Well I know what you mean...sort of. I'm the disturbance in the room. I snore really loud. Now I've never heard myself, but I've been told. And I used to dismiss this, but I've been told by more than my husband. I had a girlfriend wake me up on an overnight and whisper in my face...how does he stand it? Okay, so I'm not a pretty feminine sleeper...

My husband, bless his heart, has worn ear plugs for years. Actually he is a bit of a connoisseur when it comes to the certain brands. Guy has had to go in to get his ears cleaned out from shoving ear wax and compacting them. I'd say after 25 years, that is real love.

Here is my comment to you, and this I know for a fact. Do not leave his bed under any circumstances. There is something psychological about not sharing a bed. Perhaps you are the perfect couple, but you've only been together for a little over 3 years. Believe me, it does not do long term relationships good by not sleeping together. Some may protest what I'm saying, but in my years I have seen relationships go south by one person going to different sleeping quarters. Why is this? I have no idea, but I've seen it happen more than once.....many times actually.

My suggestion? A sleeping mask and ear plugs if you have to. Tell the man to compromise on the TV. One night can be reading, the other the TV. It's all part of those give and take methods to create a long lasting relationship. A completely inflexible partner is unacceptable. And bed habits are probably the most personal things you share.

When my husband goes on business trips now, and doesn't have to wear earplugs, he can't sleep without me in the bed. Good lord, you'd think it was a relief. And me? It takes me two days to get to sleep without him. The night he comes home, we both crash completely. it's a terribly intimate, interconnected thing. The smell of them, their rhythm of movement, the heat, the weight of their body, perhaps even stronger their exhalations of CO2....who the hell knows?

That being said I decided to google this question. Tons of info on people happily sleeping apart, and now houses are built with two rooms for couples. Many more sites were positive about sleeping separate than together.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm telling you, I've seen what it seems to do after awhile. But if you want validation, all you need to do is a search. I think you'll find what you are looking for.

Just my 2 cents, maybe useless, maybe not!!

Molly

I often had a hard time sleeping with my boyfriend too. We have lived together since October, and it was a challenge sometimes even before we moved together and I would spend the night at his place. I was going to suggest earplugs, which help, but like you, most of the time earplugs dont work for me. My boyfriends snoring was still waking me up, and it was sickengly frustrating.

Its gotten a lot better lately. I make him wear those nose things and use the throat strips that help with snoring somewhat. And unlike you we dont have another comfortable place to sleep in our house so sleeping in seperate rooms isnt really an option.

I see snoring isnt really your problem as much though, and honestly, it seems to me that its your husbands way or the highway when it comes to the bedroom. Have you told him about how his habits are effecting your sleep? He should care about the things that are bothing you and be willing to make as many changes as possible to help you.

What happens when you ask him not to do these things? (the hitting the snooze, the shades, etc).

Personally I would avoid sleeping in different rooms unless there is a serious issue to demant it.
My own marriage fell apart due to lack of love. She simply forgot that love is more than physical act.
Eventually I moved out of the bedroom hoping to "wake her up"!
It didn't work. Separation folloved.
Then divorce!
I can't imagine a marriage where partners sleeps in separate rooms permanently.
Oldfashioned perhaps. That's me.

Good luck for you

Not everyone notices these things that we all give, and give up, in marriage, or in living with anyone, even our children.

Luckily, the healthcare things I've been doing have stopped my snoring, I am told. (I only heard myself a few times, as I woke myself up. It was pretty awful.) And I always breathe easily, now.


One thing I think may be true in relationships...

...That we become 'used' to others, waking and sleeping, and in any room in the house, anywhere in our lives. I feel that our sub-conscious minds take care of us while we are sleeping, and waking...allowing us to accept the presence of others as 'safe'...or not.

Otherwise, we would soon be dead from lack of rest, etc.

A story...

My first mother-in-law prided herself on her frugality, her clean house, and her ability to catch people in lies, even years later. (That's why we all could be sure she would ask certain questions, repeatedly, at least annually. And significantly why she became my EX mother-in-law. She was a 'pip'...unique.)

Her husband came home every working-day afternoon, had his shower and changed, then settled into his favorite chair to read his newspaper, and have a cigarette.

His wife also never failed to notice how dirty was his smoking habit, and she chastized him daily for the ashes on her living room carpet, furniture, etc.

(She, of course, had quit a thirty-year smoking habit, cold turkey, and figured everyone else should, too.)

One day, while she was nattering away about the filth around his chair, her husband said...

"That's funny, I haven't smoked a cigarette for three weeks!"

