Toxic Friends: Should you stay or w... 
mo123
15 y
5,091
R
Tough Questions to Ask About Your Toxic Friendship
Deciding to end a close friendship can be just as difficult as going through the process of actually ending it; even if it's a toxic one. So what do you do when you're faced with the sometimes tough decision of whether or not to remain in a toxic friendship or walk away from it?
Many people find themselves trapped in toxic friendships because they don't want to go through the painful process of ending it. They find themselves holding on to a small glimmer of hope that somehow their friend's behavior will change and the friendship will get better. Of course there's nothing wrong with hope and optimism, however; at some point the true facts about your toxic friendship must take precedence over the feelings and emotions that become obstacles in your perception of reality.
Let's face it, if you have been in your toxic friendship for a significant amount of time and your friend's behavior hasn't changed for the better or has gotten progressively worse, chances are he/she has no intentions of changing it. Now that's reality for you! So now what do you do?
You can choose to remain in the friendship and alter your own behavior to accommodate the needs of your toxic friend or you can walk away from the toxicity. Believe me; if you're spending a lot of emotional time and energy on the drama of your friendship, it's not even worth risking your mental health for the sake of your toxic friend. Remaining in an unhealthy friendship will most likely cause you more emotional harm than good.
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- The difference between good and toxi... mo123
15 y
5,037
This is a reply to # 1,455,066The difference between good and toxic friends
by Allen Teal
There is a saying that goes like this: "It's hard to soar with the eagles when you are living with turkeys." This is a good description of the effect that friendships can have on a life. A friend can either help you soar to new heights or hold you down. Those who help you fly are good friends. Good here means good for you and is not an expression of the closeness of the relationship. If a friend keeps you from reaching your potential, it is a toxic friend.
The problem is being able to tell the difference between friends that are good for you and those that are not. It is not always easy to distinguish one from the other early in the friendship. Later in the friendship, it can be hard to let go of a toxic friend because affection will develop. It is important to decide as soon as possible which type of friend you have made and keep the good friend and lose the toxic one. No system can furnish you a perfect way to tell a toxic friend, but there are some signs to look for when making a new friend.
A toxic friend will highlight your negatives more than your positives.
If you make friends with someone who is always telling you how dumb or stupid you are, they are likely to be toxic. The same can be said for someone who belittles you in public. If you are overweight, for example, a friend who frequently points out how fat you are in front of friends and others will almost always be toxic in the long run. This is the way a toxic friend establishes that they are better than you are. If they can make you believe you are less, it will make them seem like more.
Someone who has a history of being unloyal to their other friends is probably toxic.
Toxic friends like to look out for number one. Because of this, they will embrace others more than you when they believe it serves them best to do so. If they have done a sufficient job of eroding your self-esteem, you will still follow them while believing that you deserve such inferior treatment.
People who become toxic friends often will lead you into dangerous or illegal activities.
A toxic friend will encourage you to drink too much or experiment with drugs. The same type of friend may ask you to help them in a fight. They may invite you to assist them in committing a crime. Some extreme cases of toxic friends will physically abuse you and expect you to take it because it is what you deserve.
A toxic friend will try to isolate you from people and opportunities that can help you become better.
One of the most certain signs of a toxic friend occurs when they try to separate you from people who genuinely care what happens to you. Since toxic friends tend to be predatory, the effort to get you away from your support system is deliberately designed to keep you down. They will discourage educational opportunities or new jobs that may increase your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Good friends will try to help you improve.
Friends who bring positive influences into your life to help you move forward will be good friends. These friends will warn you of dangers while looking for opportunities for you to better your situation. A good friend will often offer to do an activity with you to help you succeed. This can be taking a class or joining an exercise group.
Someone who compliments and encourages you can become a good friend.
People who point out your strengths while helping you to improve your weak areas will be great choices for friends. Everyone needs people around them who notice when things are done right and mentions it. You also want someone around you who will assist yout o get up and try again when you fail. Good friends never kick you when you are down.
A good friend will not deliberately enable you to keep going the wrong way.
Friends who stand between you and bad choices are always good for you. People have to learn to make good choices in life, and good friends help make good choices. They are willing to take the time to help you sort out the tough choices to arrive at the one in your best interest.
