So here is goes, I am going to tell my story and I hope that in doing so someone out there can offer me advice and can help me figure out my next step. I have done everything I can and a grasping for air far beneath the surface at this point, please any advice, and help would be greatly appreciated.
About 5 years ago I met a guy that I thought at the time (I was 17 and naive) was the man of my “dreams” after 3 months of dating and 4 days after my 18th birthday I found out I was pregnant. A week later the relationship took an entirely different dynamic. He started becoming possessive, and abusive at this point it was all verbal and mental abuse but as the weeks went on things got worse and worse. One day the baby I was carrying was his and the next it was his best friends. I was always a liar a cheater, a slut, and a whore, in his mind. Everything he could do to make me feel horrible he did. Everything he could do to hurt me he did. The days went on and I stayed, I fought an endless battle in my mind of staying with this man that I thought I loved or running away to nothing. I couldn’t stand the idea of being alone, and he had me believing that I would never find anyone better than him, that I would never find anyone who would love me because I was unlovable. He had me controlled, every movement, every moment was controlled. I quickly lost every bit of myself and was transformed into what he wanted me to be.. Nothing… The abuse got worse and worse, what was once mental became sexua| and physical. I gave birth to my daughter and I really believed things would change, I thought now that he had seen her he would know this child was his, and would believe I was a good person. Things went well for about a week, and then they were back to their constant roller coaster of my messed up delusion of what I thought was love. Because the important part of this story is already long enough I am going to leave out quite a bit of details of this part of my life. However this is important to establish why people think of me the way they do.
It was New Years Eve going into 2008, he had, had a little too much to drink, he got angry with me because I didn’t want him to drive anywhere and had tried to take away his keys. In doing so he got even more angry and started calling me every name that belonged to me in his book, So I decided to avoid him to avoid conflict, this only provoked him and made him more angry, He ended up following me outside and strangling me, I was able to get away and go hide but when he finally was able to get to me he strangled me again, which led to me being unconscious, if it was not for his brother who pulled him off of me I may not be writing this today. You would think I would have gotten up and left the next day. You would have thought this would have taught me a lesson. Anyone in their right mind would not go back to a man after he tried to kill her. However I was 19 and I really felt that no one would ever love me, so I stayed. However, my “love” for him died that night. I gave up on any hope that he would ever change, I gave up on any belief that it was a good relationship. I knew I needed to leave for my daughter’s sake if not for my own. It still was not for another 6 months that I got to that point I left however it didn’t end. I moved out on my own, but we were still together. He was playing it safe and we were trying to work things out. In Oct of 2008, I found out I was pregnant again. This time was different though, I knew when I found out I was pregnant that the relationship was nearing its real end and I would have to do this alone. However It still took a while for me to wake up. My best friend moved in with me and helped me cut all contact with him when it came to there being an us. It was not until after I had my son that I started to realize I was finally free, and that, that relationship was finally over –this however did not stop him trying to control me in the future.
Here is the hard part of the story.
When my daughter was about 1 year and a half old, we started noticing very odd behavior, this is only some of what was she was doing: she started putting things near her private area, and trying to touch other people’s private areas, she would cry unless anyone but her dad changed her pamper. I started becoming a little worried but I didn’t know I was a first time mom, and I didn’t know if it was all normal childhood behavior.
A family friend who is as good as another mother had been taking care of my children while I worked, and one day she came to me and pointed out that something was not right about the way my daughter was acting every time she came back from being with her dad. She said she was suspicious of sexua| abuse, I didn’t know how to take what she was saying. I don’t even think I knew how to process what she was saying. So I pushed the idea far out of my head. But it was only a few days later when my own mother came to me and expressed the same concerns. This caused me to fall apart, I had the same worries in my head but I dint know how to deal with them, after my mom talked o me my brother came to me and said that something had to be done, I was so confused and worried I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to believe that anything bad was happening to my daughter. Even though I was scared I did what I knew I had to do, I took my daughter to the doctor and I expressed concerns to a local sexua| assault agency. However, at this time my daughter was so young and almost non-verbal everyone told me the same thing there was nothing they could do, and it was probably all normal childhood development. But by this time, I could not ignore my gut. I could feel it inside me as a mother that something was not right, so I stopped all visitations with my children and their father. At this time we did not have a court order in place so it was not that hard. I planned on leaving town, yet In the beginning I handled everything all wrong I should have gone and filed for full custody immediately, but instead I tried to run. Only to find out their dad had filed for custody, which left me constrained with what I could do. During the time which my children were not seeing him, things started going back to normal. My daughter inappropriate behavior stopped, but my fears grew and seemed to be validated by her change.
In the next few months I did what I could. I could not with hold the children from him completely otherwise I would be frowned upon in the eyes of the court but I still did what I could, I only allowed him to have supervised visits, I didn’t fully give him a reasoning I just did it. My family would help with the visits so I didn’t have to be there at all times, it got harder and harder to ignore the rage building inside of me. Three months passed before he actually had me served me with the papers for shared custody. A month later we were in mediation to come up with a parenting plan for how visits would be shared. I expressed my concerns to the mediator about my children’s safety but he basically told me I didn’t have a choice but to agree on something, and if I didn’t agree to something we would go to court and I would lose anyway. I was shot down and forced to take what I could get. After 4 hours I was finally able to get the agreement that we would do the visits in a tier. For the first 6 months (The mediator changed it to 3 after I left so my court order was only 3 months) the children would only go with him on Saturday and Sunday during the day, and after that we would add in an overnight and then after another few months the kids would be with me during the week and him on the weekends. I didn’t know my rights during mediation, and my lawyer at the time was basically no help and didn’t seem to care much about my case, or advising me to do what was best. So, my children started going with him during the days on the weekends. About a week later my daughter started doing odd things again. She would run from everyone every time we needed to change her diaper and say she wanted her dad to do it, all the weird things she had stopped doing started up again. About a month after my children’s unsupervised visits started up again my daughter came to me and with her words told me what was happening. My worst fears had finally come to life. I became undone; my daughter who was almost 2 years old expressed things that should never happen to anyone, I was appalled and scared. I took my daughter to the sexua| assault recovery place in my town, they helped me in every way they could, and the battle really began. They did a safe house interview and a physical exam. My daughter disclosed information to the investigator about what had happened and I was immediately advised to get a restraining order. An investigation was underway.