(The most perfect 'squelch' story I ever heard! And, proof positive that she was just 'feeling' the dirt.)



A few minutes ago, I posted this in the Rape forum, reminding me of some things I did to change some of my strongest feelings. They made life-changing differences...

..........................................................................

Subject: Re: Need to talk
Username: fledgling
Date: 3/5/2008 10:39:42 AM (38 min ago)
Hits: message viewed 8 times
URL: //www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1126325


I believe you, too, Jynx.

But, obviously, it's your mum who is important to you. ...And yourself. Burying a memory, inside, not talking about it or whatever you need to do, makes the event even more stressful, I think...or long-lasting.

Still, you have other alternatives.

If you could change the way you FEEL about it, including how you feel about your mum's reaction, the whole thing might disappear, or become unimportant.

(Please, throw an old shoe at me, if you think I need it.)

At one time, I proved to myself that I only needed to put my arms around myself, stroke my upper arms, and say out loud, "There, there, little one. You'll be okay...I'll take care of you," for the 'child' within to be comforted, and the feelings (of disappointment, that I wasn't worth better treatment) to vanish.

I was 46 years old, and the life-long sometimes pain in my stomach instantly disappeared, permanently.

The book I read this in explained that we are three people inside...

...The needy 'child',

...The worried and scolding 'parent', and,

...The 'adult' we are becoming.

And that the 'adult' is responsible for the well-being of all....comforting the 'child', soothing the 'parent'...and giving the 'adult' opportunities to explore and grow...to see more of life and other people, and ourselves.

That simple exercise, putting ones arms around oneself, is powerful.


More recently, I accidently discovered another way...

..."Let's say you/ I /they did!" ...Or, "do!"


I said that to my mother, 87, when she was wishing she had raised her children differently.

Instantly, her face opened like a flower, and all the things she wished became possible...she said some of them, with joy.

The imagination is a wonderful thing...and we can access it so easily.


Since then, I've used this idea many times, often to fall asleep at night. The exercise also has a way of 'leaking' into my daytimes, as well.

Eventually, as we grow older and wiser, incidents in the past kind of change shape, as we learn more of what was really going on.

There wasn't one thing you could have done differently! You did your best, according to what you knew so far. (We always do.)

That poor man thought what he was doing was a good idea...okay...at the time...else he wouldn't have done it. For some strange reason, at which you can only guess, he thought he was 'allowed'.

He didn't yet realize his 'duty of care' toward you, or to himself.

Perhaps he learned this later, or perhaps he didn't. Either way, it wasn't your responsibility to teach him...nor could you.

The only thing you are responsible for is your own feelings, today, no matter how anyone else acted.

It is a lucky thing that our feelings CAN be changed...and so easily. Eventually, our feelings do change, anyway, whether or not we do it on purpose.

It's lucky, too, that we can change in the direction we prefer.

Hope there is something here for you, Jynx. Or, should I call you 'Lucky'?

My best,

Fledgling

.................................................................

Another story...

A lady was complaining how her husband insisted on reading his newspaper over breakfast, bare-chested...a disgusting habit, she thought.

Another lady, who was single, said, "Please give him to me."


I suppose there are very few of us who have it so badly that others would not willingly change places with us, in the twinkling of an eye.

In fact, as heart-wrenching and hurtful as it was, I am very glad I dumped the other guy, and his mother, and found the dear I am now married to.

Perhaps the former husband is also glad to have a nice new wife.

I even suspect that I am somewhat elevated in the esteem of the ex-mother-in-law, too, as she had to take on another daughter-in-law, complete with brand new preferences and habits.

Life is quite curious, but interesting.

F.

I've been having a similar problem lately with my boyfriend of four years and I was wondering if you had any advice for me since posting your problem. We've recently moved in together, three months ago, but for the last two years we've been sleeping at each others apartments most nights, this was only an occasional problem then. I really believe that we should be sleeping in the same bed, or maybe that's just what I really really want.

However, it is inevitable that he'll wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, get up for a little while and then end up sleeping in another room. This has been frustrating me because its depressing to wake up with him gone, sort of like I'm to blame. Of course, I want him to get plenty of good sleep, but when we sleep in separate rooms, I don't sleep well.

Neither of us snore, although he says that sometimes I cough in my sleep, and we have a fan or air conditioner on for both the noise and the heat. I use my own top sheet and he has a comforter so we don't touch and I try to sleep as close to the edge as I can in order to not disturb him if I need to turn over. I've suggested getting a tempurpedic, but he doesn't want to spend the money.

I've run out of ideas, any suggestions?