I posted here before. I am doing so again because I want to point out the insidious nature of circumcision and I want to look for solutions to the problem. When I was circumcised there was a range of possibilities that could occur. I could have lost sensitivity as most American men have and been none the wiser or my penis could have been accidentally destroyed and I could be reassigned as a girl. While I was not reassigned I fell somewhere in between by losing some important functionality and I was never helped because the thinking in America is that circumcision is routine. I knew someone who was plagued by a back injury for seventeen years. He finally met a doctor of Chinese medicine and 9 months latter he had mostly recovered. A year and a half latter he was completely recovered. So I am waiting and searching for medical solutions.


I never felt right. I remember being frustrated as a baby. I could not get comfortable. I felt sexua| urges but they were unpleasant. I was not a happy baby. Pictures of me back then showed me with bright red cheeks, glassy eyes and my mouth was agape instead of a smile. I hated the way I felt. It affected my personality, my sense of humor and my general disposition. My penis went from feeling really good at the base to about half way up. Then from the circumcision scar to the tip it felt really bad. It felt like the scar tissue I now have on my arm and the tissue where I had a deep staph infection on my leg. Sometimes I feel pain like there was an injury there. When I was around an attractive woman it had a yo yo affect on me. I felt this wonderful excitement that started to build. It flowed into my penis. When it reached the circumcision scar I got the sense that there was something terribly wrong. It felt bad and even painful. This repeated over and over every time I was around an attractive woman as long as I can remember. It made me nervous and insecure around girls. My insecurity made me 'uncool' in the eyes of my peers. I had very few friends in high school. I went on one date my senior year and my nervousness was so great I was almost shaking the entire time. Imagine how you would feel as a child if every time you felt a little sexua| excitement some one kicked you in the balls or dick. If you want to understand how it feels to have sex this way take a razor blade and make a few small lacerations on your penis and then masturbate. You can do it. sexua| function can overcome pain, even a lot of pain. Then look in a mirror and you will recognize the expression on your face. If you are guessing you would look psychotic or a little crazy you are right. A person is not meant to do that to themselves. That is one reason why I don't masturbate and have not for a long time.

I was extremely confused. I did not know what was wrong with me. I could see and feel the circumcision scar but all the boys I knew were circumcised so I thought there was something else wrong with me. When I was young some teachers thought I was abused and my father got the blame. Other than that no one every talked to me. No doctor ever diagnosed me with a problem. No psychiatrist ever identified a problem. No one ever tried to help me.

I think my problem started to affect me from the time I was a baby. My father burned my. He threw me outside into the snow. He drove drunk and got into an accident and I suffered an extremely painful and serious concussion. Instead of putting me in a safety seat he put this over-sized football helmet on my head. He never hurt my brother. I am not trying to defend him but if I was "all right" maybe he would not have hurt me. I had difficulties with my mother and brother as well. I had two girl cousins that were a few years older than me. When one would visit she would twist my arm and say "You are a poo, (My name)." She did that all the time. When the other cousin would get me alone she would play mercy with me, twisting my fingers back as far as she could. I never said "mercy." It was like I had two choices both bad. My mom divorced my father. When I first met my step father he came up behind me. I was like, 'that is a strange place to feel a man's penis.' I tried to stay away from him. A few months later when my mom was gone he beat the shit out of me so I would know who was boss. My brother never had a problem with him. I was not liked when I went to school. Kids are cruel and they can sense vulnerability. I was in first grade when this older boy got me behind small building. He lifted me off the ground held me against a wall and dug his fingers in my arm. He said for me to say that I was gay and he would stop. I would not say it so he dug in harder and harder. After ten minutes a teacher finally walked by. Also in first grade this kid I never saw before walked up to me and kicked me in the balls as hard as he could for no reason. It seemed like kids were all ways trying to hurt me. I never became well liked and I think this was caused by my discomfort and insecurity. After awhile I fought back and I hurt a some people. By high school I was looking just crazy and insane enough for them to leave me alone most of the time.

I don't have a girl friend. I have a few friends. People don't hire me and I mostly do jobs where I don't have to work with people. My emotional pain is as bad as my physical one. I don't know what to do. In a way you could say I was constantly tortured from the time I was born and it is really hard to live every day. I think people hated me for a pain I had no part in creating. I see happy people and think why not me? What right did some one have to do that to me? Circumcised men hate the loss of sensitivity if that is all they lose, I hate the pain. It destroys my whole world. Why this is done in the civilized world I do not understand.

I have been reading a lot. Psychological affects from trauma at birth and circumcision range from an increased risk of committing violent crime to psychopathic and sociopathic behavior. The sad thing is there is nothing out there that I can find to correct these problems. I am so depressed I feel like taking a knife and cutting pieces off my body starting with my penis. This is a support forum so that is why I am posting this here. One reason is I am in a lot of emotional pain the other reason is I want to know if there is anything I can do to repair the nerves on my penis. I can leave the past behind. As shitty as some aspects of my life might have been I don't even remember them unless I think about it. The pain and discomfort I feel is the problem. I am looking for treatments. The base of my penis feels good through and through. As it gets to the top it becomes numb and hurts even though the circumcision looks normal, no bridges or anything. The tissue on my leg where I had a staph infection feels the same as the tip of my penis neurologically. Are there any treatments? Is anything being done with stem cells? What can be done with nerve damage to the penis? Forgen had something going but now it stopped. It is exhausting looking for help alone.