Newsong & BlueRose, children are blank slates, so to speak.  All of their childhood experiences contribute to their system of beliefs about themselves and the world, from the moment of birth.  In dysfunctional environments, negative beliefs are solidly formed in such a way that children are convinced that they are responsible for making mommmy/daddy "happy," or that they are solely responsible for the actions and choices of others.  This creates a "shame-core." 

For example, a child raised in an alcoholic environment is unwittingly held responsible for the well-being of the entire family if the mother/father gets drunk in this way:

• Mother arrives home to find husband drunk and says to the 6 year old child, "How could you let him get like this, again?"
• Child interprets this to mean that he is responsible for having "allowed" the father to drink.
• Child goes through every motion of attempting to prevent father from drinking, again, by dumping out alcohol to pleading and crying for the father to stop.

From that point on, the child is no longer a child, but a gatekeeper, by proxy.  The mother never told the child to stop his father from drinking, but the interpretation is that he is ultimately responsible for his father's actions, and the mother's disapproval and disappointment.  Therefore, the actions and responses of the adults fall upon his shoulders.

Shame-core is a powerfully negative system of beliefs - this is precisely why I tolerated bad behavior throughout my life.  I was afraid that, if I spoke up to family, friends, coworkers, spouses, or anyone else, that I would meet disapproval, abandonment, dismissal, etc.  If I spoke about how another person's actions were impacting me, the person wouldn't "like" me, anymore (or, at all).  Shame-core nullifies healthy boundaries and self-esteem, self-worth, and every other healthy "Self-ism" that a human being should develop.

Cognitive Dissonance is a recognized psychological process of one person's attempt to fit the actions of another person into their system of beliefs.  Someone that I love would never steal my finances and entertain violent sexua| interests because I wouldn't do that to them.  So, therefore, maybe the spouse isn't "all that bad" and I need to give him the "benefit of the doubt" because he won't approve of me if I confront him about what I have clearly discovered about his choices and behaviors.  I am somehow responsible for his choices because, somewhere, I "failed" to keep him "happy."

"Cognitive" refers to one's thinking processes.  "Dissonance" is that which doesn't "make sense."  It's like listening to a musical composition that the composer deliberately creates to cause an emotional response of discomfort.  Chords, notes, and sudden percussion cause the listener to feel physically uncomfortable.  This is precisely what cog/diss does.  Because someone that we care about engages in behaviors that we know are wrong, cruel, illegal, amoral, and unethical on an academic level, it creates an unspeakable level of emotional discomfort. 

So, how could a parent not care about their child?  How could a parent say and do such mean and cruel things to their own children?  They do it because they can, and children are the "perfect victims" because of their innocence and desire to please.

Going "No Contact" with a parent or family member is harder than cutting ties with a narcissistic/sociopathic spouse.  After all, they're "family," right?  Doesn't "family" accept one another with all of their strengths and faults because they're "blood?"  You can always divorce a bad spouse, but "divorcing" a family member is unthinkable to most people. 

For what it's worth, my feeling is that anyone - mother, father, sibling, offspring, coworker, friend, neighbor, religious leader - anyone that demonstrates behaviors that attempt to control me, abuse me, or gaslight me are out.  At the first hint of glib comments, abusive ideals, or anything that puts my instincts on alert, the fence is electrified and the person is stopped at the gate and never allowed into my life.  This is a subject that I am just now learning about - boundaries.  I have never maintained boundaries throughout my lifetime because creating them was difficult and might just give them a reason to disapprove of me or abandon me, altogether.  And, I SO "needed" to be accepted because I was SO responsible for everyone's happiness and well-being. 

Both of you have my most sincere healing blessings - it's no easy task to sort this stuff out and develop healthy boundaries and beliefs about ourselves.