The difference between a good friend and a toxic one is often easier to see from the outside looking in. However, there are times when a person must work as hard at choosing friends as they do at buying a car or a house. Picking good friends instead of toxic ones can mean the difference between success and failure in life and in relationships.
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Re: Toxic friends info mo123
15 y
5,028
This is a reply to # 1,455,070Welcome All!
This site is for women (men too) who are involved in a toxic friendship and for those who are not but want to learn how to recognize them. So having said that; you will find very little or nothing at all that speaks about the positive aspects of friendship.This is not meant to be a negative site, however; it is one that speaks the truth about toxic friendships and how they impact the lives of those who fall victim to such...And yes, you will see the flashing skulls with crossbones on various pages of this site,Why?Because it is a symbol that clearly indicates poision or toxicity...which is unfortunately what some of our so-called friends are.The purpose of this website is to introduce readers to my upcoming book project about toxic friendships. This is an interactive page and I hope you will be informed, encouraged and inspired to take authority over the toxic friendships in your life. Chances are, if you're visiting this site, you didn't land here by accident. You probably have some involvement with a toxic friend and you're looking for some answers. Although I don't have all the answers about toxic friendships, I do have some suggestions based on my own personal experience and research that I've done on the topic. I know for a fact that you are not alone in your struggle to understand the "whys" of your toxic friend. Dealing with a toxic friendship can be frustrating and even depressing at times but keep in mind....There is life after a toxic friendship...Even if she is your best friend...
In Case You Didn't Already KnowToxic/unhealthy friendships are those that are unfulfilling, unrewarding and often unequal. Toxic friends can stress you out, use you and wear you down physically and mentally. Yet, many of us keep toxic friends in our lives for whatever reasons. We like our toxic friends and we dislike them at the same time. We put up with all they have to dish out over and over again. We complain to ourselves, other friends, relatives and whomever else will listen to us gripe about how our toxic friends do this and that to us.But in many cases, what do we do about it? Absolutely nothing, and doing nothing becomes a bigger problem than the toxic friend. Why? because many of us don't tell our friend that their behavior causes us to feel a certain way. So as a result, our negative feelings and emotions toward that friend continue to build up and before long we find ourselves exhibiting the characterstics of a toxic friend. We become the great pretenders (the phonies) and act as if nothing is wrong; hoping our friend will "change" or "get it together". Which in most instances they won't because they don't know how to or they just don't want to.Then there are those of us who find ways to let our toxic friends know exactly how their behavior makes us feel; unfortunately each and every time you mention it your friend she seems to have a hearing and/or comprehension problem. Or better yet, she tries to turn the tables on you and tell you, you're the one with the problem. Either way, if your friend turns on a deaf ear when you try to tell her that you're tired of the way she treats you, then you might want to ask yourself some serious questions in regards to the friendship, for example:How do I feel after spending time with my friend?Is there reciprocity in the friendship?Is there truth and honesty in my friendship?Is there a mutual respect for one another?Is my friend loyal to me and I to her?Can I freely express my true feelings about the friendship?Does my friend criticize and belittle me?Does my friend abuse the friendship and take advantage of me?The list of questions can go on and on but if the answersare mostly negative, you might want to re-evaluate your friendship.
Because...
That's right...Friendship is a choice!You don't have to remain in a toxic friendship if you don't want to!Friendship is truly a wonderful thing, but it is not a marriage. There is no legal written document that says you must remain friends with someone who is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated as a friend. Ending a close friendship is not an easy thing to do but sometimes it is the wise thing to do because if you cannot find reasonable ways of dealing/coping with your toxic friend, remaining in the relationship could do more harm than good!
