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depression, baby steps to recovery
lifes lessons
Date: 8/4/2008 9:29:30 PM ( 16 y ) ... viewed 2915 times HI,
I've been a member here at the cure zone for about 5 years, up until now I usually went to master cleanse or juice cleanse, something to cleanse my self out physically...now...I'm here. I am battling a depression that is beyond anything I've ever experienced. I have completly lost myself, and I'm so afraid I'm never going to get myself back. It's as if I'm sitting in my own dark bubble which is so gray and dark and not full of life, I sit and watch the world move around me, so full of life, and beautiful and colorful. I wish I could get to the other side, I have fallen so hard to whatever this is, I've reached out to drugs and alcohol to help me feel better, but once I was sober again it was still there just lingering above me, so I quit that. I knew if I continued to walk down that path it could suck me in farther than I'd ever intend to go. I am aware of that. Not to mention it's so out of charecter for me, I started smoking ciggarette, which again is out of charecter for me. I let myself go, I gained weight..but the whole time I had this bigger picture for me, I new what I needed to do and I new what I had to do, but I couldn't. I had a very tramatzing event happen to me a year ago yesterday, before then I was this strong, outgoing, beautiful person, popular with friends, a insipration to my family. Now I feel like this piece of crap human who has no right to live. I thought I could deal with anything that came my way... I was that strong. Until that day, which forever changed me, and now I'm just this weak individual. I stopped caring about life, I stopped caring about myself. Altogether, I just stopped caring. Here I am a year later, full of regrets, full of sadness, full of anger, full of hate, full of everything..more than anything I'm full of darkness. I don't know where to go, who to talk to....I dont' want ANY medication to help me out..I NEED to do this naturally. I have pondered suicide, but I just couldn't. The better part of be knows how stupid that is...but the dark dark side reminds me how much of a loser person I am, and how fat and ugly I've become and how that after that forever changing day for me..I'm just not the same..It's world war III with my mind my spirit and my demons...I can't begin to tell you how unsupportive the people are around me, to add insult to injury.."literally" I have people who constantly remind me how "not the same I am" (DUH you think, thanks for reminding me)..I'm not sure if this should be a blog, or where I should go, but I knew in my heart, I could turn to the curezone, becuase I'm reaching out for help. I dont' know if my depression is so far gone, or if I've let it go to far , which I kinda think I have, but I wasn't sure when to reach out...until now. I'm beginning to think this is my "end" for me. That this looming darkness is something far beyond anything I can control, and it's controling me. I'm beginning to think this is what suicide feels like before you actually attempt it...but becuase I'm still holding on for dear life, I thought I better figure out a plan, before that "plan" figures out me and I'm no longer here...I don't even know what steps to take, or where to begin, and I was hoping someone out there would have been in my shoes to help guide me off this path of darkness, because right now..all roads lead to that. Here's what I have done, I no longer drink or partake in any alchol or drug interaction, (man this is so real I'm so scared to admit these things) I have started the Master cleanse. I'm hoping a detox of my body, could be a great and healty start for my mind, but I can't do this alone. Not anymore! I give up in a good way! I can't do this alone any longer so here I am....I'm hoping someone will read this and know exactly what to do and share there almost similiar experience and want to give me some direction...
My name is Melanie..
thanks for reading...
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