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I feel great! 19 y
progress
Every time I have a session with my therapist, I print out my blog entries and read them during the session...
Tonight was very interesting! After reading everthing from the past 2 weeks, he basically told me that he was proud of me for doing great stuff for myself. I broke out in tears. They were painfully happy tears....meaning that it felt great to be aknowledged for doing well, but at the same time I felt undeserving.
He pointed out that it is my deep rooted shame that sets up the illusion of not deserving to feel great about my accomplishments. It was quote a revelation for ... read more Tired 19 y
In my mind
Phew, I am exhausted! Day 21 of the cleanse! Last day!
I’ve been doing Bikram Yoga for the past 9 days and it’s really awesome. I paid for a 3 month membership for unlimited classes. I hope to keep at it until I leave for Florida.
I went on a blind date today and it was good practice for me. I was totally calm, relaxed and cool. Unfortunately I am not attracted to her, but like I said, it was good practice. I am not really sure how to keep things with this girl. I mean, do I jsut not call her, I don’t want to seem like a jerk. Do I persue the friends approach? I’m really no ... read more Neglect 19 y
need to move!
It has just dawned on my that I have been neglecting something that needs to be dealt with. I am moving in two months and have quite a bit to take care of before I leave. I have been lugging around tons of stuff for years and the place that I am going cannot accomodate all of it. I have started going through some of it, getting rid of lots of stuff, putting some aside for a yard sale, some to store at my parents house. But I really need to get a plan together to follow for hte next two months. I am a procrastinator and it will bite me in the butt if I dont start now..... visit the page My first attempt at journaling 19 y
Old writings from 5/19/2005
Well here it is, I’m in my spot….lonely. Time to get this stuff onto paper. Of course the music has to be right….I find it nurturing. I know I am an awesome person…these feeling are just feelings….I feel this way because I lack emotional connection with people. I’m sitting here in the moment….no distractions…except for the music…..becoming one with my loneliness. Some other feelings…the world is a crazy place…so many people on so many different tasks……so much negativity….so much hate…….it feels inescapable sometimes…….people are corrupt and those people have kids and raise them in the ... read more Euphoria 19 y
Things are good!
I dont know what it is, most likely the combination of everything that I am doing right now for myself. I should have written this down the other day when it hit me but I just didn’t! Well, the feelings are here again!
So the other day I had just finished yoga and was on my way out the door. Another girl from the class was leaving at the same time.....and this girl was yummy! So i put myself out on the limb and verified that her name was what I had heard her say to someone else. Now this girl has seemed very quite, shy, perhaps difficult to get to....well, I was wrong. As soon as ... read more The first date... 19 y
well not really
Well, the plans are set! 3 PM Sunday at, where else, Starbucks! The phone call went well, we have been playing phone tag and I finally won, go me! There was something I wanted to say at the end of the phone conversation to put her in suspense, but I couldn’t manage to get the words out.
So now is the time between the phone call and the date, well its not really a date, just a get together to see if she’s someone I want to have a date with. It’s been years since I have been on a date, but whatever. I just need to put the techniques I’ve learned into practice. And if I can keep my m ... read more One more day 19 y
radishes
What a day! I started by going to an AA meeting. Then I went to a Bikram Yoga class and sweat myself soaking! I like the yoga. I wonder how long I can stay with it. I plan on going everyday as part of an introductory special. That will be for the rest of this week.
I have been looking at a lot of raw food recipes and there are some really tasty sounding ones! I am excited to try making some. I know that will take a lot of work, but I hope to become very aware of what I am putting in my body. I also have been looking over a bunch of vegetarian indian recipes. For some reason I ... read more Sensing a problem 19 y
It's all between my ears!
I’m a binge eater on a long fast.
What will it take to get my eating under control? I can already envision myself eating pizza and ice cream and calzones and indian foods to excess.....because it tastes so damn good! Grrr.... What the hell am I going to do after this fast. I have read up on raw foods, vegetarinism, all that good stuff....but am I ready to let pizza, calzones and ice cream go? I know they are bad for me....but I still feel bonded to foods of the like. Do I just need to find suitable replacements? What about moderation? How about getting to the root of all this non ... read more Not feeling so good... 19 y
crapinzee
I find it helpful to write when I do not feel so good so here it is...
