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Nightmare
Had a counseling session last night.
Inspired a nightmare about being under attack.
Looking at a list of overwhelming things that need
to be done. Where are my allies? What can I do first?
Date: 6/12/2009 10:56:22 AM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 1099 times
11;57 AM
O.K. N in the kitchen making breakfast while
I am cleaning a burnt pot.
Discussed some of the issues I wrote about in
this blog.
N has a very sensible way of looking.
Much appreciated in this moment.
I am putting some things in place
on the back porch.
N asks some good questions:
Is it worth doing? Is living were worth
the committment. Not worth it to live in resentment.
June 12, 09
8:01 AM
I was in a nightmare of a dream
when I woke up.
The dream was inspired by
something that J said last night
in our counseling session.
She was telling me about daily practices
she uses to shield herself from energies
that are coming at her by virtue that she
is in a leadership role. I am aware that when
I am writing, I am in a very open state.
There have been times lately when I
am fully absorbed in my work. Then I go
out unshielded. I am taken aback by
some kind of note on the board right
outside my bedroom + office where I work.
Last week the note went deep. Whatever
was on my mind flew out the window.
I spend a number of hours in feeling
thrown off by the energy I took in.
That incident led to going down the rabbit
hole of rabbid outburst of emotion coming at me,
a lot of emotion on my part facing trepidations
about the house meeting we had Saturday night,
some great suggestions and decision making
that actually went nowhere as yet, and a decision
to gear the Wednesday night class toward
THE FOUR AGREEMENTS, the important work
by DON MIGUEL RUIZ.
One of THE AGREEMENTS had to do with making
assumptions. Based on the history of the one
relationship in the house that often points the
finger at me, I did make an assumption that
a strong note on the door of this neighboring
housemates door, was aimed at me. It came out--
not through a direct communication--that
I and others here were "sick" and narissistic
about assuming the note had something to do
with me.
This nightmare--it comes at the beginning of what
I have proclaimed another summer of
THE GREAT EARTH CLEAN UP. I know this Clean UP
involves cleaning up relationships and possibly taking
a stand on who is living here and for how much longer.
This nightmare, it has to do with the shielding
I am not doing. I started to make a list after talking
to J. about all the people at this house who likely
are projecting negative energy toward me in one way
or another.
Some of this is more than justified in their own mind.
I am not a good manager. Why do I take so much time
to fix things? Why am I abandoning the house for my
other acitivities?
THE FOUR AGREEMENTS have to do with owning that
what is coming at us belongs to the other person's
perception of how they see us.
What difference does that make????
I am still taking the hit and the hit is disturbing.
I am not shielding. I was not ever aware that
I had to be shielding.
I can just imagine the fallout if I ask one of the
housemates who is not able to pay her rent or utilities.
She is liked by numbers of people here. I can just
imagine the distraction I will have to deal with
if I would ask the Housemate that put up the
note to leave.
I was overwhelmed yesterday seeing that I needed
to put in additional work into a story that I thought
was done. Then, I had in mind to write a note
to the one housemate who cannot pay the rent.
I am wanting to suggest at least part of what she
can do now to even the debt. She is not an easy person
to deal with.
I feel at my strength when I am absorbed in my higher
calling of activities. I am intentionally setting aside things
I like to do to pay attention to THE Great Earth Clean Up.
Yesterday, was the second day that I invested time
in cleaning and clearing the back porch. Marcia helped
me for six hours this week, and Hanna for two.
There is still stuff in the backyard.
When I look at the list of things, that need doing next,
It is overwhelming.
On top of this, I am not physically strong right now.
My left jaw is feeling a bit better, but I have been
willfully clenching my teeth, more than likely.
I talked to NUVA YEETAH again yesterday, and he
said something about TMJ and my bite.
I am also ignorning, or putting aside increased shooting
pains down my lower limbs into my feet.
I have a Report for Sales Taxes due by the end of the
month. I have two big boxes of things to do thought,
one with bank statements.
There is major work backing up on the computer before
I can take this in to have the Logic Board looked at.
I do not know how long that will take. I am tempted to
buy another computer and have that set up.
Standing between me and that are two old computers
in my space. One I brought up from the basement and has
old writing materials that are difficult to access.
I want to give that some energy and come to a decision about
what to do....
The other contains the program I use to make corrections
on my main old website.
It would be good to get that functional through using
Parallel on Mac. Catch 22.
WHAT TO DO FIRST?
1. Finish back porch...build internal energy before
reaching outward...
2. FM--photo for CHRISTINA LANTZ.
3. Clean up in my space.
Social activity tonight?
Oh, 3 PM meeting...
look up Electric Bill...
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