I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know first hand that even when a man is honest, doesn't cheat, works hard, etc., that you can be very lonely. The worst kind of lonliness isn't when you're alone, it's when he's there but absent. At least leaving is a choice to be alone. I applaud you deciding to stick it out for your children's sake. I really do urge you to have him see a doctor. If he's not cheating on you, (have you checked your computer thoroughly? Download pctattletale.com if you're not sure of him), then he should be willing to see a doctor. He could have anything from low testosterone to cancer. I just had a discussion with my husband recently that it seems like when we're in a low rut, I'm the one who has to make the effort to pick it back up, and when I tire of being the only one trying, it goes right back to mediocre. Yet, my husband is loving and a hard worker. But I don't get the affection I used to, although he's perfectly ready for s*x anytime. It's a man/woman thing, mostly, venus and mars. What I'm saying is, I know how you feel. I don't mean to say anything mean, but my ex and I went through a period where there was almost no physical contact, and my mother told me that if he isn't getting it from me, he's getting it from someone else. I was SO angry at her for that, I knew he would never cheat on me. She was right. Over the course of our marriage, he cheated on me at least 6 times. I hope that's not what it is, so find out. Talk to him, be ready for anything. Hang in there.

Awfullyconfused, you never mentioned how you managed to meet back up with the former boyfriend, but it sounds as if you're banking on a fantasy: you've somehow developed this idea that your life with the former boyfriend would have been some glorious experience rather than dealing with grinds of repetetive daily living. There is also not enough information about your legal husband - NPD? Abusive? Or, are you just bored with your relationship.

Replacing one problem with another accomplishes one thing: different problem, same issues. Perhaps, you might want to focus on filling that void in your Self (that Life's Spark that makes you unique in all the world) with your Self - find something that you've always wanted to do and nurture that interest.

Your current situation sounds like an emotional train wreck - just as a previous response suggested: you are setting your Self up for disaster, without a doubt. Playing the "Woulda-Shoulda-Coulda" game is fueling something within your Self that is lacking. Of course, if your current spouse is an abusive NPD, I'd remark about that, as well. But, there's really not enough information and, what you've provided, is suggesting boredom, self-esteem issues, regret issues, etc. Having an affair with someone (old flame, or otherwise) will not (ever) solve the core issues.

Best wishes to you.

I think it is quite possible that you and your former lover are soul mates, but it was not your karma to be together, at least not now.

I do not think he is automatically a looser for having several failed marriages. He might be, but if you don't connect with the right person, it is easy to fail in a relationship. I know I have. So I don't judge people on that verbatim.

What would I do?

I would, first of all, take care of my obligations. That would be your children. Divorce is not always the worst thing that can happen to them, but your marriage does not sound abusive...just boring. I would try to fix my marriage...I don't know how old your children are, so I don't know how long you would have to "stay put" for their sake, but that would be my first choice, unless there is abuse going on. Do what you can to create a happy, safe home for them.

I would not leave my husband for this other man. If nothing else, the baggage and guilt you would bring with you could destroy the love you feel for him once the honeymoon was over. If you don't loose custody of your children, and even if you do, they might not accept him and that would bring its own problems. If I left my husband, I would do so on my own, for reasons having to do with the marriage itself, and once free and clear, let the chips fall where they may.

Remember, life is not necessarily about romance and passion. Some are lucky enough to find it for a lifetime, but most do not. Most marriages fall in the the sleepy, best friend category sooner or later. This is not to say that your yearnings are not real, but satisfying them at any cost might not be in your best interest, unless you are free to move on first.

I would, however, not lock the door on this other man. Send him a Christmas card, or a little friendly note once in awhile. The situation may change some day...you might lose your husband in another way...and if he is not married, the two of you would deserve a chance then. Life is funny that way, sometimes....

I read a true story once about a couple who fell in love and parted, only to think of each other constantly for over 20 years. They got in touch, but each was married with families, and neither wanted to go through the heartbreak of destroying their family. So they lived with honor, but they kept in touch. And then, one day, they found that they both were free, and they married and found the soul mate quality of happiness they had always longed for. It can happen.

Sounds familiar confused. Harleygyrl has some good references.

I've had the same problem with my mate for only 8 years though. Love em and nothing comes back. Or they might try for a few days and then right back to the same ole stuff.

What to do about it??? Good question. I was pretty bitter about it until I went back and forth with a few people on this forum. Helped a lot. The bitterness is gone but the problem remains. Harleygyrl and a few others on this forum will help you get through it or at least allow you to maintain until final resolution is attainable.

There are some people that just can't love. So be it....It's NOT your fault. Makes you kinda feel sorry for them. So I just keep the love flowing for the sake of having the love flowing. I expect NO return. It's fun.

Better to be the lover than the lovee.