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Terrifying Morning
Giving myself therapy for abandonment feelings.
Date: 8/3/2007 2:20:00 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 1315 times 1:24 PM
August 3, 07
Up from going deep,
laying down.
This is about remembering me.
this is what stands between me
and cleaning up my room right now.
This is something I need to go through.
This is something I can go through.
This is something I can survive.
Going to clean up the Space to the side of
my bed now.
I feel calmer.
This is not about running away from myself.
This is about coming home.
This is not about feeling down.
This is about cleaning up.
This is how I am feeling now.
I will not always how I will be feeling.
___
12:06 PM
August 3, 07
The morning is over.
It is a little beyond noon.
Shockwaves of abandonment
running through me today.
Part of the shock is how a person
going on 60 can feel such feelings.
It is demoralizing.
How am I suppose to summon the strength
to do projects this Fall when I am feeling like this?
I am looking at the fixes I use to get away
from this feeling.
It is a feeling that is deeply embedded in me.
Robert Lee Camp, who does a wonderful internet radio
show would say, embrace it. Embrace the feeling.
I see where I will do anything to get away from this feeling.
I will work.
I will use by mental skills.
I will create meaningful activity and
a lot of relationship with others,
but take away the outer anchors of Life Given
activity, and the meaningful work,
and here I am
as the Simon and Garf***le song went,
"Hello darkness my own friend."
It is easy for this feeling to get triggered.
I only seem to go so long in my relationship
with Twin Soul/Best Friend, before some th
aspect of her personality comes out that
wants space, as well as closeness of various kinds.
The moments when we are physically intimate
or in heart space sooth over this hole in me
where my Soul is held trapped below this stuck
emotion that from time to time resurfaces.
How do I get rid of this?
Robert Lee Camp speaks of his fear.
He says, he has stopped attempting to get rid of it.
He seeks Life Given ways to be intimate with it.
We all come in with a wound.
A wound is a growth pattern.
Rabbi Shlomo calls it being scratched.
It is natural for human beings.
It can be viewed as a way we deeply grow.
We can cleanse the wound.
We can become conscious of the wound,
and use it to raise our own consciousness
and be more loving to ourselves.
We can get away from the judgement that the word
itself implies something is wrong with us.
It is one more orifice the energy of the body has
to speak, to produce sensations of feeling
and propell us toward impedning aliveness.
Why would anyone choose a loving relationship
with a person who is sometimes unavailable?
I believe in a healthy relationship the Other person
will be unavailable at times.
I believe that we chose this because we are unavailable
for ourselves at times, and the mirror of the other
is merely pointing out an energy for us to love.
What is being Triggered is something inside of us.
Something that wants to be seen, heard, felt,
cleared; We may be able to clear the energy out
of the Space, but the hole where it lives,
I do not know if that hole will not be felt from
time to time to be cleared again.
Bless the hole. May it draw wholeness
through it from the Soul.
[More on the Soul here...
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=2552
Love, Love, Love,
to ourselves, and oh how great to
be able to be with others who will not shut us
out because we have very human feelings;
and at times will we imagine they are shutting us out,
when they are merely taking care of themselves,
no harm intended.
It's all about being responsible...being responsible
for our own lives, and how they can get through
difficult as well as pleasurable times.
___
Keep Thy Eye Single:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=1102&i=24
___
At the Dentist....
I need a Crown.
Can't be done until Wed.
No pain from broken tooth.
He is a very kind and generous
beautiful dentist who inherited
his practice from a 20 year old friend.
He is in intense happiness with his wife,
child, an another new born on the way.
He says his life could not be better.
He came in on his day off to give my tooth
a look see, but he will need his assistant
to work on it.
He is going to do this for the laboratory
costs. I am in grace again.
later...
going to rest,
then Do something Positive for myself...
1-working on side of bed; then,
2- Further Clear my Altar...in front of me...
vacuum.
Yes...have a nap, sweet, sweet man,
I love you. I am you.
RX
Show strength...find strength
through dipping into the reservoir of my soul.
Yes, Vacuuum....in here.
Take care of mess to the right of my bed....
after Altar....
that will be healthy.
____
Keep Thine Eye Single:
Art:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=2535
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