Countdown: T-10 days until my Master Cleanse
Date: 4/18/2008 1:05:33 PM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 2480 times
I want to record my thoughts about food a week prior to my first master cleanse. This way, I'll be able to compare my relationship to food before and afterwards. Initially, I planned to start my cleanse today. I actually started to drink my first cup of "Smooth Move" tea. However, my dad is coming to visit me this weekend and next weekend I have a cooking class with my mom. I'm figuring that I will start my cleanse after I visit home because I called my mom last night to enlist her support and she was skeptical and negative about my plan. She asks me where I'm going to get my nutrition from. She doesn't understand that it's not a diet or a lifestyle, its a fast to supplement a healthy lifestyle and a renewed relationship with food. I'm not sure why I care so much about what she thinks, I'm an adult. But I I'm going to need support throughout my first cleanse and I'm certainly not going to get it from my parents other the next few weekends.
So, I decided to use this situation in order to better my understanding of my issues with food. I have had an eating disorder for 10 years. It has always had more power over me than I have had over it. Food has power over me and I want to reassert my power.
I'm going to get to the food:
My boyfriend's asleep. I always wake up before him! I'm making a little breakfast before i hand in a job application. So I decided to make oatmeal. 1.2c oatmeal with raisins, almond slivers and Maple Syrup (looking foreward to the cleanse, of course!). I also sip on a cup of coffee. I feel that the food has little taste. I eat it and I make another serving but add more Maple Syrup and cinnimon. I feel that I'd eat almost anything that anyone put in front of me. I'm embarassed to be writing this. Shame and Guilt exist in my relationship with food. They overwhelm me and leave me calling for more food, more, more, more! This happens until I'm ready to burst. Did I mention that? I'm a bulimic. It's awful really but I've been in treatment for 8 years and nothing has worked. I'm sick of it, I'm at rock bottom. I feel compelled to binge and purge. I want to feel compelled to do healthy things. I want to seperate my emotional emptiness with my feelings of hunger. I want to appreciate food as well.
So, this is where i am at today. I feel all bingy. gross. The food doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel like crap. But I'm not going to purge. NOPE.
This is my week before the cleanse! I'll keep you updated.
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