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Murdering Life
(Plant Your Dream!)
Yesterday, I spent the day in Basement Cleanup. I consciously decided not to go out to the Farmers' Market. Here are some of my insights.
Date: 7/28/2007 7:40:50 PM ( 17 y ago)
7:16 AM
July 28, 2007
___
I finished my Sales Tax Report
Thursday, four days worth of
going through the bill and letter drawer,
downloading/Uploading tedious Paypals into Quicken,
looking at Financial Info Notebooks
with tons of dead outdated material.
I resolved, as usual, to improve my systems.
I came away with Hope that I was
seeing the Errors of My Ways
and Necesary Organizational Steps
that could lead to taking on Non Profit Status.
In Truth I have said this before,
but maybe my systems have improved,
and now is the time, to go further.
Meanwhile Anna and Scott had been working
in the basement.
Scott left me a message that he felt resentful
because I had called for so much work and seemed
to not be doing any myself in the basement.
I explained what I had been doing.
Then yesterday, Anna was still working in the
laundry area down there. I had a mass of dusty audio cassettes
stored on top of the Blue Shelves that I had said
to Clean Up there.
I thought to go down and put in a Day of my Life
in this Cleanup.
The following Blog came out of my First Full Day
of Cleanup in the Basement.
I hope that you find some meaning in the Journey
of my Life now.
Each of us are entrusted with just so many days
of life. Life herself is asking something
from each of us.
Leslie
_____
Barely feel I am surviving a nightmare
right now.
I was just murdered in a dream.
In my dream,there was something I wanted to tell Anna
about the cleanup.
Maybe I wanted to tell her something about
this audio tape I found in my cleanup.
It was an unopened cassette called "Fragmentation."
Maybe it was something I wanted to write up
for our 9:30 AM meeting today
RE: The Basement.
N. speaks about seeing what we want to Keep
and letting the rest go.
Here are some BIG questions:
What am I suppose to be doing with my time now?
What is the Highest Option for Life?
Yesterday, as I took a journey down memory lane
in the basement, where I have tons of storage--
dead storage I have not looked at for years--
I got into some boxes--were they coffins?--
of old audio cassette tapes.
I spent the day working on boxes of these tapes.
I started to make sense of them.
I started to use my mental organizational ability
to go through them, and make piles.
One pile was for cassettes to return to Pacific College
of Oriental Medicine. Maybe there students would like these?
I put those tapes in on yellow miso bucket.
Then, I gave myself the privilege of having one yellow
bucket for tapes that had no energy for me.
Isn't that great? There were actually some tapes that
had no meaning!!!!! Wow!!!! Great going Goldman,
you found the courage to actually throw something out!
That miso bucket was about five feet away across from
the formerly named Agnihotra table Now covered with a piece of Rhimax,
and consecrated that the sorting area.
Gratfully I am outside, sitting in under a natural umbrella
made of the Cheramoya tree and Pineapple Guava.
I was suprized how many of those tapes actually flew from
my hand and made it into the circular opening, sort of like
I was shooting basketballs.
What business did I have collecting these tapes in the first place????
What did I imagine I was doing?
Is this what I mean by Recording the History of Peace on Earth,
the Title on my main website, and umbrella for what I Imagine
my Life Purpose to be??????
Http://www.Lesliegoldman.com
Mr. Achivist doing various Enchanted Garden Projects.
What is all this Recording on Tapes about?
What was I attempting to Hold On to?????
What was all this Stuff that seemed so important
that was taking space in the basement?
Hadn't all the energy been used up in these tapes?
Was there really anything of Value in these
other than what I could learn from tossing them out?
Did I imagine that the Past was more important then the Zen
of nothingness of Openness?
Does every space have to be filled to Validate that
I have lived?
What was I attempting to Capture in all these tapes?
I really got into yestesday.
I completely forgot the present and the future.
August 30: That is the deadline for the Inside Cover
for the poem I do each year for the Speaker's Handbook
for the Pacific Symposium.
I also get a page for an advertisement.
Then I give them a beautiful Altar for the conference
and I get to promote what is important to me.
This Pacific Symposium is my main Fall money making activity.
____
[ See that Blog here of Altar Photos:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=2018
Would you like to be a Sponsor of the 2007 Pacific
Symposium Plant Your Dream Altar? ]
____
I have created a lot of beautiful advancements in the
Enchanted Garden work this year--lots--but it is not in focus
right now.
My FUll of Life Creations are
Stuffed in between tons of weighted down shelves
in my room.
Diane Foxwell, who works for Teeccino Herbal Coffee
is an Enchanted Garden Club member. She was in my room
sometime in the last six months.
She looked around and felt the energy.
Everything is this room I valued to the point where
as she said, nothing had value.
Oh My God. In having so much, everything was choking
for life.
I talked to Judith Larkin Reno this week.
We did a counseling session over the phone.
