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Journal Entry Pacific Symposium 2011--Thursday night
Journal Entry Pacific Symposium 2011--Thursday night
Date: 11/4/2011 1:29:46 AM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 1190 times
This is a journal entry of feelings and processing with a friend who calls herself a student.
Writing this out gave me a chance to process some feelings about the Pac Sym.
I am sharing this personal blog of inner thoughts, insights, and feelings.
I am writing to a friend who say she would show up but did not;
Leslie
11:27 pm
November 3, 2011
I am in good shape to do what I need to do,
except for some paper work that I might have asked you to to help me with yesterday that I still have to do.
When I am in that environment it is an amazing healing space where I gear up to integrate from the year and take time to fine tune my game for the next year.
I have build up a massive amount of support over the years and refined a formula that I am on the verge of refining more.
Very good to be around professionals for four or more days who have spend a ton of time focusing a healing gift to produce a result.
I wore my new outfit today, the white shits with this tie and special little ornaments so to speak from my East Coast tour, and right now 10:01 am at night
I have been up a number of nights till 3 am attempting to prep for this one while tending to two other massive responsibilities at home, the need to fill vacancies
and address the "demands" of the fire department, and the full time job of fielding the energy of one particular housemate that actually stood physically in the way of the shredding last Sunday and caused a work stoppage.
I like this event that I do once a year because it forces me to remember the rules of getting organized to receive which is a while different game that giving that I am so good at doing in situaltions like this.
In rare times I have had moments where I can partner with others at this high vibe level of manifestation that has taken me years to refine the game.
I do not remember the rules because I cannot apply them at home where there are so many other karmatic relationships and patterns that come up when you take on living with others.
During "showtime" It can be upsetting to others who I work with because I know the plan and there is also a lot of surrender to be in the leadership role of directing
as well as needed to count on others to show up so I can have the opportunity to be organized enough down to the detail of knowing where the stapler is exactly because even one little displaced thing like that can throw off the ability to receive.
This year is so different because I am being fenced into a small exhibit space and will not do the closing ceremony on Sunday as has been a tradition for many years in this Symposium, but it is an amazing thing to adapt and shift and be forced to do less.
It is still amazing to see how many people know me from this once a year gig and have bought things from me in the past.
Iti s also amazing to watch my inner process because I was thinking a lot of people would have missed the massive Enchanted Garden Installation that truly took five to eight people to set up well and then tear down.
Once it was up, because so many helped in different ways, I could step into the space and be an authentic Enchanted Gardener functional on all four gears and in all four worlds. It is a true amazement to plant dreams for others and hear that they have benefited, but that was not really something that I charged for doing in this environment. I did graduate to being a national voice in agriculture and my niche on the internet will continue ot grow and I will refine my game learning to pull in sponsors.
This is a place where if I rest tonight and go in with any bit of energy tomorrow, and I will where I can manifest $2000.00 or more. I really need a payday now. I was not in any shape organized to receive back east very well and in LA, just giving. Lurrae who has worked with me before did this because she wanted to. That meant picking me up in New York, taking me to CT, and then to Washington and Virginia, etc.,plus being with me 7/24 aa as ahirt washer, ironer, purchasing of pants, shoes, making sure I was groomed property, handler to make sure I was identifying plan A, B, and C, being the driver, being the one who picked up the tab for gas, going hundreds of miles to buy the right food I needed, the water, etc, etc.--and doing all that because she wanted to and got value from doing that.
THE VALUE I AM RECEIVING FROM YOU NOW
The value I am receiving from you now is invaluable, Cara. We are the same card in Robert Camp's Love Card Deck that tells attraction, intensity, and compatability. This woman who could possibly move in in December is also the same card as we are. She is a master at Feng Shui and that would be exactly what I need now to take another massive leap forward just to live with her here.
She is the partner of Sanda, the main owner of this place.
We are truly in an amazing time to be alive, and It feels good now to be propelled forward to serve and use the talents I have and see all the mistakes I make that include drawing in others who are not healthy and living with them and not knowing out to get out of that but having to learn so I can survive and thrive here.
There has been a clean out going on here and if I graduate into being an adult I will graduate from some of the mistakes that I have made before which I sense are the same kind of mistakes you made with your former partner at the Hive.
Just being able to write this out now is a gift, even if you really do not have time or inclination to read this.
I do know that you are a gift and you have a lovely potentilal.
I like to watch your process even though I imagine to some extend you know part of it is BS.
I am not saying that in any way to harm or blame, just to have the courage to see my own process and to learn from it and what I have to do.
THE STRENGTH BETWEEN US
The strength between us will be possibly growing into being good witnesses for each other and touching in from time to time responsibly.
I will speak to some of the things you brought up here and tell you how is is for me.
On Nov 3, 2011, at 6:18 PM, C wrote:
Awesome! WOW! Amazing. Yes, you do see and seed success for super ripe people and their dreams.
Thank you. I am a mixed bag of things and highs and lows, but ultimately a man on a mission who gets a lot of help from the universe, a lot of love from people who see what I am about, and a lot of others who project their own stuff on me because they do not know what to make of me. Sometimes I do not know what to make of me. It is not easy being a human being. It is so beautiful as well and I have had a good run at love and intimacy and the opportunity to learn from men who were great friends and from so many good women who shared deeply with me.
