compassion by #94544 Blog entry

Blog: Extreme Change: Raw Food - 3 month challenge.
by #94544

compassion

Thank you, God.

Date: 2/23/2010 8:22:34 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 2453 times

I must remember that how I treat people really has nothing to do with who they are and everything to do with who I am. I found myself feeling like a victim today and so much wanted to lash out in anger or bring up an action that I felt slighted me. I was able to just go inward and ask God to help me get quiet. I prayed and just pulled my focus on my core and asked God to keep me quiet. I asked God to help me remember that the disturbance is about me and not them. I asked God to help me just nurture myself in that moment, to remember that this journey is about me and my relationship with Him. It is not about others and what they do, say or think. That is not reality to me. I bring myself back to what I say on my snow shoe treks. I take the inventory of what is around, of my body, of my breath and I tell myself "the snow is real," "my legs are real," "the sky is real," "the air is real,". That way, all else - all slights, all resentment, all opinions, all of my projections of how others are 'doing me wrong' somehow are put in their true light and where it all stands in my life. It all comes back to "what's real right now?".

It doesn't matter who is in the room, who hates me, who even wishes me dead - that's no longer what my life is about. My life is about my relationship with God. I am God's ambassador in this life. Okay God, why am I here? What is the next right thing? What should my focus be in this moment? How can I just be your representative in this moment?

I sometimes send light to others as I sit or stand in their presence when my opinions and fears rear their twisted little heads. Sometimes when I'm really insecure I imagine I have huge, white wings. One wing coming out of each scapula in my back. They crest well over the top of my head and they are much longer than I am tall. They expand outward when I imagine that I am stretching them as I would my arms when I am tired. They must stretch 6-8 feet out on each side. I sometimes imagine them around me like a very large blanket and they protect me and keep me warm. I can dream today.

I have given ALL of my power to other human beings. That is not entirely true. I thought my power was given to me by other human beings, I thought they granted me the right to be who I am, I thought their opinion of me was who I really am, I thought if all others said "No!", then "No!" it is. Truth seems to be that without knowing it, really really knowing it - other human beings act like they want me dead.

I no longer take the callousness of others to heart. I have God now. I can love and be vulnerable with God holding my hand. I can be vulnerable, I can be who I am and even be harshly criticized and even hated (ex #2) - and I can still be unscathed and vulnerable. I don't put myself in front of these people and interact with them. I also do not wither away and refuse to shine if they're in the room. I grow, I expand, I get well, I love, I am. That is God's decision for me and it is no longer determined by another's resentment toward me. I already tried to will myself to die years ago when ex #1 replaced me with another woman then tried to take my son away from me. I thought he was right, I had no power to fight him, I was a coward.

I ask no one's permission to live anymore. I ask no one to approve of me anymore. I ask only God through my faithful acts how I am doing. That is my score card.

It would be nice to be understood, truly forgiven and cared for, truly loved. It is okay that I am not.

My only job is to be God's exquisite Creation. That's it. Exquisite. Now there's a word for you.

Now, it IS my job to treat others as I would like to be treated, to forgive others the way I would like to be forgiven, to recognize the beauty in others when they can't see it in themselves. I must not forget this.

:)

Thank you, God. For being there when I finally stopped fighting. Thank you.