Remembering Danielle

Date:   1/31/2008 11:09:04 PM ( 16 y ago)

8:52 PM
January 31, 08

Tonight is Danielle's Memorial.
I am sorry I am not there.
It feels like a loss that I am not there.

Helena, her mother, was my sweetheart
for five years. We are still good friends.

Danielle was a troubled young woman.
I hadn't thought of her for numbers of years.

Helena tells me she had a eating problem.
She just stopped eating and drinking.
She went down to 100 lbs. She died on Monday.

I do not imagine that Danielle thought of herself as
being Jewish. I do not know.
Helena was part of our Jewish Renewal Community.

I do not know if they were close in recent years.

I felt it was important to be there.

I called four people for a ride.

I do not do well in the cold.
It has been biting cold.
I seldom go out during this winter after dark.

I can't believe that something like the weather
stopped me from attending this important time
to give Helena support.

I called Helena twice today.

I am angry that done of the rides worked out.

How could I have done this differently?

Maybe I could have gone up to Rhonda's before it got dark
and then gone up with them. Maybe I could have slept up there
at Rhonda's. I want to check after the fact if that was a possibility.

This is the second time something like this has happened
in the last ten days, where I have belt my spirit wanted to be
somewhere, but I stopped myself because of weather conditions.

I am not a person who likes to be stopped by physical things,
although it happens to me.

What would I have done if my it were my father who had died?
How would I have done this differently?

Was money that all that stopped me?

Could i have taken a cab up there?
Maybe that would have cost $75.00 one way.
I imagine I could have gotten a ride back.

That seems extreme.

I am hearing voices outside my door now.
It brings up other areas where I am grieving
the loss of dreams.

I want to spend more time with Helena.

I was reading about Rosemary tonight.
A newsletter says it has anti-inflammatory properties.

I know it is also for remembering.

I am feeling very sad that Danielle's life ended like this.

I hope I do not die in winter.
who would call the community together for me?

I am drinking a cup of Rosemary tea.

I want to do more.





 

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