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Pre-Day 1 of Fast...getting mentally ready
Rambling about my history...
Date: 10/29/2005 4:18:54 AM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 2343 times It's 3:30am Saturday Morning. I've turned into a night owl.
I live in LA, but decided to leave for a few months. I needed family, love, the sense of belonging, etc. The month before I left, I started to experience all the feelings I yearned for...just my luck. I met a friend, who is like the British version of me. Fun girl to hang out with, meet boys, drink, etc. I think I should've stayed in LA. I would have been better off mentally.
Now I'm in Minnesota for a few months. It's been nearly four years since I've moved away. Struggling to stay with my mother, always asking me where I'm going, what I'm doing. I'm not used to talking to people when I'm at home. Well, I'm usually not at home. I like to keep busy! But when I am at home, I like peace and quiet. It's my sanctuary.
I thought it would be okay, initially, to be here. My plan was to find a job, keep busy, catch up with family and old friends, etc. But as always, plans change. My job doesn't start until November 7, which means I'm frickin' bored off my ass...which is wrong to say because I'm literally on my ass all frickin' day. I've gained about 13 pounds in one month. Can you believe that? Just this week, it's been about 5.
For the past couple of months in LA, I thought I overcame my emotional eating. I was mainly busy to eat, too lazy to cook, etc. I exercised about four times a week. I was happy and BUSY. Before...my problem......when I was angry, bored, sad, whatever, I would eat eat eat eat. For the past 5 years, I've been fluctuating 10-20 pounds. For some frickin reason, though, my weight will not go under 131 pounds. I'm 5'4 and being 115 would be perfecto! I was content with being between 131-134, but wanted to lose another 15-20 pounds.
Here's the kicker....everytime I reached 131-132, I would sabotage myself, thinking I could risk eating a little bit more. I deserved that. You only live once! After, my weight would creep back up another 5 pounds. Ugh. What's up with the sabotaging? I really have to overcome that.
Since being back in Minnesota, all I've been doing is eating. I don't know why I'm surprised. Everytime I return, I gain weight. It's all because of mom's cooking. I'm not used to eating good homecookin' food. But before I returned, I was so sure of myself. I felt I was strong enough to resist all of the temptation. I took a red-eye flight to Minnesota, arriving at 6AM. Once I arrived at my mom's house, I took her car and went to Whole Foods to buy all the healthy food I needed. That went well for a few days. I hope you sense the sarcasm in that last sentence.
About two weeks ago, I discovered the Master Cleanser. And for about two weeks, I've been ATTEMPTING to start, which explains the quick weight gain. I would start, fail to temptation, then use it as an excuse to binge. Why not, since I was going to re-start the fast the following day. I might as well take advantage of it! Excuses. That's what it all is. EXCUSES!
I would do so well for most of the day. Then 2 or 3pm hits, and I go hog wild. My mind goes blank (literally, it's like blacking out), then my body takes control. I grab everything in sight and stuff it in my mouth. I find excuses in my mind, like "What? bad breath? bad body odor? I don't want that! Screw this fast!" Or "the weight is just going to come back anyway. I'll just eat healthy and lose the weight slowly." That's bull. After these excuses, I binge, then after I HATE MYSELF. My self-esteem is almost down to the floor. I am usually a social butterfly, wearing beautiful clothes, always partying, chatting with friends, meeting new people...men, etc. This week, nada. I'm a hermit in sweats. Unattractive. Screw this.
I am sick of feeling ugly mentally and physically. For the past month, I not only can tell the HUGE difference in the way I look, but I can also FEEL the change in my body. My thighs are rubbing together now. My back fat is bulging out. My rolls are hanging over my sweats. My ass is getting wider. When I go for a run, I FEEL the fat bouncing up and down. The only plus is that my boobs are bigger. yay! No. It's not a yay because that means the rest of my body is bigger. Yuck. I can no longer feel my muscles any more. It's all flab. If I hate feeling this way, why is it so hard to rectify the way I live and take care of myself? Why do I sabotage myself? These are the questions I only have the answer to.
What are my feelings towards food? I moved alot as a kid, every other year,hardly had any friends. Living with a single mother who was always working and a brother 7 years my senior, was lonely! I would come home from school and eat. Food was my best friend. Food understood was I was going through. Food was my comfort...my savior. Food is now my sabotager. It is my enemy now.
I have a picture of cousin and myself from 11 years ago. I was in the ninth grade...wow, I look so different compared to my cousin, who looks the same. I'm not exaggerating, either. That was the last time we were ever the same size...well, I was a few pounds heavier, but oh well. I weighed 105 back then, perhaps a little lighter in that photo. My cousin, on the other hand, looks the same and still weighs 100 pounds. Bitch. I now have the picture on my dresser. It will motivate my to get back down to that size.
Before the ninth grade, I don't think I had problems with food. Don't you ever have moments in your past that stick out more than others. I like to analyze the past, trying to figure out what moments molded me into the person I am today. The light bulb moment for me, regarding my weight issues, happened in the ninth grade in gym class. We had to weigh ourselves and compare our weight to the ridiculous chart. I weighed in at 107. My friend had the chart and exclaimed, "LINH, YOU'RE 3 POUNDS OVERWEIGHT." My heart sunk. From that point on, Food became my best friend.
I've rambled enough. Hopefully, this will help me to reach my goal. I will be starting tomorrow for sure and posting my stats in the morning. The time frame of this fast is unknown. I'm taking this one day at a time. Although, my goal is to do it for two days. After that I will decide. I just want to get over that hurdle first before deciding because I hear the first 3 days are a bitch. Tomorrow, I will post my plan of action...it is now 4:11am. I'm tired now.
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