You can't have em all.

Your priority is good looking kids or your security?

I think you will be a perfect mother you will have a real victims attitude - I did it all for my kids !!!

Just joking. I think that u shouldn't be worried for future outcomes. You like him if he likes u too go for it (mean marriage).

Don't think a lot cause u don't have the time to do so. Go with him cause you like him, none knows the future or can control it.

I know that, before I got married the first time, I should have (in retrospect) examine the "facts" of our relationship rather than the fantasies of what I chose to believe. I chose to believe that our abusive treatment of one another was "normal" and that it was "healthy" to argue back and forth. The abuse intensified until I was a gutless wonder without direction, focus, hope, or courage. What I chose to believe were the "good" qualities in my ex were, in fact, fantasies. I wanted for him to be the fantastical things that I held in my mind so badly that the denial became almost a lifeboat for me. Once I began to examine the facts against the fantasies, I realized that I had made an enormous error in judgement and that I had allowed myself to devolve into a victim of domestic violence/abuse. This abuse rolled downhill to our children, and on to mutual friends.

A healthy, loving relationship shouldn't require the "hard work" that many people insist necessary to maintain the union. In addition, constant arguing is not a symptom of healthy interaction - such arguments can (and, do) devolve into verbal and emotional abuse with one person attempting to cause better pain to the other, and vice versa. Healthy disagreements are absolutely appropriate, but there is an ocean of difference between fighting and disagreeing. A partner and companion should be someone that can be trusted to not intentionally harm our emotions or self-esteem, FIRST and foremost. Acceptance of differing interests is wonderful, as long as our differing interests don't present (or, provide) opportunities for ridicule or paybacks.

Can you visualize where you will be in the next five years with this man? Do you honestly see improvement or disintegration? Where will you be in ten years? What would your offspring learn from your relationship with this man? Are you able to to visualize yourselves as old, worn, but comfortable human beings in the twilights of your lives, together? Will there be a wealth of support, encouragement, laughter, empathy, trust, and honesty throughout your lives together? These are the questions that only you can answer for your Self.

Life is far too short to settle for security rather than settle for Self (that Life's Spark that makes us unique). In order to cleave to a partner and companion in safety and emotional health, we have to be strong in our Selves, first. Otherwise, we'll just choose the next %¤#&!§- to come along that showers us with their insincere B.S. and hook us like a rainbow trout.

Best wishes to you.

I can't help but think of the sleepless nights, messes and all of the stress that babies cause! There seems to be a lot of stress in your relationship already and to add marriage and babies is akin to "asking for it", that is a really big blowup.
After 6.5 years I should think that most of the bumps would be smoothed out. Not gone, just not major events anymore. The fact that they are not is a signal that there is an underlying problem or problems that needs to be settled before going further.
You probably already know the solution to some parts of the "puzzle", so you need to set aside your fears and look at the situation in a rather detached way. Lists always help me! I would list the good things about us, the not-so-good things, the bad things and the things that definitely must change. [Remember that this is the way you see it, not the way some outside judge would.] By putting it down on paper in a four column balance sheet you get a look at what you have in a different way.
This is the method that a lot of counselors use because it has proven reliable, especially when each partner does it alone and then the results are put together. I hesitate to recommend do-it-yourself counseling, so it may not be a good idea to try it on him just yet.
Once you have a good look at your own list and clarify the problem points, it would be good to get counseling, but if not possible, start to work the list with him by introducing one thing at a time and trying to get an agreement on change. If you can get rid of all of the "definitely must change " items and make some progress on the "bad" items, then I would say that you have found the right partner.
You may find that the process is a bit discouraging at first, but remember that "the pigmys eat an elephant one bite at a time". Try to approach your problems in the same way and collapse one thing at a time. Your anxiety levels will go way down and your confidence will go way up! That's a double win!
Finally, I will throw in a moral note that you may accept or not. For centuries, we have known and seen that relationships work best based on honesty and love. The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It is absolutely critical in marriage. Nothing is as destructive as lies. Nothing is as powerful as genuine love.
God bless you and guide you on your quest for a loving relationship.

Actually my first instinct when I read your post is that you are going through the 6 1/2 year itch....My husband and I did this also, and almost exactly at the same age too! It's the time when you are completely settled in and any differences seem to rear up. Many marriages have a hard time at this point too.

I have two seperate comments, both positive and negative for your situation.

