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Yesterday did not turn out as Expected
Intention and Purpose for this Blog.. Accepting my life as it is.
Sharing Ideas for Growing our Lives in the Enchanted Garden. Garden Management Journal of steps lending energy to the creation of the 6th International Feng Shui Conference, San Diego, CA Aug 5-7, 2005
Date: 2/20/2005 12:41:15 PM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 1661 times I've made a decision
not to hold back anything.
I´have decided to tell everything I'm feeling,
not just the good stuff I´m feeling.
I´have decided to share myself, all of myself.
I can't hold back my self from giving
until what I have to give is all sweet and clean.
It´s the very act of giving that sweetens and cleans me.
from “Rekindling of Faith”
© 2005, Leslie Goldman
written in 1984
Yesterday did not turn out as I expected. I want to dedicate this first writing to JM, one of the few intimate friends I am feeling these days. JM listens. He is present. We live hundreds of miles away, but I appreciate very much the e-mails we have been sending to each other. He is a man who lives for health and healing, and speaking the truth.
I am feeling isolated these days. I am feeling like there are major challenges facing me, and also that through writing this blog I will feel less lonely, and meet more of you who are the JM's of the world, be you men as well as women. It is a sad thing to be given talents and feel you are not using them to the best of your ability. It is even worse to feel limited in your success because you have so many talents that you make a mess of your life. I would say the most important thing to me is Love, and the deepest expression of Love I know is when two people connect in Soul, Mind, Emotions, and Bodies. I am grateful that in this life of mine, I have had many of these experiences. I am also deep moved by feelings that I am getting old. There is a part of me that wonders if I will ever have that kind of intimate love again. Right now, I am focused on developing a conscious relationship with My Inner Lover. One of the most difficult things for me is having my immediate environment--my bedroom and adjoining office feel of clutter. I want to share that for more than three or more years, I have woken up each morning and glanced over at a bunch of boxes and clutter. For the life of me, I felt I did not have the capacity to do anything about that clutter. Since early December, I have had intense diarrhea. I have during this same time, made it my Love expression to go through things in my room. There is much more to do, but I want to celebrate with you that NOW when I wake up and look to that area near the window where the boxes used to be, it has pillows and some nice tapestries. I really want to celebrate this with you!!!! I have tried so hard to keep this area clear. Now it is clear. It feels so very good. It feels so very, very good. There are lots of other areas in my room that I would like to clear. One is the space in front of my main desk. It has books and photos that have been there for a long time. I would take time to clear it, but I am also in the middle of helping to organize an International Feng Shui Conference that will be held in San Diego August 5-7, '05. Yesterday I woke up with an incredible urge to leave my room and go celebrate my friend Rina's birthday in Los Angeles. Another option was staying in San Diego and attending a morning Jewish Renewal service with a visiting Rabbi I had met years ago. I knew it would have been uplifting. One think was absolutely clear: I was in a rare mood to get away. Another option, if I stayed in San Diego, and did not travel to Los Angeles, was attending a wonderful sweet Tantric Puja to be lead by Franciose Ginsburg. She creates a really sweet energy for a group. I have been so isolated, so taken aback by on going diarrhea for more than four months. It felt improved enough to go out. The other factor yesterday was torrential rain in the coast. I kept calling Rina and Dalya Mira in Seal Beach, half way there. Both reported breaks in the rain, but that the night before had been a deluge. It was not raining heavily here in San Diego, but I knew if I left, I would likely hit a lot of rain in route. The Enchanted Garden Mobile, my 68 VW van, is not much for winter traveling. I was not sure what I would do. Time kept ticking away. I big part of me wanted to go to LA. Most of my Jewish experiences bring up more pain than feelings of joy or community celebration. But that is another story I will write about....for the most part it is me, not it. In any case, as I was sitting here listening to weather reports, I got a phone call from Riki Newell, and extraordinary spiritual performing who I had last seen at the International New Age Trade Show in Denver last June. Riki had opened up an incredible opportunity for me to read YOUR CREATION, one of my Seven Love Cure poems on stage with him. It was an incredible experience. It opened up a great opportunity to be recorded by Etherean Music, an opportunity that will likely unfold in '06. The phone time with Riki was spirit inspired. After we spoke awhile, I realized that Riki would be a perfect addition to the International Feng Shui Conference I was helping make a success. Riki and Lorie, his wife, had a wonderful interchange over the phone and by e-mail. An hour later--after calling Roger Green, the conference organizer--is was pretty much set that Riki would be the musician for the Conference--leading a drum circle, giving a class on sound healing, and supporting me in my ceremony work where I would read poetry. By the time we finished talking, the trek to LA was still in my thoughts, but the timing was getting pretty close between the beginning of the party and the four hours of transit. I pretty much gave up on going. Calls to Rina and Dalya Mira indicated lots of rain potential. I surrendered to going to the very sweet Tantric Puja in San Diego. I still had some energy, although it was starting to deplete. In retrospect, it would have been best to just rest, but the energy from talking to Riki made me so high that I still had some creative juice. I gave it to creating a press release description for another special project I want to do for the conference--bringing locally grown organic food into the Hilton San Diego Resort. I wrote this up. Oh well, I may not have made it to Rina's, but I still had a great sweet evening here in San Diego. When I got up from writing, I did not realize my right leg was asleep. I starting walking on it toward the bathroom. I took about ten steps, then my foot buckled under me. I heard a snap. I wretched some bone or muscle in my right foot. I did not feel the pain at at once, but within two hours, I was limping. It was not going to be possible to get away. Anna, one of my house mates here in the Enchanted Garden Intentional Community was going to be my partner--at least so I could get in the gender balanced event. I had to tell her that I was not able to go. That evening we watched a bit of one of the Star Wars episodes. It was kind of a rare time. I hardly sit with her doing anything social. I ate some food she had made from earlier in the day--rice and a stir fry. At one point, I asked her how the machine worked that ran the DVD. She tried to tell me, but her voice was gruff. "Are you hard of hearing????" she said. It wasn't very sweet in tone, but that is normal for most communications between Anna and myself. Soon after, I retired to my room. I could hear Anna laughing with other guests who came by. I wanted to get up on the web the story about the Hilton; so I did that. I was concerned about the pain in my right foot. I was unsure if it was broken. When I woke this morning the pain has lessened somewhat. I kept taking Arnica Montana and rubbed it with Tea Tree Oil. Then I felt this incredible sadness about the day I had missed. I was so deeply in need of sweetness, the sweetness of human contact. I kept thinking--well I seized a day for creativity. I am sure that if I had not taken the time, and Riki had just left a message, the set up might not have happened. And then, the Hilton writing. I had done that. I can't do that kind of writing all the time. As the morning wore on this AM, I started to get some other creative ideas for what I wanted to put on the new website for the International Feng Shui Conference. I would put on some farmer photos. It is raining a bit now. I am a bit anxious to get going to our Sunday Farmers' Market. I am going to add a couple of images to the Feng Shui site. Writing this makes me feel a little less isolated, a little less sad.
Image Below:
Morning Glories from Patricia Bragg's garden. Photo
taken on the way to The International Feng Shui Conference
San Luis Obispo, August 2004.
Comments welcomed:
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