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Hoarding Tendencies
in process....
writing about my hoardng tendencies
Date: 10/5/2009 1:14:51 PM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 2583 times
10:32 AM
October 5, 09
I feel so much better when I have a clean desk,
but this is seldom the case.
I just tossed most of the things on my desk into a small
container. I will go through it later.
There is one big stagnant old computer on my desk as well,
an enormous old Mac that I brought up from the basement
as part of our cleanup.
I actually opened it up once and was able to see the data.
I would like to get that machine out of here.
I was not able to print or see some of this data on
my other more recent computers.
I would like to spend more time seeing if I can.
Last night before going to bed.
I watched a very meaningful program on TLC on
hoarding. It traced the life of two women and their families
who had hoarding issues.
Looking at this film shocked me.
This is how my father's apartment looked last summer when
I spend about a week up there working with my niece EVA to
clean it up. I ran across what appeared to be every piece of paper I had sent my father. He does not throw out hardly anything including tissue
paper. The apartment was layered with mounds of things
as they appeared in this hoarding program I watched last night.
The most disturbing part of the show that stayed with me
through the night, was that I have many of these tendencies
myself.
There were a number of bullseye insights that the program
gave about the nature of hoarding.
People who hoard make up very unique ideas about
why something is valuable to them.
I do this all the time.
Here is a little button that I got from the Greenops people.
It represents in my head my relationship with the project.
If I would throw out the button, I am throwing out the relationship.
There are many books I have saved.
I tossed out a bunch that were ruined from being left
outside on shelves since the cleanup last year.
I have many more books. The idea of having a significant
library felt secure. I have saved many of my old literature books
from college days back in the 60's. Some of those went into the trash.
Others were given away.
I have lived in the same house since the early 70's.
I have saved many papers, as far back as early days of my life.
I imagine if George Washington saved his papers,
someone today would care.
I imagine that I have lived my life as some kind of historic figure
and many of my papers deserve to be archived.
I had a very difficult time throwing out old photographs
during a week of my summer cleanup.
I struggled with wanting to send some of these old photos
to the organizations depicted. One responded and said
they had too many more recent photos than to care.
Some of the photos were so compelling that the had
me spending time on the internet attempting to locate the
person.
I began running into photos of old sweethearts.
I thought I would save them in a special collection.
I couple of these women would never remember they had
even known me.
I have not left much room for new relationship.
I have been holding on to the old, even if the old
have not really fulfilled many of the needs that are
currently alive in me.
This hoarding film spoke about one woman who had
an empty nest syndrome.
She filled the space with old memories to the point
where she or her husband could not enter the space.
There was no room for them to even eat together at
a dinner table--too much clutter.
Oh my God! I have been struggling with some areas
of my bedroom that have not changed for months and months.
There is no room for my current life.
When I get into these old things, the energy comes alive again.
I hardly remember what it was I was doing currently
before I became consumed by the past papers.
Some of these old papers seem so very important.
Here are feedbacks from a performance I did
at the Mandala Conference in 1980 or so. They have
checkmarks of what each person said. The Mandala
conference was one of the birthplaces of the Holistic Health
movement. That is where I had my first Enchanted Gardens,
enormous displays of plants and healing environments.
A very significant healing energy is created when
these installations are created. They are made with the help
of a team. I step into the space and become a different
person. Every time I created an installation or attended
a conference or expo, I created a notebook. I saved
many of the original feedbacks and contact info.
Each time I would have a meaningful encounter, I would
ask the person to handwrite a note.
Then, I often backed these experiences up with photos.
The notebooks of photos are tremendously large.
The boxes of photos are enormous.
I have a current notebook with likely every note or card
or handwritten message sent to be my most recent closest
relationship.
I have financial data for years, old bank statements, etc.
The last month of the summer it was swelteringly hot here.
I had hardly no energy whatsoever. The energy I had
I forced myself to put into clearing some of my boxes.
When my last lover/friend stopped coming here to visit,
my room became more unmanageable. Many boxes right
in my office, and too many things in the bedroom. There
were weeks where the woman's side of my bed were covered
with unruly papers. There would have been no space for
an new love to enter.
It is emotional to look at some of this now and brings up
embarrassment among other feelings.
It is difficult when I see that I truly have issues,
some inspired by deep loneliness. I would often go out
to use my talents to satisfy unmet needs, but never have
I truly achieved the success that comes from focusing on
one project from top to bottom to the point of a fulfilled
harvest.
I have many books that never went to the point
of bearing fruit. A lot of that changed in 09.
I was able to focus on a few things and success came.
At the same time, I was not paying attention to my
health. I was not paying attention to financial details.
I did not pay attention to many issues at home that were the most difficult.
This also hurt my health.
My experience of the last month was a turnaround.
I went from feeling dead in August to regaining a sense
of renewal in September.
I hardly had the energy to summon for three outings
that I do on a regular basis, the WHOLE BEING WEEKEND,
and the Jewish High Holidays. I found a way to go,
and in spite of persistent diarrhea lasting more than a year
this time around, I have incredible healing experiences
and was able to give a lot of love and receive a lot of loving
appreciation.