The first is that this hump is easily overcome. What my husband and I did was first decide to get married. That spurred a heightened sense of commitment to the relationship. We didn't jump into "marriage" plans, but just acknowledged that we did want to be together. Our actual marriage took its course (we eloped with another couple...it was fun!) I got pregnant at 34 and I'm glad I didn't wait too much longer than that. We've now been together for almost 25 years, and we've had many other ups and downs...many! It will never be perfect, but there were moments of perfection.

Question, when you argue is it belittling? I ask this because it's hard to know how you two are during these spats. If they are just stupid arguments, then that is totally normal. If they are arguments about very specific ideals, philosophies, etc, then that is different. If they are arguments about the same thing each time, then that is something to examine too.

Another question..do you both feel respect for each other? Respect is the glue, much more than love or sex or even like. Does he respect you? Do you respect him?

The more negative aspect is the different lifesytles. Now this is something you need to examine. The fact that you give each other freedom is key. Without that freedom to be individual you would be doomed.

My best friend is very active. The woman is always moving. Physical fitness is her guru. Her husband is exactly the opposite. After 20+ years this is now becoming a big enough issue that she wants to leave him. She sees herself as young and vital and her husband as settled into old age. It's a big dilemma for her because she likes him, but she has lost respect for him. There you go.

You guys are young. My husband and I were quite the party goer's back then too. Believe me, it slows down...especially after kids. To almost a comotose level for some during the early baby stage. You change after kids, a lot! Both of you will.

If a decent structure exists in the relationship, you still enjoy each other the majority of the time, there is respect, there is like, there is sex, there are some common interests, if there is kindness and most importantly laughter and humor, then you are just going through the basic 6 year hump. Don't over analyze, continue to offer each other independence and self actualization and you two will be just fine.

You are just going through the "Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with" blues. Been there, seen it, done it.....Should you make it, come back here in 15 years and tell me about the other more complicated crap that is going on. I don't care if you are married to Prince Charming, after 25 years it hasn't been, and never will be perfection.

In the end, your gut will tell you that you would rather jump out the window than to hear his key in the door....that is when it's definitely time to say goodbye.

Molly

I read your post many times, and believe me, I feel for you. It's very hard when you have that much time invested in a relationship and thoughts of letting it go are sneaking in.

You couldn't tell us everything about your lives together, but some things came to my mind: You don't mention being happy in this relationship, nor any extremely positive qualities about your mate. Are your needs being met? When you ask for a compromise, how does your mate respond?

Please delve deeply because I suggest the question you should be asking yourself is "what do I want for my future, does this relationship provide it?".

Regarding children, are you two willing to work together instead of in different directions? Will you two be able to handle disagreements, because you certainly can't be arguing a lot in front of the children.

This thought concerns me: "He would be a great dad and I know I would be an ok mom (we both agree on that) we just don't know if we would be such great partners then."

Really think about what that is saying about your relationship. If this came to pass, would you want or like those changes in yourself, your mate, and your relationship?

"We have discussed breaking up as we both don't see how we can change these patterns." That is the art of compromise in marriage/couplehood. Patterns which are truly disruptive to the harmony of the relationship must be examined and resolved to an agreeable solution to both of you. Otherwise one of you ends up feeling constantly unhappy about important things, which can foster resentment over a period of time.

This thought really worries me: "I am also scared of living with the permanent feeling of living inadequatly....or not being able to be myself and to settle down." My heart aches for you when I read this sentence. It tells me you are not happy and not being yourself. Therefore, you are settling. Quite possibly out of fear of the unknown of leaving this man and wondering if you'll ever find a "better" relationship.

This is really the crux of the situation. Your choice truly is to answer whether you are willing to settle for the rest of your life. After 6-1/2 years together and he says he doesn't see how he can change his patterns, he is being honest with you. Believe him, and don't expect or hope for change.

You know exactly the future ahead, with the complications of children added in. Will this make you happy and is this what you want? If so, great! If not, ask yourself what your fears are about leaving this relationship. Take each fear and ask how you can resolve it if it occurs. Then ask yourself again which situation is better for you.

Good luck and God bless you, Flower

I really hear you. I was in a relationship for 7 years that was quite similar. I got into when I was older than you are...40...and it was based on ... you guessed it, fear. Fear of growing old. Fear of being alone. Fear of my life never having any meaning or purpose....etc. etc.

You, however, are a bit young for that. (Not that I an invalidating your fears...just trying to put them in persective).