3 months passed of no contact with their father, no court dates, only an investigator that did not communicate me and the beginning of a nightmare that still has yet to end. The investigation consisted of a polygraph test on him, which they based his innocence off of. ( I will refrain from stating my feeling about polygraph tests the evidence against their validity is enough on this one). In court his lawyer made it a point to make me out to be the wounded woman who was seeking revenge from a failed abusive relationship. In the eyes of the court it worked. I was a mockery and no one believed me. The courts said that he should be free from paying child support in the months that he was denied his children because of my actions (this is besides the point but he has never paid a dime in child support, he also has a dwi on his record and countless domestic violence reports, not only from me but from his other girlfriends) We were lucky enough to get supervised visits for both children for a few months, but this was only because my lawyer (btw this is a different lawyer from the beginning) was able to argue that it would be a good transition back to their father seeing as they had not see him in months. After which we went back to the tier. How could I live with myself, how do I live with myself for sending my children back to him? My daughter was 3 at this point and I had no choice but to send my children. 3 months later the Saturday night over night began, and after 3 more months the weekends began. After 3 weeks, it happened again; my daughter came to me and told me what was happening again. I immediately drove her to the sexua| assault recovery place which was closed so I took her to a battered women’s and children’s shelter. The process started over; all the same steps were taken. Again she disclosed information, and again I was advised for the children to have no contact with him we were assigned a better investigator that actually seemed to be trying to help us. However in the end the polygraph was again assigned as a means of his “innocence”.
Here I was again stuck at the end of a fallen road, so I took one last step. I requested a psychological evaluation on him, I had to pay as well as take part in it. Again, I was mocked and said to be a woman trying to get even, again fingers were pointed at me, and everyone felt sorrow for him, because “he after all is the one who is being hurt” I hope you can tell that was sarcasm (He lost his lawyer for some unknown reason, and had his family on the stand testifying on his behalf). I got the psychological evaluation which was a start, however my lawyer warned me that she did not want this particular psychologist to be the evaluator because he always gives both parents equal rights no matter the situation. But we had to go on, The psychological evaluation is still underway, however I was informed by the evaluator that I needed to rethink what I was asking the courts to do, and that it was basically impossible for me to get full custody of my children.
Now let me fill in the blanks. After the first accusation and when I saw that no one was helping me, I tried everything I could I talked to different lawyers, higher up detectives anyone that I thought might be able to help me, I went to the D.A and requested that he take a look at my daughter disclosure and rethink the way things were going, in the end I was always told, “I’m sorry but this is just not enough evidence to go on.” Next, (we both dealt with the same evaluation) when I went for my evaluation I sat and talked with the evaluator for 2 hours, after which I took 2 hours worth of paper test (paper tests!!!!) that were easy enough to read through I answered all of the questions honestly, however I can also see how easy it would be for a man of a manipulative mindset to see right through them and not incriminate himself. I am about to come to the end of this fight and again no one is helping me. My daughter has night terrors at the very least twice a week, after the second incident she became secluded and boxed up ( she is 4!!) Ever since the evaluation started ( I forgot to mention the courts gave him supervised visits on the weekend with one of his family members as the supervisors) SO my children go with the monster on the weekend. He is playing it safe and buying my children’s love. My daughter mood towards her father changes very frequently After the incidents happened she asks me to not make her see him, and every time the courts makes me send them to him. After a month things are back in swing and they want to go with him, however every now and then she will plead to stay with me in the morning before I have to send them. It is only on the days when he has bought them something that she wants to stay with him.
My daughter is in counseling and has been ever since the first incident. Her therapist is on my side, however apparently her therapist’s word and belief is not good enough. “But where is the physical evidence they say”. The detective I had this time around said that he almost wished there had been substantial physical evidence and then this would have gone somewhere. How could he say that to me? These are my children! This is my daughter! How do I keep her safe when everyone is saying, “oh no this man is a good father”. He is manipulative and has manipulated his way through it all. I believe my daughter I know what she told me is true, I know that my children are not safe, and It is getting to the point where this is all going to end and they are going to make me send them back with the monster without any supervision as well as overnight! I need help. I need someone to listen to me; I need someone to believe what my daughter has said is true. Anyone who is close to him knows the real him knows the truth, my family knows the truth my friends who have seen the monster that he is know the truth, his own niece is bordering my side, but the officials all the people that matter in the eyes of the custody he holds do not believe me. They all believe I am some vindictive woman trying to get even. I curse the people who would ever put their children through this torment when nothing has happened I curse the people that have made it hard for someone in my position to keep their children safe.
Please if anyone has any advice of what I can do I need it. Please do not tell me to leave the country or run away because these are not realistic believe me I have tried. If I leave the country an automatic warrant will be issued for my arrest and if I ever came back or am forced to come back I would be imprisoned and my children would go to him. It’s no better if I try and leave the state, heck it’s even easier for them to find me.
Please someone, I am a out of ideas and have tried everything I can think of or has been suggested to me to keep my children safe.
If he gets away with it this time, this monster will believe he is indestructible and it will never end. And will only get worse, I cannot live with the thought of something horrendous happening to my daughter again. I cannot live with myself, allowing my children to get hurt. Please someone help me.