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Shock and Disbelief
Just got up from a healing treatment of accupuncture
needles and ran to the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine
Library down the hall to write this. I am the luckiest man
in the world because I have a dear friend--
and more than one--who is sticking around
long enough through their own fears so we
can both grow up. I wish you all the same grace.
Date: 1/17/2006 7:01:20 PM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 1483 times Tuesday
January 17, 2006
5:04 PM
San Diego, Ca
___
Shock,
Shock &
Disbelief--
Needles, Needles
in my shoulder and up and down
the Yin organ points of receiving
all through my shoulders,
feeling, feeling,
so much I am feeling lying face down.
I am feeling
like I can't count on the most important person
in my life outside of me--
Shaky, shaky, where is my ground of being?
me, me, I can count on me,
me, breathe, I can count on me
I can, can, count on me
I can
and we
WE must
we must
open to
Trust others
outside us
we must be able to count on them
let them in
to find a way that to not keep them out.
To much change, change,
too fast, too fast,
too fast,
It's O.K. to change your mind.
Yes, Yes, change is good--
I can accept you anyway you are.
Trust, Trust me. Please trust me.
Know I don't need you be any one way
when you say you will come here
to be here when you Say you will.
Your Word.
So important your Word
to keep it.
Hide, Hide, no more hiding
me no more hiding
Say, Say, I-we must have someone
we can count on that we can say
and they will not leave
they will stay because they need to trust
I need to trust
that they will not run away.
____
Deradune, I know this thing called Narcisistic Dysfunction.
John Bradshaw used to speak about it in his workshops
on developing a healthy inner relationship with our own inner
mothers and fathers and the inner child, as he called it.
There is a classic work he would teach...I do not remember
the name of the book. Look of Narcissistic Deprivation...
He would say that when a child is very little,
the most important thing in the babe's life is the gaze
of the mother, and that gaze must not leave,
even if the babe is making a mess in its diaper.
O.k I found the book..on the web....
it is by Alice Miller...see my other blog
called Narcissistic Deprivation...
For most of us, that is how narcissism develops.
We did not have the constant one true energy,
the Love that feels like it does not leave,
The could not see our reflection in the pond,
a very scary feeling.
and so we grow up depending on someone outside us
for our strength, and we have this limiting belief that they
will not stay, somehow, the one we let in, they will turn away.
This is why the partners do the kinds of things that
this former EX did, so hurtful to the one he would like
to love, so dear a woman you are.
We cannot blame them.
We can only love them
and love ourselves.
Then the whole world will be more whole.
So many of us have it.
It is only through sticking it out to keep loving
those who take the risk to love us.
I know this is not the party line, but it has
worked for me even though it is like riding
a bucking bronco to get beyond where we are rigid.
I accept her constanty for my own good
and for her own good.
The gratitude my come on earth, but
it is known in heaven.
This is hard I know to not make them wrong.
They are innocent. She is innocent. She is doing
as best she knows and it keeps getting better and better
and I keep getting healthier although it may not look like that
to my litte mind. Gratefully she will not leave
and more and more we are both learning to trust
and say what we need to say.
We are learning inch by inch not to
self abandon ourselves.
Sweet Woman,
I will not turn my gaze away.
I will be here for you because within me
is a source of endless strength as I
go into the Crack and through the Crack.
It is because you are You,
endlessly you, in all your own
disbelief that someone could possibly not turn away
that can accept you as you are
as you need to shift and change your mind
---that is O.K.--
but we can still keep the gaze
until we each re mem ber the strength
that is in each of us.
Amen
Amen.
your eg
I have a book that hopefully we come out again
called "Prayers to Mend the Heart."
In it there is an entry called
"Enjoy your co dependence while you still have it."
I have been going to a couple co dependent 12 step
groups lately. They begin by saying, "My name is
so and so, and I'm co dependent."
Tonight, I am going and I am going to read this
and I wlll, "My name is Leslie, and thank God
I am co-dependent.
I know that we are each compelled to outgrow
self abandoning. We are destined to be dependent,
independent, and interdependence.
It is evolution and it start here and now
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