Leslie,

I think you are too hard on yourself. Everyone always has to do homework and work on themselves however we all need love. I think if you found someone special in Best Friend you should hold on and thank God for this gift. I am sure you have a lot to offer Best Friend so the love flows both ways and you both help each other.
I would venture to suggest you should both live together. Best Friend has a large place and it seems has plenty of room in her house and in her heart for you. At the very least maybe you guys should share if possible 3 days a week like Friday to Monday.

My husband's family is preparing also for Rosh Hashanan. My husband never keeps track of the holidays; it is his sister who is really religious and reminds him.In the past I have always gone to my sister-in-law's house, but this year I am tempted for health reasons to stay behind. I have severe dental problems and I really can't eat solid foods. Being around her delicious thoughtfully prepared meal will drive me crazy. I am also looking very unattractive right now with missing teeth and scare even myself. I am totally embarassed and humiliated. It may take about a year before I can solve my dental issuesand hopfeully have a winning smile.

Each year around this time I feel like I am cheating; this is not my holiday or religion, yet I cash in on the great food. My husband makes a mockery of the prayers; he is really only about the food as well. I have been trying to get my family to meet me half way.

My husband does not want to do anything that is even close to being Christian. He goes crazy if there is Gospel music in any music concert we attend. On Christmas Eve I go to midnight mass by myself. He feels uncomfortable hearing the word Jesus. Often my son and oldest daughter join me. They are serious classical musicians and love to sing along with the choir. We celebrate the beautiful music and the joy of the occassion. I usually pick a church in Boston, where my older daughters live.It seems a shame that for the 80 minutes my family has to be divided. My youngest daughter is Wiccan and feels stepping foot in a church is against her religion. My other daughter prefers enjoying just the commercial aspects of Christmas. She is really into the gift getting and gift giving.I confess I am not part of this. I make homemade gifts, prepare music which I share with community centers and in people's home, convince others to join in a sing a long and love celebrating the Christmas season. I am far from perfect. I must convince I do cherish the day after Christmas sales and that has become a family tradition for us. We buy each other gifts on Dec. 26 which we pick out at 75% off. We don't have to stand in line to return anything since we picked our own gifts. Then we come home and enjoy our stuff together. There is no mess of packages and gift wrapping paper.

Are you now embracing more your Jewish faith? I know you were part of what I call the Harpo religion. He seemed to only embrace his own ideas and Jesus. Did you know that his local church in Alameda kicked him out of the congregation for his strong opinions and odd behavior? There was some peace that in the end they gave him a memorial service despite these differences.

I recently received a package of some of Harpo's writings. I have contemplated posting some of them. It is a lot to digest. He also received several thank you notes from people and his favorite radio station for his donations which were a considerable amount. It stirs up feelings in me me as he did not pay any of his own electric, water, phone or rent bills and evidently never thought of his own family and their needs. It is very odd that he helped strangers but not his own.

The only comfort is he forgot not just me and my children but all his brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews. I found a post card of New York which he evidently bought and never used. In my fantasy I take comfort in thinking he meant to write to me and had selected that post card as I live in NY. Supposedly he lost my address and had forgotten my married name. It is possible but he did write to me the first few years I was married and seem to be quite upset that I did not have a Christian home, that I did not go to church every Sunday and that my children were not baptized. He told others in my family that I was a "heathen" and I should be forgotten as I had married a Jew. He was such a strong muscle man but he never had the courage to tell me this to my face, on the phone or in a letter. At least then I would have had the opportunity to defend and explain myself. In fear of offending my husband I raise my children with no suggestions of Catholicism or Christianity. I now regret this. My husband does not really follow his faith and he did not take any time to teach our children anything about his religion. I was able to get him to help them with math and science projects. At the time it was really important to me, but I realize now they were cheated in a way. It is hard being a parent. I want my children to make their own decisions and follow their own beliefs, but they are missing their traditions from both of their parents. Thinking it was for their best interest they grew up without any religion or spiritual guidance.