In looking back, for me, being with that man was a big mistake, as it drained me and kept me from finding a more compatible mate, if indeed there was one, for at 40 your chances are not as good as they are at 33... and I was 47 when it ended ... (my, how time flies) not to insinuate staying with him is wrong for you...just trying to put it in perspective.

Only you can know if he is right for you or not.

The big question is, do you love him?

How do you know....well, you never miss the water until the well runs dry. You might want to consider taking a formal vacation from each other. You could move out...or simply go off on your own for a few weeks...even months. You don't have to go far, you could visit a friend or stay with family. I know you both give each other a lot of space in this relationship... but you are still under the same roof... so you still take each other for granted. Use the time you are apart to take a good long look at yourself and how you feel being on on your own, without him. He can do the same.

Did you miss him? Did he miss you?

A trial separation is dangerous, but for some couples it works because they come back together with a deeper appreciation for each other and for many it works, because they don't. The good part about it is, if you treat the relationship with the dignity and respect it deserves, it leaves the door open and an open door is much more comfortable then one that is shut and locked.

If the thought of doing that fills you with dread, maybe that means you already miss him just thinking about it ...or you need some counseling to help you get to the heart of the matter. Both alone and couples counseling. The key here would be for you two to open up to each other and communicate. Communication is the life blood of any relationship. With or without a counslor, talk to each other about what you want out of life, about how you feel about each other, about what is bothering you. Make a pact, that if he he really listens to you, you will really listen to him too.

Leaving a long term relationship is a big decision and I can't tell you what to do. These are only suggestions. But two people who are arguing and bickering all the time are not loving and supporting each other, and so something needs to be done to either bring you together or pull you apart.

If you do part, I sincerely hope that you do so gently, so that you have a peaceful closure and remain friends, even if you never actually see or speak to him again. When you get older, its nice to look back on those that held your hand in life and know that you treated them well and they think highly of you even though the two of you did not stay together.

Thank you so much all for your kind, nice and lovely messages. I feel honoured that you took the time to think about my problem and came up with such great answers.

I would love to comment on each post and mention some of the really great things you guys said and the amount of detail you took in to refer to me! I cant do that with every post though.

I appreciate comments in both direction and understand that fear based decisions are usually not good. It is a differentiated decision to make and there is good and bad in both options. Flowergirl, you sound so attentive in what you say and what you refer to! I didnt mention being happy for a couple of reasons. On the one hand I didnt want to make suggestions into one direction or sounding as if I am defending him. Of course he is a great man, we have a lot of fun together and regardless if I will be with him or not, I would recommend him to any woman! There is no abuse between us, he is not the bad guy- I am not the bad girl. It is two people living together and dealing with each others good and bad sides. Of course an argument isnt the most polite form of communicating (otherwise it wouldnt be an argument) but we are nowhere near what Soulsuvivor was fearing. Though I understand from other posts that Souls. is influenced by her own lifestory (naturally). What we have is a problem communicating though we seem to be doing that all the time. I know how he feels, he loves me lots but living together is sometimes a hard compromise and as much as we are both trying we both feel sorry for the other person having to bend themselves out of shape.And we both try.And that is why we havent decided to have kids so far because we always felt that arguing already is a bad start for the kid and the parents. Things he would like are sometimes just not my thing and I sometimes want things that just aren't him. But also there are moments when things fall into shape and it all works so nicely only I don't seem to be able to maintain them very long. It's an up and down literally.... Molly bloom, you sound so wise and have encouraged me so much and yes, maybe you are right, maybe we just need to go the next step instead of sitting there like the rabbit in the spotlight. Raynbo, you saying I am young does tons for my ego. I have a tendency to think too much and I need to be told that 33 is young! Whatever happens we will always be good friends - this isnt a "should I dump him" kind of relationship. We will make this decision together and we will continue to be there for each other.

121212,

Google the name of you city together with the next phrases:
"family constellations", "systemic constellations", "Bert Hellinger", "Constellation workshops"

If your city is Chicago:

Chicago "family constellations"

http://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&q=Chicago+%22family+constellations%22


Chicago "systemic constellations"

http://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&q=Chicago+%22systemic+constellations%22


Chicago "Bert Hellinger"

http://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&q=Chicago+%22Bert+Hellinger%22


Find a practitioner of "family constellations" in your area ... and go there and ask the same question: "Should I get married with T?"

You may also try the same search on Yellow Pages websites.

Try also
http://Hellinger.com


You will get your answer, and much more.
The therapy can help both to improve your relationship ... or to give you guidance on what to do ...

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