Blog: The Life of Me
by Autumn Daughter

I Lost My Virginity

Love love love and mistakes.

Date:   5/16/2014 12:04:20 AM   ( 8 y ) ... viewed 5081 times

Now- Just today, I committed a sin. Recently, I've been noticing my common sense is slowly slipping away. I used to say I'd never drink coffee since it was a drug and it really didn't help you at all, then I started to drink it.

I said I didn't want kids and never would have them- now I'm considering it.

I said I wouldn't have sex until marriage- but I disobeyed.

Physical contact or attraction does not come easily to me. In fact, I really didn't feel any different after I had it with him. He's my second boyfriend out of my entire life. The first one- well, I was horrible to. I didn't like him, but I was tired of "friend zoning" people and hurting people, being called "The Heartbreaker", So I said yes to him when he asked me out. Of course it lasted about a semester, then I couldn't take it anymore, I realized that I only hurt someone beyond what's humane; I'll never make that mistake again.

But I fell head over heels- like love at first sight with a guy in one of my classes. We've been together for 5 1/2 months and we are inseparable. When I first met him though, the topic of sex came up with a couple of my friends, and their friend- was the one I loved, who was also in the conversation.
I said,"Doing it creates children. If you're not ready for children, don't do it."

My love (weren't together at the time) said,"Exactly!"

We understood each other. We both had that common knowledge. He was not a virgin though, and had been pressured by his first girlfriend (the only one before myself) into doing it.

Today though, he asked,"Would you like to try it?" We were both very aroused and never did anything oral before, but did other things and I nodded. I NODDED. He kept asking as we began,"Are you sure? Do you want to keep going?" He had protection, and I'm on birth control (Not for controlling the babies, but from keeping me from having a period due to the fact I have WW2 periods.)

I was a virgin, it hurt. I was small, he was huge, it HURT. I didn't feel anything afterwards morally/emotionally. It wasn't that nice. Where has my common knowledge gone? Where did his go?

You may say,"Slut! Whore!" But I've never loved or cared for someone so much in my life. I committed a sin, and I cried in front of him afterwards- a few shed tears which he wiped away, asking if I was okay.

My fear was that this would happen when we started dating. I was scared we would do it, he would get his fill- then lose interest and go away. Or I would fall deeply in love- physically, and if he left me for a college girl I would be utterly shattered. I wonder what he thinks of it really. I lost my purity, I'm ashamed of myself- I want to ask forgiveness from God but in truth- I can't even forgive myself.

If we last and get married (which we're both planning to do with all our efforts) I will be "alright" with what I did. But if he leaves, or finds someone else- I'm going to hurt. We became one and if I'm torn from him- which can easily happen since we're not bound by marriage...I will be lost. That is why I am ashamed. I destroyed a temple that God has blessed me with, I have become a hypocrite. Scolding girls and boys going out and committing adultery then going out and doing it myself! I do not feel obliged to confess to anyone but The Lord.

I know I will always keep my christianity though, for that is my main life basis. I strayed, I felt, I learned. My only difficulty is though- he might ask me again- and I'm afraid to suddenly reject him of pleasures that I once agreed to. But hopefully he will not ask, and he will live up to his belief of waiting till marriage. It has obviously been broken, but I do not wish for his view of my belief stability or self-worth to be utterly demolished, and I would like him to not try anything more until we're married. I will probably stray again if the time comes with him. Which is why I pray to God to forgive me, and to bring my lover to Him. For I do not want to commit another love sin, being unequally yolked when we marry.

This is just my confession. I need to put it down, I have to. It brings me inner peace that I have accepted and confronted my sin, praying for forgiveness. What I did was WRONG. To all you out there who are thinking of having sex or think it's okay with the right person- please...save yourself now. Say that word that's so hard to say- the word "No." SAY IT. Do not succumb to the feelings of love and hoping that "becoming one" will bond you together. Sure, I feel physically with him- because he has my virginity, but it doesn't change or help anything in the long run. What if I get pregnant? What if you got pregnant?

To be honest, I was shocked he asked me. I should've asked him if he wanted to. I was surprised by his protection that he whipped out from his bedroom- I was surprised he OWNED ONE.

Anyhow, I don't regret it. Not because it "felt good" (It didn't) or because I was "one with him" (Didn't feel any different) But because I have made my mistake and regretting something won't time travel you back and fix it. Sorry. So I will say this-

I'm going to work hard and pray. I'm going to work hard to keep the relationship strong with my lover so that we may get married and not commit adultery. So that we may raise a family and be happy about our future, not regretting of our past.

If any girls or boys are reading this- you better know now, that you have no excuse. I tried the excuses, I tried to know why I didn't say no. It's because- I don't know. I know what is right and wrong, but I don't know WHEN those right and wrongs are right and wrong.

So dear teens, dear husbands and wives- Don't cheat. Don't go out and have affairs, don't mess around with people. Their body belongs to them, do not misuse it for what it is meant for.

Marriage is not just papers and a grand wedding. Marriage is the commitment of two people to each other. The vows of,"I love you" that carry true, strong meaning, can be counted as marriage. Marriage is not two rings, each put on the partner's finger. Marriage is the dedication and right of ownership to someone. That is my excuse. I love him. I feel married to him. Which is why, I feel no guilt- yet I mourn for my sins, knowing that in God's eyes, they are probably wrong- and I prevented a life from being born, misusing God's glorious gift to me to bear children. I took what I wanted, and left the things I didn't want- out of the picture. I took the m&m's out of the trail mix and ignored the raisins- which comes with it. That's a waste of trail mix.

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