In addition, your mother's self-esteem has been battered. That's why she is hesitant to make a move.

As to where she can go, have her call 1-800-799-SAFE. (I'm assuming you're in the US?). That's the domestic abuse hotline. The person on the other end of the line can give her some good advice --- even help her move into a temporary shelter for abused women.

Also, it sounds like your mother only has you for support. She really needs to find a support group. Again, that's something that the domestic abuse hotline can help her with. When you say your mother is your best friend...well...how can I put this? It's nice that you and your mother have a close, loving relationship but, IMO, it should be as mother and daughter, not best friends. For example, much as my daughter and I love each other, we have a mother-daughter relationship, not a best friends relationship.

While it's great that you are very supportive of your mother, she does need to interact with some of her contemporaries. However, I understand given that her self-esteem has been battered, she no doubt is not up to this at this time.

If she won't call the domestic abuse hotline, you can call them and explain your mother's situation. They can give you some advice on how to proceed.

But, yes, in the end it's ultimately her choice as to what to do. You and your husband have offered to help her but she has to grab that life line you've thrown her.

I also think that you, too, are in need of some support. After all, your childhood years weren't pleasant and now you must feel burdened with worry about your mother.

As for dragging your dad's name in the mud, that doesn't necessarily have to happen that way. Your mom should get a good lawyer and work to have a clean divorce free of a bitter, dragged out fight. She should also make sure that she gets some alimony. If they own a house, the judge could order it sold with the proceeds split between them. With a clean divorce, no one has to know the reasons for the split.

And may I offer up some advice? Base your decision on where you'll go to school on what's the best school for you, even if that school is further away. If you want to offer your mother a place to stay until she gets back on her feet, she can go where you are.

Good luck and either you or your mother call the domestic abuse hotline!

I don't know why this didn't occur to me before but you said that emotional abuse (from your father) has been a part of you life as long as you can remember. While it was your father who was doing the abusing, your mother bears part of the responsibility for it, too.

Let me explain --- I'm gathering that since this abuse was continuous, your mother never spoke up to your father about it? Did she ever come to your defense when this was happening? If not, did she ever explain why not?

You see, I grew up in a similar environment except it was my mother who was verbally and emotionally abusive. My father enabled this to go on --- he even threw us kids under the bus. For example, when my mother was being verbally abusive to me, I would speak up in my defense. If my father was around, he would take me aside and tell me to just ignore her because when I spoke up, she would yell at him later. He didn't like that and said that he wanted some peace in the house. Wrong answer! As a parent, his job was to protect us kids and put our well-being first.

I didn't realize at the time just how wrong that all was. It wasn't until I discussed all this with my husband that he pointed out how my father was putting himself ahead of us kids. My father had set himself up as the "good guy" and my mother as the "bad guy" when in reality, he wasn't such a good guy to us kids.

All this was driven home to me when I became a parent. Parents aren't perfect and have their bad days. Sometimes my husband would get angry at our daughter and blurt out something hurtful. When that would happen, I would speak up and tell him not to talk to her like that. Then I would tell him he owed her an apology. On the flipside, if I was being snappish with our daughter, he would point it out to me. Having grown up like we did, made me resolve to do much better when I was a parent.

I now know why it bothered me when you said your mother was your best friend. Since you know she has endured sexual abuse, that tells me that she is using you as a confidant regarding her marriage problems. Parents---no matter how bad their marriage is---should NEVER be sharing such details with their kids! I apologize if what I'm about to say sounds harsh but your mother hasn't been a good friend if she has dragged you into the middle of this!

After having said all this, of course you should encourage her to get out of a bad situation---especially if it has escalated to physical abuse. If necessary, be blunt with her and ask her to think about how you would feel if she ended up in the hospital due to it, or worse if she ended up dead.

Tell her to call the Domestic Abuse hotline and offer her a place to stay if she decides to leave. Also, tell her not to worry about dragging your father's name in the mud. In fact, I'm betting that's in part why your mother stayed with him and allowed you to be raised in such a toxic environment. A divorce can be done cleanly and simply if both parties are agreeable.

At some point---for your own peace of mind---consider asking your mother why she put you through all this as a kid and why she didn't leave your father. Hear her out. When I've brought up the topic with my father, he only has said "What else was I supposed to do?" They did separate once but got back together. He said that it would have bankrupted him to divorce. IMO, that's a poor excuse---using money or lack of it for not leaving.

Once again, good luck but this is all up to your mother. Again, encourage her to call the hotline and offer her a place to stay. However, in the end it's entirely her call---so to speak.

I know for a fact that it may take decades for the truth to dawn on a victim or participant in a toxic environment...if ever.

And the courage to actually DO something to change, without any reassurance that happiness CAN/WILL be achieved, is so hard to find.

It is hard enough to muster this courage from the logic of someone who has been through similar circumstances, let alone someone who is just learning, themselves.


I wish we would hear from Mommyssunshine, and know they had solved this difficult problem, easily.


Thank you for your own success story. Your way of speaking tells us your story was solved...that you have thought this through and discovered your own better way.

Be well, my friend.

Fledgling

I imagine it is a tough thing to go through.

It's like offering someone the medicine that will cure their condition, they refuse to take the medicne.