- Remembering Dark Days by mariposa azul
15 y
3,097 2 Messages Shown
Blog: Cleanse My Bulimic little Secret
As I went about my day today, I kept thinking of all the time that I've wasted.
As a bulimic, you are consumed by food...how much am I gonna eat? when will I be alone to have a good time & eat all of my goodies? when will i go to the store to purchase...? what do I have at home that's good? or I can't wait to make...? or jeez the list just goes on and on.....time wasted.
or the time that's been wasted on the actual binge/purge.
or the time that's been wasted when I could have been more with my children?
or the time wasted where I could have been with husband, family, friends? or for books, hobbies, excersise, or new things that I have always wanted to try out?
It is important that I feel it as it actually was.
A waste. Time I cheated myself out of.
I think it is important for me to acknowledge this truth.
As sad as it sounds. It is what it is. I can't get that time back. But Hell, I am moving forward!!!!! I feel empowered to be what I was meant to be in life.
If anyone asks me how I am doing it??? All I can say is that I want to LIVE!
I felt I was truly going to die if I didn't do something about my bulima.
For the past few years....I wanted to stop SOOOOO BAD. I felt I would die of a heart attack. I felt my daughters would find me dead on the floor. I imagined every single day not waking up in the morning. I imagined sadly my daughters without their mother. I saw my husband without a wife. I would cry. And still there was no stopping it. I would say to myself, this is the last time! Yet 2-3 purges later on the same day would leave me feeling defeated. It was ugly.
What makes it so different now? God, I wanted to stop so badly then too.
I feel that now I am willing to do the work.
It's not something that you wish for & expect to come true.
It's not something that your pray for & will be granted.
You are the key. I am owning my key.
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mariposa azul
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- Re: Remembering Dark Days by luvjoy
15 y
1,966
Sweet Mariposa Azul,
Yes, sometimes it is good to study the past to understand.
I love the author Eckhart Tolle, especially his book entitled "Stillness Speaks".
Listen to what he says of suffering:
"Is suffering really necessary? Yes and no.
If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion. You would not be reading this now. Suffering cracks open the shell of ego, and then comes a point when it has served its purpose. Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary."
That says to me that there comes a time when you have learned what you were meant to learn from an experience and it is okay to move on with grace and joy.
You also prompted me to think of what we do to "escape" for awhile. I told you in my original comment that I still binge. What I call a binge now, however, is just mindless eating (because that is the point, right? - to quiet our mind?) A binge to me is if I eat when I am not truly hungry, that grazing through the pantry, the fridge, the cupboards, looking for....what? Something that is not to be found there. I am learning to sit with this feeling and ask myself what I REALLY want. And it is NEVER food. Sometimes it is a nap...sometimes to accomplish something I have been putting off...sometimes to go snuggle my husband and sons and tell them how much they mean to me...sometimes just get in the bathtub with a great book and not feel guilty for taking time for myself...sometimes to take my dog for a lovely walk, breathe the air and soak up the sun. By the way, what kind of dog did you get? I love puppies.
Another thing I used to do for "escape" was to come in my office and play computer games - just Scrabble, Hearts, Solitaire, whatever. Something to force my mind to focus on something other than...what? I'm still not sure what I try to escape "from".
Anyway, my family makes resolutions for ourselves on New Year's Eve. We also make predictions for each other which is fun and sometimes serious and sometimes silly. This year my resolution was to stop playing computer games. One of my sons asked what would happen if I DID still play computer games - like if they came in my office and caught me, what were the repurcussions? So I said, "Well, maybe I could say that I would have to hang up your laundry for the rest of the year (a job they seem to particularly dislike) - or maybe I would have to pay you each $100!" My 12 year old son said, "Maybe we just wouldn't think as highly of you anymore." Ouch!!!! Needless to say, the bad habit of computer games has been broken. I haven't played one since Jan. 1.
Baby steps.
So, Mariposa Azul, remember the dark days for what they can teach you and move into the light.
I hope I don't sound as if I am preaching to you - but I think we both know that it isn't really about food.
Peace, love and joy!
Marie
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luvjoy
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