So here I am, renewed in many respects.
I am definitely into a new year.
This is the harvest week of the Holiday called
Succot.
6:30 PM
Spent the day on the Old Performa6200 CD that
has been on my desk for months. Brought it up from
the basement during our cleanup with the intent of
going through it. Luckily, I was able to open it with
borrowed cords. I can see the data, and made some
progress today, seeing that I can open some of the writings
on my Imac 20 inch. I had copied some over somehow.
The two old TITANIAN G4 laptops are also out of commission.
One that worked last time, will not turn on.
The older one.
The other is broken. Precipitiated by hinge problem
as reported on this laptop on the internet.
There was some phone numbers I might want to see
on the these, but I am feeling better about letting them go.
Got tired off the computer time.
Thought I would go out to a ROOTS SUSTAINABLE FOOD
meeting, but took a nap instead.
More computer of old stuff, then into the backyard.
Spent about one hour between throwing out a box ready
to be dumped. Went into basement, went through two or
three notebooks and filled about box that I dumped.
There is about one hour of work with some papers that
grab me. I would like to input them here.
What to make of so many Connections,
with notes and testimonials? Started some
connections that did not turn into friendships.
Some things I am Inputting:
RELATED
Show on Hoarding tonight.
Thanks for comment
http://www.aetv.com/news/?id=476698
I am going to tune this in.
in San Diego at 10 PM
on station #41
Here are videos online to watch from
this program
http://www.aetv.com/hoarders/
7:45 PM
Shocking watching episode #1 of THE HOARDERS
Looking at Part Three now...
The case of a little boy Alex is disheartening,
a psychologist is working with him. He cannot throw
away an torn empty box.
Input:
BEN FRANKLIN friend of DOTTIE WALTERS.
"I observed!" Ben Franklin. Dottie admired Ben Franklin.
Dottle and picture of me, May 24, 2003
Thown away.
Died Seed Dream?
These are the Amazing and Mystifying
Adventures of Leslie Goldman who came
to Speak and Grow Rich and in doing so,
grew the Enchanted Garden on Earth.
*Leslie,
I was sad and lonely before I met you
today. God has blessed me with many gifts--
knowing you is a new and lovely one.
Your good friend,
Dottie Walters"
"Dear Leslie,
The light in your eyes and your soul
melt me and make me want to share you
with loving gentle women who will also
see and feel your heart.
Love & Light & Peace
Pamela Grownes (can't read last name)
I threw out the contact card.:
Marci Shimoff contact info...
I did not know I met her then.
Feedback from Pacific Symposium.
What year?
Threw away the book.
Caristie Janssen (can't read first name....)
"Dear Jack,
I just met Leslie and spent 45 minutes
with him, and it is like I came over for the conference
from Holland just to let this connection to be made.
This man really knows where it, (life), is all about
in all its appearances, and has the power in a short time
to connet to the most emotional things in life."
7:55 PM
BERNARD UNTERMAN
Santa Barbara, CA 93101
"Leslie, let's co-lead a workshop in
Santa Barbara (Brazilian Herb Experiencing)
people can feel the action of the herb
by holding the fresh live lerb in their hadn
combined with a partner to accompany
them with their full presence."
From DAVID FORD
"Leslie does the true work of our medicine-
by going back to the Roots literally he holds
the sacred tradition alive."
8:03 PM
TARA ANDERSON
3118 Kimball Ave
Waterloo, IA 50702-5253
(319) 236-3363
Did I ever follow up?
Is taking the time to do these things
worth the cost of time?
What is my priority this new year?
From Tara:
"Tonight, Friday, Nov 5, was a wonderful evening.
The time I spend with ou I will always remember.
Thank you for sharing your gifts with me. You are a talented,
gifted, special person. Your heart and soul are
very precious. Thank you for the time you shared
with me. IT was a pleasure to have met you thank you!"
She bought YOUR CREATION
and GODDESS PRAYER
8:10 PM
Looked her up on the web.
She is in practice.
JESSIE
Dear Leslie,
I am a substitute teacher
in San Diego and wold like to call
you at some point in my teaching
career to do a program or two.
Thanks!
Jessie Paplee
619.788.264?"
JOELLE CACCIATORE
throwing away biz card.
Delightful lady from NPEW...
8:28 PM
Listening to THE HOARDERS in the background...
Bill...really a tough case....
what part am I hearing????
PATTY/BILL
ouch!
I would like Anna to hear this!
ROGER JAHNKE...will see him again this year
at the PAC SYM seed planted Alex Garden...
DEE DEE LINDNER...
organic flowers...NPEW...
no followup...
AMY SUTER
"PS When I came in I was blown away.
Unbelievable work and absolutely beautiful."
"Great job--you captured the excitementand happiness of our members
in your photos.
KATHERINE D'MATTIO
March 6, 04
SHARING IDEAS
Dottie Walters.
Did anyone carry one after she died?
Yes.
http://www.sharingideasmag.com/public/department70.cfm
8:51 PM
headache most of day.
Shocking listening to these videos in the background,
Motivated to do more in my room.
This was an experiment.
I am sure I will have more insights about this...
the time it took.
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