Man. I think I work hard, right? I think I keep plugging away and am not getting the results for my actions.
Clue #1. My actions aren't effective. Change them.
I just got back from an hour long power walk on my snow shoes. I sent out two overdue gifts and Valentine's Day cards. I feel good that I gave to others. But there's more. Much, much more expected of me than this.
Each day I've been getting out 15-30 minutes. I need to step it up. It needs to happen before I subject anyone to me for that day - in other words in the early morning. I need to be out there long enough to burn off 30 years of resentment, twisted thinking, shame, remorse and victimization. I need to be out there for an hour each and every day. I have been given so many gifts in this life and I have squandered them recklessly. Sometimes intentionally and sometimes not. Regardless of the intention, the end result has been the same. Waste.
The reading today asks if I really want the life I so obviously wanted before - hospitals, jails, broken relationships. Wait - you mean to tell me I wanted that? Well, what other explanation can there be? In the end, I get what I work for. If I work for nothing, I get nothing. If I bounce off of people hoping they'll take responsibility for me, I get jailed and hospitalized. Jesus, this is a big one today.
My two ex's are conversing ex #1 advised. He canceled our plans for tonight. That's okay. He still believes he's a victim of me. We were a drunken brawl, he and I. I am not here to change him, teach him a lesson, or demand anything. I am here to make amends to my son by being his Dad's biggest fan. Same with ex #2. I can only make amends by being his biggest fan. Now, will I step out in front of the car he's driving? No, I don't think so. Will I allow him to talk down to me? I will not react any other way than respectfully, politely, and according to the facts in front of me. I have stopped fighting everything and everyone. Thank God for that walk. That walk is the only way I can get to this way of thinking. Sanity takes the form in good brain chemistry and I am at a lifetime deficit that I am trying to make up for.
I can only support them to be the best that they can be. I cannot control how they think about our pasts, if they trust me today, or if they even like me today. If they need to commiserate as to what a piece of shit I am, okay. I've done a lot to them to open that road. I will not give another inch to my disease or theirs. I am a woman of dignity, grace, hard work, and honest self-change.
So, one hour a day outside before I do anything else. I've been doing my teeth for a little over a week now. So, now it's the bod. The TV's gone. Let's see how this flies.
Off to a meeting.
xo
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