I have learned so much from women who I have loved and allowed this.
You have been doing that with me for a long time now. Again, I am sorry for letting you down and disappointing you.
Yes, I let you in. That is my stuff to be disappointed yesterday. I just said it because it was in my energy field and I did not want to baby you by withholding my own feelings.
I know you were really looking forward to my being your assistant this weekend.
That was for business reasons as well as the possibility that I imagined you could benefit from this opportunity and show up as an adult.
It was something that I thought was possible because I know you have in in you to show up.
You showed up and saved my ass last year at the Pac Sym set up and I will never forget that.
You and Shakti were amazing. You were life savers, and a number of others did not show up as planned last year. I was shorthanded last year and as a result I did too much myself. I was cranky and that is why I was seemingly demoted this year form last. I was coarse and not smooth. I offended many people last year and they made mention of it. I take full responsibility for what I did last year and my lack of grace and organization.
Please forgive me.
Of course I forgive you.
I am basically love, and just interacting with you is a special privilege, and I do have love for you and want to succeed. That is my nature to love.
Please, forgive me also, for trying to project any of my irresponsibility onto you.
I do not know what this this means. Maybe you can teach me about what you mean. I am innocent in many ways and do not get everything.
Fill me in if you want what do you mean by this last sentence?
You have been a teacher to me, in many ways, and I don't need to be your favorite student.
I don't really care if you are my favorite student Cara. You are just Cara, and I accept you as you are.
I do accept you as you are, and that means giving you lots of room to grow and now hold on to stuff.
I do not have time to hold on. I can make $2000.00 if I am sharp enough to hear and learn fast.
I learned a lot today, and it would not have helped having you here except for the set up at five.
Yesterday I needed you for a couple hours and if that happened I would likely have made a lot more money today because I was very tired.
I was counting on you to keep your word yesterday and last Sunday and that translates into $$$$ when people give their word but cannot keep it,
especially when you need real time help.
Hopefully, I too can be a teacher to you.
Yes, you can. I will let you know when I learn something from you and I will be specific to thank you.
Please trust that all is unfolding just as it is divinely meant to.
Yes it is. This is a tennis match of life and the strong and creative survive and thrive.
It takes profound awareness, skill, and flexibility to do what is being asked and I love the support. The whole universe wants me to win and be successful at what I am taking on. They know I need actions like Lurrae did.
Please trust that we can allow life to unfold as it does -
Sometimes I do, but I am person of high intention. I love watching when I am doing deep listening as to what to do next and they I have the will to do it.
Sometimes I win, so to speak, and it is exciting to be in magic and have things show up as they do.
even when it doesn't unfold according to our plans or desires.
Yes, I do this often, especially when the universe is showing me I am spot on.
Like today, I wanted to connect with Goyo to get food at PCOM. I drove in exactly when he arrived. Ten minutes later, I would have missed the timing.
Please know that I am 100% committed to this Earth - our #1 Enchanted Garden -
That is powerful C. That will get you to go far.
and that I am working with that all you've shared with me in order to manifest for all of US -
That is good, Cara. I take you at your word. I know you believe this.
The US is an amazing growth pattern. That is where the Joshua Tree fits in. We have to be an I, very strong in relationship to others to be an US.
I love the US, expecially when I have the opportunity to co-create an Echanted Garden Installation, a moment in time when all four worlds of creation come together and $$$ can show up to show me I am doing well in the game of life.
including you.
I am glad you include me.
And to get to the next place of mastery, you need to bring things down to earth and take care of business. I do not do that welll now because my achilles heel is doing so much, and not taking time to clean up for many reasons including fears of not trusting...and then, I do trust and get some brownie points.
Please know that my actions are not personal and that I will show up when I can.
You mentioned today some stuff you had about showing up at the house. The house is a mirror for all I have yet to learn and have learned. I have created this in all its beauty and all its insanity. The insanity is my own showing up, and gratefully I surrender and do trust the unfoldment a lot here.
Please know that my decisions now are for the highest good of WE...
Yes, they are in the highest good of WE in the abstract. The WE that gets orgasmic is when we find players who will play with us, commit to them, communicate when you can't show up really well, and give our team enough info so they can adjust and find other players when we can't do what we say we will do. There were a couple times in the last week, where a little one minute call or a bit more info was all that was needed. This takes learning to get that one. I was late 30 minutes with Mariah yesterday and he was upset.
Thank you,
Thank you too, and thank you for allowing me to do this journal check in.with you.
Had some amazing seeds I planted today that can help the farmers and others.
Will trust I can follow up as needed. Will rest now and get there early and take care of myself.
I felt you took care of yourself when you went to the mountains. I am glad you did that.
Leslie
On Thu, Nov 3, 2011 at 4:00 PM, Leslie Goldman wrote:
Anna decides $20.00 3:58 pm nov 3
Leslie Goldman, Your Enchanted Gardener, sees and seeds success for super ripe people and their dreams.
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