Beth & Michael(cougar)


Hello Everyone,
I can't believe it has been a year and yet I remember it all as if it were just yesterday.
The past few weeks have been intense and rich for us both...starting with dear friends visiting with us last weekend, my birthday, a horse therapy visit, my ritual at the trail accident site, and then of course the actual day itself which was marked with feeling deep grief as well as being in denial a bit and just treating it as a regular day. The actual anniversary was Tuesday the 27th.

On my birthday we went to visit our friend Mica Graves horses where we got to connect with horses that chose us. She does equine assisted therapy and the visit was quite phenomenal! Michael connected with a dear being named Gooster (I will post pics as well). Gooster is known for connecting with clients whose hearts are open. Michael and Goose connected on a heart level and Michael visualized riding him and both were feeling deep pleasure and joy in this. I also had qu ite a connection during this time too. I had eye contact with Goose and during this short time I told him the entire story of the past year-and then he cocked his head to one side and he moved his ears a bit as if to say-"Really?" So then I nodded yes and told him it has been really hard and he responded by simply closing his eyes slowly and then looking back to me. In this moment it felt like he took some of our heavy load off our shoulders and I felt more free and joyous...and I never said a word. It was quite amazing. We have plans to visit Goose again soon and I look forward to being in his healing presence.

Recently, I got a strong hit that I needed to go to the actual site of the accident before or on the anniversary date. So, I arranged it with Todd Paulsmeyer, who had been to the site with the rescue crew last fall, Luke and Selina and we headed up on Monday night. I wanted to be there at the time when he fell and I wanted to lay on the rock where he lay for hours.
As we headed up the trail, a rainbow appeared. I was grateful for such a sign and moved onwards...it was very strange to be walking up the trail where he wasn't able to walk down, it was strange going to the very place where Michael's life drastically changed from an able bodied person to disabled in one instant. I have to pause here because I think so much in me is still trying to process what happened while being there-being on the actual spot...and I am also realizing that this is also very personal. I will share a few more highlights and then if you want to know more details, just ask. I realize that I don't want to share my entire grieving process with 500 people...grief can be a very personal process and yet we as a community still need to grieve too. So just let me know-I have a video of me throwing rocks at the spot-let me know if you want to see it and I will send it to you. Also, you may go to the trail and walk to the spot-I built a cairn, rock structure, where he fell and I invite you to go and place another rock on the cairn, say a prayer, say thanks, etc. I plan to bring some prayer flags and place in the tree...and I plan to go up as much as I can. He fell in a really beautiful place and I am so grateful to God and the angels that helped him and I want to keep honoring the place where he fell...and not be angry.

One of the highlights of the ritual was when Luke said a Buddhist chant and he explained afterwards that the chant was to remove all darkness...just as he said that, and I was lying on the ground looking up, a beautiful brilliant shooting star darted in the sky as if to say---we are still here-the light beings, angels, Spirit or God...we are still here for you and Michael and we have never left your side. I was immediately so full of joy and sadness at the same time and I cried and laughed and cried and laughed. I was so grateful for their presence and sending me the message on August 27th, 2012 that something was very wrong. The ritual we did there was quite profound and I am so glad we were able to do this.
It made me feel lighter on the day of the actual anniversary which was a mixture of dropping in to our grief and then just treating it as another Tuesday. We did do some letting go ritual in the evening and we began to burn some of the hospital paperwork, etc., that we no longer need and we continue to burn these papers this week.

And we still process...today I started reading my journal I began a year ago to Michael. He does not know my story and he does not remember all that happened as he was so drugged up and deep in the survival/healing process for a few weeks. So today I began the story for him and we cried as we both remembered a year ago of where our new crazy life began.

So we are both doing as best we can despite the circumstances. We roll forward.

Thank you for being with us still-for thinking of us, praying for us, holding us close to your hearts. We are headed into year two which for some reason I am thinking that once we get to year 3 this will all be a bit easier.

Okay peeps & dear ones,
I do wish that all is well in your worlds...and I look forward to any responses if you feel moved.

Love and hugs,
Beth & Michael