I'm glad you don't hate me Beej. I really didn't think you did. :)
You are right. Actions must take place for there to be any use in anything. But that still doesn't mean that God is not in control of everything, including salvation. God acts first in salvation, giving us new birth, and then our actions follow. This is what the book of James is talking about when it talks about faith without works is dead. If we have new birth and our faith is true faith, then we will choose to follow God, and we will have good works in our life
Ephesians 2:10) “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.”
And if we say we have faith, but no fruit is shown to be in our life, then we don't have true faith. I'm sure you know that scripture well that says that. True faith produces obedience in us, because true faith means we have the Spirit in us, and He is producing fruit in us, guiding us, teaching us, and we desire to obey the Spirit, we desire to obey our Father.
In this scripture you quoted:
"2Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance."
What does the any refer too? If you take this passage in context, you will see that the author here is talking to believers, to the sheep. So put sheep after any, and you might see this passage differently. All scripture fits together, there are no contradictions in scripture. But we have to understand and interpret them right, which none of us will be able to do perfectly in this life, before we can see that they all fit together.
“All that the Father gives me will come to me, and I will not lose one.” John 6:37
Here's a few more scriptures to think about.
Proverbs 16:4
4The LORD works out everything for his own ends—
even the wicked for a day of disaster.
Proverbs 21:1
The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD; He directs it like a watercourse wherever He pleases.
Romans 9:17
17For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.”†
18Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.
19One of you will say to me: “Then why does God still blame us? For who resists his will?”
20But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’”†
21Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?
22What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath–prepared for destruction?
23What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory–
Like I said these concepts are not easy to accept. But it still comes down to, if the scriptures say it, should we believe it? Lots of people would say, no, throw out the scriptures that don't sound good, that don't make God sound like a loving teady bear, or that make God sound like He has a little more control than we are comfortable with, or that make Him sound like he's unfair in anyway.
After much study, these scriptures are clear to me now. I can't deny them, and I have to trust that God knows what He is doing and always has. And now when I see unbelievers, hating God, wanting nothing to do with him, hating me, doing vile things, well I know but for the grace of God, there go I.