i grew up in an alcholic home as well.So I totally know where your coming from. My mother would either be drunk when I got up to go to school or passed out or sometimes not home. She drank alot (and smoked alot) for over 20 years. She was very depressed and let it control her life. Eventually her doc gave her a pill (for depression- and Im not condoning taking perscriptions)but she quit drinking instantly. Maybe you need to take some vits that are good for depression or anxiety or something like that and it would help? She has been sober 9 years and she will now actually have ONE beer and can stop. I think you are giving the "disease" to much credit. I have read about positive affirmations and think they really help. you have to believe it is happening or has happened-change the way you think about drinking... it doesnt have control over you! This is all easy to say but sometimes harder to change the way you have been thinking for 34(me) years I drink to much,when I drink,and am trying to get a control on it as well. Someone awhile ago posted about candida and it being the root and I think they are right. I think if you continue with your cleanses and decide to change your life and stick to it things WILL eventually change. I think you are doing great and are very determined and WILL do it