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Seeing Things I do not Want to See
Seeing Things this Morning I do not Want to See
Date: 2/3/2014 10:05:59 AM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 1112 times
Seeing Things this Morning I do not Want to See
I am seeing things this morning I do not want to see. I am writing about things I do not want to write about.
My first 30 minutes at Madre Grande Monastary Saturday were filled with deep emotion. It was the Memorial for John Drais, the founder of the vision that held the this 264 acre mountain top land together for many years, decades.
I felt gratitude that he had done so well. He had an iron fisted personality that claimed authority in a context of Loving Kindness. Now that is a combination. There were also many others who helped make the dream possible. He was a man who lived in many worlds.
Many people spoke at his Memorial. Many shared the about the love they had received, Others who came, did not speak, They hadn't left living on the land on good terms. There were blow out fights, or breakdowns and John won. I was so glad to see them here.
I was weeping for myself.
I live with seven others. I am not sure I have it in me to continue to manage the lives of so many, when so many here do not seem able to take care of themselves without the sacrifice of another human life. I imagine this could be a full time job, but I have other full time jobs.
8:04 am
February 3, 2014
Mercury Retrograde
NIGHT MARE ON TOP OF WAKING NIGHTMARE
I had a horrible scary nightmare earlier this morning, not long before I realized dawn was coming. The nightmare was a piggy back of a waking nightmare that I could not suppress deep enough yesterday afternoon when I returned from the Farmers' Market.
First the nightmare:
I was surrounded by a couple friends. One was a woman, likely a deep ally I trusted very much. There are a number of those Amatra Barbara May types in my life.
There was also a man in the dream who I do not dream of very much. He was a major ally, but we had a parting of the ways. I was very happy he showed up on our land at a time when i needed support.
I was working with a pad eliminating files on my computer. i was pre-occupied in my work.
Then, out of no where, about seven strangers showed up around me. They looked like unruly hippies, maybe pirate types. One seemed to be the leader and asked for hospitality.
I immediately put on a positive front and said yes, without asking too many questions.
It was not clear what they would exchange for being on the land. I did not want to confront. I did not want to say no, concerned about possible consequences.
Then, they went off, and I started to beat myself up. They could have
gone to scope out the valuables on our property or in the house.
This was typical of the weak side of my personality. I say "yes" too many times, and get myself into messes.
I am not like John Drais, The John Drais I project perhaps from my own head. I really never got that close to him while he was in the body. Our meetings were cordial, and mutually respectful.
I knew that he had numbers of battles over the years, some recently with neighbors. In the early days, the land had some kind of balloon payment toward the end. I knew this was an issue, but I also remember that they had paid off the debt and owned the land outright numbers of years ago. Then other issues came up, such as difficulty with easements and roads, and problems with the County and imposed restrictions about buildings.
There had been a tremendous fire some years ago, and the flow of guests I understood to be restricted by the monastic order that controlled the place.
In my dream, I realized, that my place did not even have keys to the doors.
It felt very vulnerable to intruders.
They on top of this is was managed by a man who did not have a strong "No," and who was pre-occupied with his outer work.
Now suddenly, in this time of for many of us in the world that can only be called "Re-invention" I have been perseverating over too much on my plate.
Extreme challenges are on my plate for the house; other challenges are on my other plate for the work I want to do in the world.
I told a friend yesterday at the Farmers' Market. I am not sure I have what it takes to do the work I have to do in the world. I feel shaky very often when I go out into the world lately.
I can sustain inspiration when my fingers are at this keyboard. I can get quite high with clarity and ingiths, but when I leave this tiny place, a different mindset sets in. I am scared.
Often I wake up scared here or very uncomfortable.
I have to work out what I am feeling (as I am now), until I regain some sense of sane ability to see through my difficulty.
8:27 am
I have to leave soon to go to Mike's to get a few things checked out on the EG Mobile. I have to be there by 9 am.
SOMETHING POSITIVE TO SAY
The most positive thing I can say right now is remembering that Judith, my friend and counsel, said, I have the strength now to make the needed shifts that are in front of me.
I have to repeat that, and believe that.
WAKING NIGHT MARE
Last month was one of the most difficult months to pay the mortgage and the bills. I was waiting many weeks into the month to finally cover the expenses. There were many experiences with too many of the housemates.
I want this month to be easier. It started a bit easier, but then one snag so far, and more possibly.
THEN YESTERDAY
I came home. I was looking at all the extremely dry plants.
I was looking at the disorder and things of general maintenance that needed to be done.
I started to inventory who was doing their extra hours in exchange for lower rents.
The list of those who were not doing these jobs were as many as those who were. I was starting to beat myself up.
I am grateful for all the time I have had to work on my projects in the world, and yet I am in a mess here.
MOST GRATEFUL
I am most grateful that I have had some volunteer help on a major project that is now complete. This was a dicey arrangement, but it is now complete.
We have rain gutters successfully installed, and an improved front foundation to the house.
The day that I started to write about John Drais, Jan. 30, the rain gutters were finished! It started to drizzle that night.
Saturday, at Madre Grande, I brought up seeds and I called for rain. It was warm when the day began and tremendous rain clouds came up from Mexico by the time of day that we left.
There were some large rain drops.
Then, yesterday, I was looking at the dryness of our plants, and coming into awareness about my flaws. Last night, we had a tremendous cooperation from Nature. It had the best rain of the year!
Someone is listening, and I am listening to something bigger than I am,
The Force of Nature.
I need to go now.
8:38 am
I need to move stronger at finishing a few things that are on my plate today. I need to trust. I need to find a way to continue my Rekindling of Faith Journey.
I need to remember I am not the only one being challenged now, and called to re-invent.
Leslie
10:28 am
I am back from Mike's Foreign. We scoped out what needs to be done to fix the EG Mobile. He will call me later when he gets the parts. I will need a ride down there to do the fix.
We had a good rain last night. The buckets that are part of the new rain water collection are mostly filled. One needs an adjustment in where the hole is located. I have been working consciously, as with many others.
I took pictures of the clouds. I am remembering a good video clip I made with Marlowe, one of the residents who returned to Madre Grande. I am sad that I cannot find that one clip! It appears I was not in Video Mode.
The rain clouds were very present as I was talking to Marlowe through my Camera. I asked her how much we should charge the Gov of California for bringing the rain. That is a job worth doing. Good employment.
I stated an intention that we could bring more rain when I spoke at Madre Grande.
I WANT TO PAY THE RENT TODAY AND DO SOME PRACTICAL THINGS
Call R. Has he the funds now?
It WOULD BE GOOD TO SEND THE PURIST IN TODAY
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