Hi, I have been the one who fell in love with my husband. We had a stormy 10 year marriage. Now we could start to enjoy life a bit after working hard, building a dream house, 2 businesses and a wonderful fruit tree garden. We live on an island. But we have explosive stuff coming up eventually every 3 months or so. We have a good life together apart from that, are sweet and so on... then an exlosion happens because my husband starts to be hostile toward me. He never admits it and calls me usually crazy. Today he asked me to pay back half of a $ 70.00 bill for an electrician. He wanted it immediately and said I would otherwise never pay him back. Which is crazy because I pay all the BIG bills in advance (3,200 house insurance, 21,000.00 for solar system, all furniture for living room and kitchen). I give him a whole year to pay half of his part of the house insurance and he pays only a third of the solar system. The furniture I paid for without asking anything. I feel like being used to pay bills. when I met him, he had several thousand dollars in debt and right when I met him I lowned him money which he paid back. Through our work he got out of debts and we built the house and it is paid already.
He was a hippy kind of guy and when we married, I started to work seriously towards our goal. He did help me to build up a business as he is smart and confident and can build a website and so on. I can't do these things and was always very scared. I moved in with him on his land. It is now our land as I put in a lot of my money for our house.
I am from Germany and because I told him about my problems in life, he often made fun of me. When we are with other people he is often hostile with me (not in front of them but just between me and him). He is only really nice with me when we are alone. so we are mostly alone. Once his mother came to visit for a week after 7 years of being married, we got into terrible trouble. He even punched me so hard on my arm, that I got blue and reported him and got an TRO against him. He never got into the therapy the judge asked him to.
We got together again. I called the police one more time on him but since then it was more quiet. WE always got back together again because he doesn't want to let me go and I couldn't go so far. I have had terrible fear, have no family to rely on or really good friends. I have moved away from my home country. I have always been in the midst of a project where my money was tied up with. But now we have built our dream house, the solar system is up and almost ready. Now I am with his latest outburst of hostility and I look at my life and I am feeling it shouldn't continue like this. I am controlling (well, we get up late and he is on the internet reading stuff till 1 or 2 pm and doesn't do any work unless I push him. Is that controlling or just kind of necessary? I think he wastes his time and I push him somehow, often jokingly and he follows my lead usually). So, I guess, I am playing a motherly role somehow.
He would have lived in our small cabin and lived the life of a hippie, he is comfortable with people and always says I am the cause of all the trouble. I am comfortable with people when I am away from him. I have never been at holidays with him because we fight around money. The few times we went away, we had terrible fights and he never comes to me to make up.
Here at home, mostly I came and begged him to not leave me alone. I was always devastated about his being away and our fights. I admit I am crazy when he pulls his hostility feelings on me. I freek out and don't inhibit myself. I just go nuts. He doesn't freek out like me.

I think he wants to have me around to work hard and pay the bills. but sometimes when I have work and he doesn't, I ask him to cook me a food and I have to beg him. I usually make food whenever I can and I love to do it. but it tires me when it is soo difficult to get him to make me something. And I know I do ask him for a lot of other things. trouble with internet, repairs, etc. he does the guy kind of stuff.

Gee, maybe he needs to rebuild his male ego in a way when he pulls away from me?

I kind of get that message. It is not that I would discourage him from inviting friends. When he has a friend over, he doesn't like me to talk much. He thinks I talk too much and take the conversation away from him. When I have friends over, he definitely totally dominates the conversation. so I do not like him to be around either.

There are times, when we can be together with others peacefully when I take the female background thing and cook and serve while the others are talking. But even then he can be slightly hostile by not offering a chair for me in front of all the others. He can behave like a total male chauvinist a**ho** and I can't help calling him that when everybody is gone.

I guess that is too much for this forum but I give it a try. Thanks, for reading this.