hi butterfly,

reading your journal can be really heartbreaking sometimes. i give you credit for being honest and forthright, most people are not, most hide behind thick walls they have built up around their ego. you come across as one who wears her heart on her sleeve. people who do this are the artists, the lovers, the passonate and wounded souls who never really understand why life is so cruel.

i do not belong to any religion, but i do know that God is love and that the Eternal Loving Creator cares deeply for every soul he/she/it has created and truely wants the best for us all. The Creator cares for you, loves you, and wants you to heal. The Source of all is willing to help you heal if you just ask and open your heart to healing.

there are two things i think you would benefit from. one is positive affirmations. speaking out words that are true and beautiful begins to reprogram your mind and your heart away from the hurtful and damaging things that have been said to you by those who were supposed to nurture you but didn't, and towards a truer more real more loving reality. Speak out the affirmations everyday no matter if they seem to be working or not, and soon that energy will begin to manifest in your life.

say - "i am loved, i am a special and beautiful person, i am being healed from the inside out, The Creator is supplying all my needs." or something else that you think is good. too many people have said too many negative things to you and you believed them, now it is time to start reversing that pattern, and i know you can do it, i am sure you can, i believe in you.

also check out this site -- http://www.nderf.org

it is stories about people who have literally died, left their bodies, went to the other side, talked to God and angels, and then came back into their bodies. reading through these accounts always give me hope in desparate times.

ff