We have all heard the many reports of how important it has to have friends in our lives. We know that positive friendships can increase the longevity of life. Healthy friendships can enhance our lives in so many different ways and the friendship bond of women is almost inexplicable.Reporting the positive aspects of friendships is a valuable thing to our society but what's missing in all those reports are the facts about the other side of friendship, the toxic/unhealthy side. Unhealthy friendships can do all the opposite things that a healthy friendship can do. For instance, toxic friendships can cause a lot of stress and anxiety and we all know the physical ramifications of excessive stress in our lives, right? Just as healthy friendships can bring forth a lot of joy and happiness, toxic ones can bring forth a lot of emotional hurt, pain and sadness.Now...if we know all of that (and some of us do)?Why do we hold on to the myth and fantasy?That we are supposed to be...BEST
Everyone has their reasons..."We've been friends for such a long time""What will I do without her?""I can't deal with the emotional pain of ending it""What will people think of me?""She's trying to change her behavior""I don't want to be alone""Because we do everything together""We have so much in common""Because we're just like sisters""We've been through all kinds of stuff together""She's my walking buddy""I don't deserve a healthy friendship""Because she's the one I can..."
And again, the list goes on and on!Yes, we continue to hold on to our toxic friends,Because it's so hard to let go,But at some point (that point is different for us all)...We must ask ourselves the tough question,
Now, before I go any futher, it must be noted that I am not a relationship expert or a professional in the field of psychiatry, psychology, sociology etc. I am what I like to call, " A Toxic Friendship Survivor", yes I have had a profound experience with a toxic friend who was by the way, my best friend (or so I thought). I am not a disgruntled friend, I chose to end the friendship after years of being used and betrayed by my former friend. Ending the friendship was what I had to do in order to save myself from further emotional turmoil. It was not an easy thing to do but it was indeed the wise thing to do for me.I had been through the reasoning and compromising phase with my former friend many times, but all that did for me was to prolong the inevitable which was the complete dissolution of the friendship. My former toxic friend wanted to keep me as her friend regardless of how unhappy I was. She made many attempts to hold onto the friendship which was of course quite disturbing and challenging for me. When all was said and done, I had succeeded at perhaps one of the most difficult tasks of my adulthood. I was no longer a victim, I had become a victor...a survivor of a toxic friendship.You see, my former toxic friend had no intentions of ending the friendship because she reaped all the benefits from it until I decided that enough was enough for me. Initially, she would not even acknowledge her negative/unhealthy behaviors, and when she finally did she would often say to me "that's just who I am". She had absolutely no intentions of changing who she was. She wanted me to except her as she was and continue to cater to her needs while she continued to use me and betray my trust. She expected me to remain her friend at the expense of my own mental health. I had already done that for much to long.Although I took the bold step of confronting her many times about her behaviors and how they had such a negative impact on the relationships with her "friends"( especially our friendship), I knew she wasn't going to change. I knew in my heart that I had accepted her for who she was for much to long because it taken a great emotional toll on me. I realized that yes, I had to continue to accept her as she was but I no longer had to allow her in my personal space. She no longer had to be a part of my life. She could be who she was as long as it did not have an impact on any aspect of my life. So ultimately, I made the painful decision to walk away from the friendship. I had to detox her from my life. I had to change my behavior, my way of thinking and responding to my former toxic friend. I literally had to act as if she did not exist. I had to rediscover who I was.You may have to rediscover self...Don't allow yourself to be victimized by the sublte manipulation of a "best/close"friend...A Little Info About My Former Toxic FriendshipMy former toxic friend had used me for her own personal gain for the duration of the friendship. I should have walked away a week after I met her because that's how soon she started to use me but we developed a very close bond immediately; were we inseparable. So I justified her negative & unhealthy behaviors by reminding myself that she was "such a nice person". I realized much later that being excessively nice to people was how she hooked her victims. Sometime during the friendship, I also learned that I was not her first victim, I was just the latest. You see, my former toxic friend had a history of making a new friend almost every year. Unfortunately, those friends got fed up with her and eventually they became her acquaintances as opposed to the close friend as she once referred to them all. My former friend told me that those once close friends had all backed away from her. I could clearly understand why. I should have done the same. She would always say to me that I was the one who stayed around the longest and "put up with her". In reality, I was suppose to walk away a year after I met her just like the others had done, because that's how often she changed close friends. Afterall, that's who she was...At any rate, being what I thought was a "good friend" I put up with her nonsense for such a long time because she "needed" my help with a lot of things in her life. Based on her past, I knew she needed a good supportive friend and that is what I thought I was to her. It was one of the biggest mistakes I could have ever made in terms of my friendship with her. Unfortunately for me, it wasn't until a year after I discovered the betrayal that I was wise enough to walk away for good. I could no longer endure anymore emotional pain and suffering caused by someone who had continued to betray and use me in the way that she had. So I walked away and stayed away...Walking away from a toxic/negative friendship doesn't mean...That you no longer care about or love your friend,It simply means that you have to start taking care of yourself!Personally, I felt like I had gotten the short end of the stick for a very long time. Then one day, I realized that I had gone through this for a reason. I know now that I had this experience so that I can help others who are going through drama of a toxic friendship. My help to others will be by any means necessary. This book is just the beginning!
