a couple of months but it worked].

The point of this post is this: I had a gastric bypass operation when I was in the projects, and I lost a bunch of weight [I went from 380-230] but I began to get scared... I cannot explain it, and about 5 years ago it began to climb. I am now 320lbs. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from all of this and the things I have not told you....
but now I do not know what to do.

I know I should be over this [I am 48] but it still plagues my mind. I want to lose the weight and keep it off. I kinda know how to do that but my MIND is stuck on all of the things I wrote above.

Someone told me once I was angry at men and how things turned out. That might be right. I think I am nice and kind...

I want to lose my weight... and break out of this mind thing. I have done a lot of mental work already [I forgave a bunch of people, including myself, and I can look in the mirror and say, 'I love You', even though I cry every time I do that]. <----- I said that to say I have done a lot of mental work.

And I no longer care too much what other people think of me [I don't think I do]. If I get caught up in that again, my mind might snap. What other people think is not worth it. Nope.

Despite what I'm saying my weight is climbing and part of me is scared to lose weight. I want to be thin and attractive.