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31 Days into it
(Back to Myself - Summer 2015)
31 Days In
Date: 2/10/2015 11:30:03 PM ( 9 y ago)
It's a sunny warm afternoon 31 days into my fast & I'm feeling peaceful, very deeply peaceful, restful, just resting after a bit of minor difficulty this morning. I had cramps again today in the lower abdomen, they have been around back & forth quite a bit since day 21 when I passed all that clay - wow, that was 10 days ago! They had kind of subsided but this morning they were back & more painful & annoying, I didn't think it was going to help but I tried a bit of an enema with just some water & castille soap & now feel no more cramping, passed a fair amount of stuff again - nothing thick or smelly like before, I had eaten a small half red pepper stuffed with rice mixture on day 29 & on day 30 I had eaten 2 sardines (abt a third of a tin) and 1 steamed beetroot and a few spoonfuls of saurkraut - so I had again had a very small amount of food but what I passed was more than the food I ate - it seems that when I do eat something after not eating for a few days or longer etc that it has this action of releasing more fecal matter inside me - so maybe the eating a little bit now & then is good in terms of helping to move stuff along - I haven't had any other sennakot or enemas since the last time I wrote on day 28 - and haven't been drinking as much the last couple of days, I just got to this strange feeling not really wanting anything a lot of the time - today I have had one cup of tea, one large watermelon juice with lime & cilantro, one hot chocolate made with water, and now drinking some coconut juice, yesterday was a bottle of kombucha, a glass of coconut juice, a glass of warm water & lime, & maybe 2 cups of warm stuff - herbal coffee substitute etc - so down on my intake of fluids over the last 2 days - probably should just make myself drink a bit more, the desire has really dropped off - not much energy, and after the cramping and enema I felt just like laying down gently for a bit - not sleeping, just meditating & thinking.
Feel a bit ? something, how do I describe it - I know I've got to this feeling before when fasting, it's been a long fast & I get to this place where my desires are just less & less, there is some boredom at times that flickers up, the lack of comfort of flavor and texture or food, but even if I eat some very small thing it can be very unsatisfactory, not in the sense of having hunger etc, in the sense of the feeling I have being like a kind of slow inner restlessness - an itch that can't be scratched sort of deep inside - ennui? Something hard to describe or understand - will probably head off for a kayak after writing this, try to gain some insight into it, I feel peaceful at the moment, this feeling not so present, it is this feeling that cuts my desire for even the liquids I drink - it's like there's this part that just doesn't want to do anything - very unstimulated, I don't know - it makes me feel directionless though this is not actually my state - I've been very competently, expertly moving through many things all during this fast. Perhaps I'm closer to a place inside that is beyond worldy activity & desire. An unfamiliar state of being so peacefully beyond that no desires motivate me, still one is in the body and my rational mind knows its better to go for a walk or paddle or do some activity towards various ends - very much a feeling of being outside all this while very simply maintaining the ability to complete these actions (at a slowed down pace sometimes) with such inner peace and detachment. Detachment is a good descriptive word here - its certainly deepening my ability to observe rather than react & see things as if from above.
Subtle, maybe this is very powerful for me to be able to recall this state, to be in it now & this peaceful detachment, to be able to utilize this view to transform my consciousness. Where is this fast going? What goals have I? I remember or know that I had the goal of losing weight, renewing myself, my energy, uncovering my youth & health, discovering anew my beauty - these things are slowly progressing as is the deep detoxification of my system & the elimination of build up in the bowels it seems, something I haven't experienced before as on this particular fast.
I'm interested in colon cleansing on a deeper level but not sure of how to go about it or is best for me. I've been interested for a long time in the possibilty of removing any mucoid plaque, there's different ways to do it, I don't have access to or want to pay for a series of colonics, I would be more likely to make my own home colonic if I were to go that way - there is some palm oil fiber cleanse that looks very easy online which is pretty expensive, might spend the money if I was convinced it would be worth it & do the trick but I'm not really sure if its genuine, etc. A bit stuck there, lol - do I get some kind of supplement thing or just keep fasting, doing enemas now & then, I do feel like juicing more now so have got a big bit of watermelon & some kale - probably should get a couple apples & do a watermelon juice in the morning and a mixed apple/kale/ginger/carrot etc in the eve...
Feel a bit floaty, dizzy, tired some days - then days like today I'm clear headed, not dizzy at all - certainly able to go kayak or bushwalk etc - the weather this week has been very hot then cold, that is difficult for me and I find the swings in temperature knock me around - cold weather makes me want to eat something, hot weather makes me tired & dizzy etc, its good when its more stable then the fasting just goes really smoothly. I'm so deep in this fast now that I couldn't eat much more than something the size of a deck of cards if I wanted to - the stuffed pepper was nice at first but didn't make me feel good hours later, I think it was too much of a spicey/oiley food - I've found that oil etc is not a good thing, a bit of pickled fermented veg seems a kind of tonic and goes down really well - or a bit of meat -- haven't really had much food at all, which highlights the experience of having had any and how that's been. Feel a bit not sure if I should push on or try and slowly ween off the fast - if I go on like this it feels likely that I might alternate between a couple days of liquids only then some days have a few spoons of pickled veg or a bit of meat etc - a piece of chocolate - not really going off the fast, more grounding myself when I do get too floaty, or having something for flavor - etc - a bit of a boredom point? Missing the comfort of normal eating? I can easily go on - perhaps this is how I'll go on for the next week - continuing on with this feeling, a bit of a limbo place it feels like in one way though it is a progress going on underneath that feeling all the while. Writing this to myself to remember these experiences. Getting warmer it feels like this afternoon - I'm not sure if I will make it to the river or not. Well, perhaps a strange entry for me today - more soon, feel like I'm waiting for something.
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