I want to give myself credit for at least bringing up the
subject--The Cleanup--
I was mainly thinking in terms of the Stuff in my room,
not to mention the Hurculean Task of the Basement Cleanup.
Our basement is so dead in energy and chaos
that earlier this week a Possum was found in the corner dead.
Anna imagined that maybe it fell down there
and was trapped by all the mops stuffed in the corner.
"Should I save these mops?" Anna asks.
Use your judgement I say. I had too many thoughts
on my mind to say, "Get rid of them!"
Energetically, maybe he/she --the Possum-- was ready to die
and saught out a suitable cemetary spot.
Oh my God! What an Indictment I am writing here
for myself!!!!
yesterday, between the activity of going through
tapes--
Old music tapes of others
Old workshops tapes of others
Old Conference tapes of others
Old phone conversations of former lovers/friends
that once seemed so very important but have little meaning now--
I found numbers of tapes that still had meaning.
I found three tapes of Paris from former years.
I listened to one Old Tape that I made with Paris
years ago, mayin in 1999.
He was singing me the most beautiful song about
the Enchanted Gardener and the Enchanted Garden.
I played through.
On the same tape was a lovely healing session
i did with Jeff Brown, a housemate around that
same time. The healing session was profoundly
moving. I rarely do that kind of work, except
maybe at occasion conferences.
Jeff is now out in the world traveling doing
the Non Violent Communication work. He is a tremendous
teacher I am sure. He has moved on. I am here with
my tapes.
I was stunned by the quality of the work.Jeff and I were doing
as recorded on this tape.
It was uplifting, and also made me sad.
It comes so easy to do that kind of life
generating work, but I so seldom do it.
Paris is my housemate now. He is immensely talented.
The other night he sang Beatles song at our house meeting.
It was so sweet, I was stunned.
I had to ask him to sing it again.
I came upon some old taoes
of John Bradshaws work.
I also came upon some one of a kind
interviews with Bernard Jensen that
later turned into books I helped him write.
II.
Judith Larkin Reno:
I did not say what she advised:
She said, meditate on being Zen,
having less. Then take on a stance
of Radiant Ruthlessness.
Don't even look. Just toss out.
I would be terrified to do such a thing.
I would be afraid that I was throwing out
something Valuable.
After all, what I saved gave my life meaning
right? It had Value, right?
What sense did it make to throw out what gave me Value?
It was to admit that maybe what I thought had Value
had no Value.
It was to admit, the way I am living is a waste of Valuable
life.
William Spear, is the author of "Feng Shui Made Easy."
The book is translated into 14 languages, I believe.
William is a masterful teacher. He was a personal friend
of Elizabeth Kubla Ross, who detailed out the Death and Dying Process
for many of us. Ross speaks about letting go. She speaks
about grieving and releasing.
William says that before you can do Feng Shui in an area--
in other words, get a Space energetic full of life and the Space Clear,
you have to start with Black Bags. In other words, before Life can come in,
you have to get rid of the stuff.
He once told me I had the Not Enuf syndrome.
I can see where feeling I am Not Enuf compels me to take on
too many things.
I can go so far as to put into tons of energy on a project
to the point of completing the MS.
Then, I send the book around.
It gets criticized. I feel Not Enuf.
I think the book is Not Enuf. So it gets shelved.
It becomes a Still Birth Child.
People who are Enuf take the criticism, make the neceesary
corrections, and keep going until they the project
reaches orgasm. People who are Enuf have less stuff
I sense and lots of space.
The orgasm comes when the project is released.
The release of seeds becomes pregnant with life,
makes a baby, the baby becomes a mature self generation
form of new life for the world, and the parent--author--
gets the satisfaction of adding Value to the world.
In the case of an author, the book brings back a harvest.
____
Last week I was with Deborah Szekely,
co-founder of Rancho La Puerta. People come
to Rancho La Puerta as much for the things
as the Open Space of not having to Address Things.
I sense that a truly Wealthy Person has fewer things.
_____
III.
Crying, crying manuscript
on the chair.
Came up yesterday in the middle of basement
foundation work.
Really got engrossed in what I was doing.
Then, on the chair was this book I wrote
that was stuffed in a pile with other books
I had written.
Paris and I had been breathing new life
into this Essene materials the day before.
We could see that it was great.
I could not see that all by myself.
We could see that this PIT--Prophet
in Training Material-- was brilliant
and timely. I wrote that material in 1987.
IT could be the basis of some Internet Radio shows
we could do this late Fall or around Christmas Time.
The material on the chair right now was crying,
it was crying for my attention, but I was
emersed in Old Tapes.
8:23 AM
July 28, 07
____
8:24 AM
July 28, 07
I have a meeting in an hour
on the Basement. with Anna and Scott,
God Bless them.
I am going to do some work down there now with the stuff
in the laundry area.
Enuf is Enuf.
___
Related Links:
Glutton? Are you One too?
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=2527
Clutter and Debt:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=2528
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URL: http://www.curezone.org/blogs/fm.asp?i=972103