Cheeesh, if someone had only told me that I could get a Venti Caramel Macchiato with my chip implant....I wouldn't have made such a fuss all this time....

(kidding, of course. totally.  i think that this is a hoax...have no idea where it came from.  it was forwarded to me.)

Knudsen's News
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Friday, October 12, 2007

Starbucks to Begin Offering Implantable ID Chip.....


Seattle, WA-Gone are the days when a simple cup of coffee came with cream, sugar, and maybe the morning paper. These days, coffee consumers are faced with a growing array of choices. Do you want cream, low-fat soy milk, or vanilla syrup in your cup of Joe? How about some whipped cream on top? Banana nut muffin? These options are becoming increasingly familiar to caffeine junkies all over this land but what about an implantable chip that will allow coffee giant Starbucks to keep track of your beverage choices, location via a global positioning system, and much more.

"Starbucks is leading the way for businesses to better serve their customer base through some pretty amazing and cutting edge advances in technology," company president Jim Donald explained today in a press conference held at the company's headquarters in Seattle. "Making this all possible is our teaming with IBM, who has produced for us a one of a kind supercomputer that is the most powerful of its kind and capable of crunching through a thousand trillion mathematical operations every second. Keeping track of the spending habits, personal information, whereabouts, and medical information of a few million people shouldn't be a problem."

The chip, which is being manufactured by TriStigma Industries, will be offered to all Starbucks customers on a voluntary first come, first serve basis, and upon consent will be injected into the subcutaneous tissue of the chosen forearm. The chip will then slowly imbed itself into the recipients neuroendocrine system, for monitoring purposes only, and begin to transmit information to the company's orbiting satellite. Plans are already underway to begin challenging laws that require informed consent before placing the chips.

Donald further revealed that "In the very near future, patrons will be able to order and pay for their favorite Starbucks beverage with a mere swiping of their arm under a scanner. The chip's sensors, and the millions of nanobots that will spread throughout the body, will track trends in vital signs, neurotransmitter release, and sexual arousal all in an effort to better serve our customers. But this is just the beginning. Eventually our customers will be scanned as they walk through the door, allowing for our staff to begin preparing their coffee of choice right away. The offensive capabilities of our chips will of course only be used as is deemed necessary by our board of trustees. Starbucks has only your best interests at heart and you have nothing to fear."

Posted by Zoo Knudsen at 8:00 AM

Labels: ID Chip, Nanobots, Neurotransmitters, Starbucks, TriStigma


9 comments:
The Preemie Experiment said...
Great reporting Zoo!

I'm all for it! A chip that reads my mood and tells the staff what to make for me??

You mean I won't have to waste my time telling the clerk what I want, only to have them get it wrong!

Woo Hoo!!

October 12, 2007 12:42 PM
Juan Valdez said...
Yes, it will be most convenient for all of us, especially when the illusion of free will is revealed. But we will be powerless to stop them at that point. You see, they will have all of the chips. Or rather we will, huaaaahaahahahaaahaa!

October 12, 2007 2:13 PM
Sid Schwab said...
I think that's the kind they put in my dog. Whenever I take him with me to Starbucks, there's a venti pussycat macchiato waiting for me.

October 12, 2007 9:02 PM
Sid Schwab said...
I should have added this: my uncle was one of the first subjects on whom they tried a prototype implant. In fact, he agreed to the process also with Nordstrom, Burger King, Bloomingdales, and several others. Eventually he had around a dozen chips in each forearm. He was quite delighted with the simplicity; but after he went to a Rolling Stones concert he found that due to the nearness of his forearms to each other during applause, he'd charged over $40,000 to his Mastercard.

October 13, 2007 6:19 PM
Zoo Knudsen said...
Hence the growing popularity of Chipware, accessories that can be neatly screwed into the spinal column and which help to regulate the activity of multiple implants. Experts predict that Chipware devices will weight less than 50lbs by the end of the decade. What an age we live in!

October 13, 2007 8:09 PM
Anonymous said...
I am confused.

What does this have to do with micro-chipping pet chinchillas? Why has this post shown up as a "must read" on the international chinchilla message board?

I am going to sip my chai macchiato and ponder for a while but I am pissed as hell.

Knudsen, you are full of it and I do not mean skim latte

October 14, 2007 12:35 AM
Zoo Knudsen said...
Hogwash! My sources are impecable on this story and I stand by it. And I didn't mention anything about pets, that was discussed in a previous comment. I don't think that animals should drink coffee with the obvious exception of badgers. It's bad for their hearts or something. I'll have to look into it. Also, I don't know what a chincilla is. A kind of blanket?

October 14, 2007 6:52 AM
Rolf said...
This has to be a hoax. An implantable chip cannot transmit info to a satellite. Besides, only Digital
Angel Corp has the technology to implant chips in humans.

October 14, 2007 12:00 PM
Zoo Knudsen said...
Chips are implanted in dogs. Is the canine physiology so different that the technology of implanting chips in humans is that out of reach. I think perhaps that you work for some rival company and are trying to spread misinformation. Not on my website sir, not ever. I have a strict no misinformation policy. Harumph!

October 14, 2007 4:00 PM