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I've seen the extraordinary. Now I need to learn to believe it.
I've seen the extraordinary, so what stops me believing it?
How I lost a million. Extraordinary things and miracles I saw on the way. What I have trouble believing and what my starting point is now.
Date: 1/24/2009 5:53:34 AM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 1629 times Another letter from the mortgage company this morning. I have no chance of paying the arrears. I am about six weeks off repossession. This time last year I would have been terrified and unable to sleep for anxiety. Now I'm calm. I just trust things will be alright. And if I lose the house, I know things will still be alright. That is progress I guess. It could also just be stupidity, but I'm choosing option 1.
If you are bothering to read this, you should know that right now I have not been a nice person. I have been a good and kind person in my life, but maybe just from a well-adjusted kind of apathy. Really I have been a liar, and a lazy person and a person who does things that seem kind for self gratification. I am still a liar. In fact, I tell so few people the truth that this is about the only place I am telling it, because I confuse even myself and I need to see what I look like.
Thank you for bothering. I won't lie to you.
I've always been a privileged person, and really this has been nothing to do with me. My Dad worked hard, he had a successful business. He left me money. Enough to have my own really nice home when I was 24, and other property that gave me an income to live on. In the past year I risked all of it on a business venture I believed in but knew nothing about, and lost it. Now I have to make my own way forward.
Here's the obstacles: the emotional ones are pride and shame. I have told hardly anyone the full extent ofthe loss. Lots of people expressed their concern to me and I shrugged most of them off. I've never really had to accept anyone's authority over me because even thought I worked, I didn't really need the job. I've never had to humble myself.
I owe my family and my friends money which I don't know if I will ever be able to repay. Someone might soon buy the business for not much but enough to pay them off, which will make it a little better.
Some small company tradesment worked for us, and when the company ceased trading, it hurt their businesses. It may have killed their businesses. Morally I owe them their money too.
Practically - I need a job that will earn me good money. Who doesn't? In this climate, where would I get one?
I have some good skills. I've been a good business writer and technical copywriter. I doubt it will ever pay the kind of debt I owe.
Materially speaking - I would like to keep my home. I doubt I can.
And I have to ask.... where on earth is God in this. I wouldn't be surprised if most of you find my faith naive and ridiculous. Often I do.
But then there is the other side:
In the past few years I have had prayers from my childhood answered. I asked to see healings. I asked for communication with the holy spirit. I asked to see things in my life that showed that the world is extraordinary.
I have seen a man cured of his asthma. The method was Past Life Therapy. I now believe the practice of this and am debating the principle. I watched it happen. He is in his 40s and the asthma is a chronic condition since school. He has pre and post medical records. His doctor says if she hadn't known him before she would have said he never had the illness.
I have met a woman walking the planet KNOWING the holy spirit (or call it divine connection if those words bother you) walked with her so strongly that she could call on it at any time. And she did. And when she did people got well. Pretty much consistently.
She helped me. And I took part in some of the healing work with her as an energy healer, which is one skillset I do know I have. There is one woman in particular who views herself as healed by us. As she is a medical doctor, with a practice of her own assisting people with conditions that modern medicine can't easily help them with, I reckon she is a pretty good judge of these things. But I find it hard to believe, even thought I KNOW in my guts it is true.
And through personal meetings, media and books, coincidences etc I am constantly bombarded with the information that life really IS what we make it. The world is constructed as we believe it is, and there is no reason why I shouldn't have the life I want.
Trouble is, I don't know what I want. And I don't know what God wants for me, and don't want to ask him in a way that is a cop out. (By the way, differences of opinion on the existence of God are welcome. Maybe there's another name for this power. All I know is there is a thing I call on which I find is responsive to my life and I'm setting out now to challenge it and prove or disprove it one some of its most outlandish ideas.
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