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Another Vicodin Now, discouraging....
Another Vicodin Now, discouraging....
Strange Sunday Morning Experience...I feel at the end of my human
energy in some ways. I am not sure if I have what it takes to go on and
deal with what is in front of me.
Date: 7/6/2013 1:10:09 PM ( 11 y ) ... viewed 637 times Another Vicodin Now, discouraging....
11:09 am
July 6, 2013
Another Vicodin now...
this is discouraging to me.
Evening...Took Vicodin Dose #?
Did not record this....the time...
entered in the morning of Sunday July 7, 2013
SUNDAY, JULY 7, 2013
734 am
Took Victodin Dose #? Morning.
Depression feelings continue.
everyone is telling me don't be so hard on myself.
They are telling me the the purpose of now is to mend.
Al the things I have not done....
the messes are on my mind, but I do not have the energy
to clean them up.
I need to stop claiming this and just do some cleanup.
The stuck energy is bothering me a lot.
7:37 am
FM Day. I am concerned that I do not have much energy to give,
just get food,
VICODINE EVENING
9:04 pm
Some sensitivity...
Made some progress with money numbers.
Mild victory.
Then ate.. issues of pressure that brought this on.
Concerned about the future and the resolution.
___
Strange Morning Experience
Having difficulty getting out of bed.
My spirit is not with me.
I am very depressed with way I am managing my time now as I wait
for the stent to be taken out on Wednesday.
I imagine that if I could use my time wisely now, this would be important.
I see a box in my mind under the desk with my eyes clothed.
I want to go through this box. I want to make an effort to clear one little bit of stuff that represents the equivalent of the stone that was stuck inside me, the stone the doctor removed.
I am feeling discouraged. Nadine and I decided to watch a movie last night before bed. It was very violent. in some sense, it shocked me for a moment out of my own shock to see how much I would like to make progress clearing some things in my space.
I have been laying in bed for the longest time this morning. It is now 9:31 am, July 7, 2013.
There is a part of me that has reached the end of my human will to keep going.
I summon the energy to to seize this one box that I see in my mind's eye.
I bring it to my bed and start to go through the papers.
There is an address in in handwritten from a childhood comrade, whose
parents befriended my own family.
I go to my computer and want to make sure I have this address i the data bank.
Then, I go to my emails.
There is an email from the person whose address I was about to type in.
I have not had any correspondence from them since we talked months ago.
The email says;
On Jul 6, 2013, at 11:09 PM, bmoore wrote:
HI Leslie. Hope things are going well... I finally found the pictures I was telling you about... Let me know what you think
Brian
what are the possibilities of this happening like this? To go for that box, find this data, go to my email, and find an email from the person I had in my mind?
When was that email sent?
Last night at 11:09 pm.
What is the meaning of this?
I am questioning if I have what it takes to go on, and if I want to go on.
It would take years to go through and catch up on all the things I have
set aside.
Is there any meaning in the content of these photos?
One shows a picture of me as a child dressed up for halloween.
I am wearing a skeleton costume.
I do not know. I do not know what forces are acting in my life and the meaning of this.
Here is the photos that Brian sent:
photos from childhood, what does this mean? They arrived on a morning when I was discouraged and not feeling I had the energy to go on. i struggled to get out of bed to at least cleanup up one piece of paper. I find of the address of a childhood friend, and then there was an email from that person that arrived last night.
Email to Maurice
On Jul 7, 2013, at 10:09 AM, Leslie Goldman wrote:
Maurice,
I had a kidney stone removed last Wednesday and I have been laying around a lot since. This morning I was going through a box of papers and found the handwritten address of Brian. Then, I went to my email and found this email from Brian.
He gave me your email.
Last night, I was watching a film called Inglorious Bastards. It is an alternative history make believe of how a band of Jews killed Hitler.
You know, you were the person who first showed me those marks on a wrist from the camps.
I am feeling very discouraged this morning. Life feels fragile.
I am glad that you are still alive here.
You always showed to be a powerful will to live and a resilience.
Sending you many blessings,
Leslie
Here is something I wrote about the experience this morning.
http://curezone.com/blogs/fm.asp?i=2081331
FROM LURRAE TODAY
July 6, 2013
I sent her the photo above.
This was her response.
Lurrae is one of my best friends..
On Jul 7, 2013, at 1:30 PM, Lurrae Lupone wrote:
Leslie,
These pictures came as a reminder that THIS is your core self.
The original seed with all it's beauty and power and potential.
Like the seed, you need more water, more sunshine, more exercise.
Get up and take a mosey around the neighborhood or around you house
and look at the beauty that has sustained you.
Turn your face to the sun.
Weep if you are feeling sad. It's ok.
Tomorrow will be a better day and after wednesday all will be improving.
Remember, you are a human being and you have to keep your machine healthy.
You are not the box outside of yourself that needs cleaning out.
You are the body that holds your life and potential.
Time to create more rituals of drinking water and exercise, then come back to the computer.
All this has happened for a reason to get you back on a healthier you track.
Be a track star.
Keep track of your water and exercise the same way you are keeping track of the vicodin.
Love you.
Lurrae
Love you.
Here's a picture that came to me recently.. Might put a smile on your face.
Taken when I was 51.. almost 20 years ago while in Costa Rica.
The gardener came on a Sunday with his wife and the live chicken.
It was plucked and added to the beans and rice.
The Life Connection Article on Wheat Came Out: in the online july issue
http://lifeconnectionmagazine.com/wheat-is-coming-home-to-haunt-us-and-inspir...
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