Toxic Friendship Survey (long version) Click Here to take surveyToxic Friendship Survey (short version) Click Here to take surveyIf you would like to learn more information about toxic friendships, check out some of the articles I have written on this topic by clicking on the link to my content page:Advertisement
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- Re: Re: Toxic friends info spudlydoo
15 y
4,820
R
This is a reply to # 1,455,072Great Posts!!!!
I have had one or two toxic friends in my life, and one toxic sister. I found the best way was to just let them go, don't contact them or seek them out, and if they contact you, be polite and civil, but give away nothing of yourself. If you constantly refuse to visit them or you are always busy when they visit, they will eventually get the message.
It was really hard to do this with my own sister, but for me it was a matter of having to rather than wanting to.
The people who are toxic are not really our friends anyway, real friends don't do the things these toxic people do.
spud- Re: Re: Toxic friends info mo123
15 y
4,551
- Re: Re: Toxic friends info mo123
15 y
4,551
- Re: Re: Toxic friends info spudlydoo
15 y
4,820
R
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- Re: Toxic Friends: Should you stay ... tomato
15 y
4,522
This is a reply to # 1,455,066I'm always so busy doing stuff my friends are few this year. I had one die this year and she was as close to me as a sister. One moved to El Paso, TX so I lost her closeness in a way. One moved to Florida lifeling friend.
One moved to Brazil was close to me and we were like nite and day in looks.
One moved in across the street from me we are slowly bonding. One next to me in and out of hospital and has been
away taking care of Oklahoma family.
I might be alone these days if it weren't for nutty neighbors acting up.
Toxic Friends If I do have one I seem to be so busy to hang around with her. The fence looks like it will be better than I ever dreamed. That blocks the negative for sure.
The rest are crazy friends and loving ones and busy in their family these days.
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- Re: Toxic Friends: Should you stay ... mo123
15 y
4,528
This is a reply to # 1,455,768Hey where were you, we had an egg party for you. I was worried.
Yes, many toxic and few good ones but I guess the good ones are all that matters.
Sara- Re: Toxic Friends: Should you stay ... tomato
15 y
4,524
This is a reply to # 1,455,921I'm still in the slave party here Mo123. It has been almost
6 days should be thru hopefully building by 8 tonite.
Been hot and heavy 104 degrees and two times a sprinkle of rain cooled the heat.
I will check out the egg recipes soon. I managed to get some sleep last night.
Still so much to slave over and no time to do the slaving.
It is a different life. Backyard is full of biting insects.
FOUND OUT it is called chiggers. bad bad bad
maybe i can lay out some seasalt in backyard? to rid.
I want to get roller to pickup the grass and replace with
gravel. no more mowing is my goal.
Lady behind us left yard unkepted. This week she was forced
to mow it.
Thank you for your loving thoughts I love it.
I do love my eggs. I just bought some curry spice so just down my alley Spud.
Thank you for that egg thing. You are true buddies. I agree I was put under the on coming train.
- Re: Toxic Friends: Should you stay ... mo123
15 y
4,544
This is a reply to # 1,456,071tomato, look at it as a blessing. You found out that "There's no place like Sara's Soup." Now that is worth while, huh.
Take care our friend.
Sara
- Re: Toxic Friends: Should you stay ... mo123
15 y
4,544
- Re: Toxic Friends: Should you stay ... tomato
15 y
4,524
- Re: Toxic Friends: Should you stay ... mo123
15 y
4,528
- The difference between good and toxi... mo123
15 y
5,037
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