First of all, I am hungry. My roomate is eating ice cream....I really want to eat ice cream even though it is bad for me. I have been in a funk for a few hours now. I am bored. I took care of most of my chores and am waiting for the laundry to finish. I am lonely. I do not have any real plans for tonight. Now this is no different from any other night, but I feel lonely now. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to go to. But what is it that I want? Is it as basic as companionship? If so, why do I not feel sa ... read more Dreams 19 y
meat and potatoes
Hmm...quite a wierd dream last night.
I was this guy who had the drugs that the vampires wanted. If they did not have these drugs then they would go crazy and kill people. Of course, once they got the drug, they would go crazy and kill people anyway. But I was cool with the vampires....one of them was somone I do not recognize, the other, a co-worker. When my friend and I were trying to escape from the vampires, we met up with the ”friendly ones” but they made my friend go away. They told me that they let him go. Later in the dream I found him face down in the flood waters (obviou ... read more More food cravings 19 y
Calzones taste real good!
I really want to eat a calzone. A hawiian calxon from Joe’s Pizzeria.....ohh...it would taste so good! The cheeses, the pineapple, the ham, the dough.....oh it would be so good in my mouth. But not so good for my body......I really need to find new favorite foods. I just want to eat it anyway! I am a freakin taste junkie! Why oh why?!?!?
Well, then lemonade I just drank will tide me over....and of course, I can’t eat a calzone anyway, I’m still on the Master Cleanse.....
Off to the gym!
visit the page Wow! 10 days! 19 y
time
I have impressed myself...I have made it to day 10 of the Master Cleanse and plan to continue.
I also have learned that I am my harshest critic. I criticize myself and am not very aware of it either. Until it is pointed out to me. Something I should work on....
Sleep..... visit the page Cravings 19 y
I want it!
Day 9 of the Master Cleanse....I’m pretty impressed that I have been able to go this long.
I’ve been having some pretty strong cravings for Ledo’s pizza. Mmmmm...it’s so good!
The last few days I have been learning a lot about eating raw foods. I am excited to try some of the various recipes that I have found. I am a taste junkie and really am curious to taste some of these great sounding recipes.
I’m really not sure where I want to go with my eating other then healthier. I always eat in excess things that taste good. I’d just hate to fall back on my old eating habits, but at ... read more Just a dream 19 y
Failed again
I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I ate food and meesed up my cleans again. I was dissappointed for sure in the dream. I was upset that I gave in to temptation. Needless to say, I was quite relieved upon waking. This dream may have been a result of the last cleanse that I faild at day 8.
I am used to this type of dream. When I was very early in sobriety, I used to have dreams that I messed up and used drugs or drank. My support group told me that normal people dont have these types of dreams, but we do. They are very vivid! I still have these types of dream on the rare oc ... read more Headline 19 y
getting through it
I had an interesting experience today. I was making my lemonade and one of my rromates who knew about it from a previous discussion was asking me question. At the same time another roomate was there listening. I was answering the question without hesitation and going in to great detail with great comfort. For some reason I did not feel threatened by this other guy. Why not? Was it because someone else was there that seemed to approve of what I was doing. Or was it just the other guys personality that prevented me from projecting my thoughts into his head? Or was it because he seeme ... read more Thoughts on screen.... 19 y
yes, I'm wierd
Wow, I certainly didn’t expect so many people to view my post...and to thoes who commented, thank you very much.
Another day....
I ran in to the president of my company today at Wegmans (the grocery store). I was reading about enemas and colonics in a juice fasting book. He came up and asked what I was reading and I showed him the book. He asked if I was fasting and I immeadeately said no. I lied right to his face! Here I am trying to protect something again. As he was continuing off to shop he said, ”don’t fast, it’s not good for you.” And I said, ”just reading!” Whatever! ... read more Starting 19 y
This is not for people to read, I just need a place to dump my thoughts!
I just need to start writing. Because I have been so into curezone lately, and was suggested to make note of whats going on in my life, so why not here...
I noticed something today while I was making my lemonade. One of my roomates came down stairs and I felt the need to be secretive about my lemonade. He already knew a little bit about it, but when he asked me if I was still on the lemonade, my answer was kind of snotty. I had some difficulty during hte conversation. I really wanted him to go away. I did not want to answer any questions. But he seemed interested and not very jud ... read more |