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Self Inflicted Suffering
Today I am taking time to take in more of the medicine
that came from opening my heart. Today I am watching
the patterns in myself to rescue and be a victim.
Date: 3/4/2005 12:03:50 AM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 1740 times I am having a difficult wake up today, doing a real good job of beating myself up. The meaning of the words in the triangle Rescuer, Perpetrator, and Victim are alive in me. I can relate to being all three right now. I am experiencing Self inflicted suffering.
I have been doing a good job separating from what has felt like an unhealthy relationship, a relationship that went through the various stages of romance, deep friendship, and much Soul Growth, Soul growth that comes to point out the places where I am causing myself pain and need to mend more cracks in my wholeness.
I notice in the hallowing of my myself, I, like many others are deeply seeking the remedy that will restore us physically, We would like to do a cleansing. We would like to take something in that will remove something, eliminate some toxin or parasite, but often we are not looking at the energetics. If we were consciously working on the emotional cracks as life reveals them--and relationship points them up in our faces--we would be running a stronger, deeper energy, a Soul-inspired energy that would not leave us open to what we name disease.
Dr. Bernard Jensen--one of the elders of the Natural Healing Arts (See his bowel cleansings book online in the Curezone books: http://curezone.com/books/online/bowel/ ) had some of the greatest natural remedies a person could possible find, but every Wednesday night and Sunday at his Hidden Valley Health Ranch, he began his lectures with spiritual lessons and motivation.
He knew all his vitamins. He knew all his foods,
but his business card read, “Set your Mind and your heart on higher talents.” When we do this, we are running these deeper healing energies.
Jensen always used the words “dis ease” to point out that it was our unprocessed lack of ease that lead to what we name diseases.
For my own healing, I have felt it important to create distance between me and my former Beloved. Our four year relationship began with beautiful romance and soul, mind, body connection, but then in the stages when the honeymoon was over, and the cracks began to show, we did share the willingness to go through the cracks together. She wanted one thing. I another.
I have found it possible to switch from being a lover
to a friend in many of my relationships, but in this relationship, it was too difficult. She wanted to be friends, but every so often we would reconnect physically.
Many times, we would have a falling out on the phone. She might simple say she could not talk. We would part for weeks at a time. I would go through a sense of grieving, and then come to some resolve that it was best for me to go my own way. I would determine to do this. I would separate in my own head and find peace and strength. Weeks would pass. Then, at the place where I really felt I had let go, I would get a phone call from her. We would start relating again. I would let go of all the healing work I did and Band-Aid my life together. At least she was there to keep me from feeling loneliness, and as she wrote in one of her poems, “ I was using her as a Band-Aid for my unfulfilled dreams.”
At the beginning of the year, we had one more breakdown that followed two months of silence. I resolved that it was time to seek my Inner Lover, to enter a deep phase of decluttering and organizing, I resolved to let go of her, and create new space in my office and bedroom for first of all, my own inner Lover
to find comfort, and then to retool for a new time of
dream fulfillment that would come out of inner work.
One space--to the right of my bedroom window, I had not been able to clear for over three years. Finally, I cleared it and set up some lovely pillows.
All was going well in my separation, but then, after a month or more passed, I received e-mails from her. I never got a phone call, or a personal e-mail, just an e-mail that she sent to her list. Each time I received one, it would throw me off emotionally.
I had let go of her at a new level, but I had difficulty responding and simply saying, “Please take me off your list.” I was afraid to let go completely, to face the abandonment feelings. I wanted her to simple know not to email me. I did not want to have to say the words.
Sometimes, I would get one of these e-mails, and just put it in a file unread. I was still holding on.
Meanwhile in my healing from intense diarrhea, I discovered a remedy--trace minerals-- that were helping me. She has a condition that I felt sure the trace minerals would help. I also wanted to tell her about the Curezone. There was a part of me
that still wanted to help her, and did not consider
the consequences.
Finally yesterday, I wrote her am e-mail. I began by saying that it was not healthy for me to be receiving her e-mail messages. Then, I thought, well as long as I was saying goodbye, I would tell her about the product that had been working, and tell here about Curezone. I sensed that if I saw her name on Curezone, that could be uncomfortable, but
I felt it was more important that she find out about it.
I ended my e-mail asking forgiveness for us both.
I knew we both wished the best for each other. When I sent the e-mail, I felt relieved. I felt I had let go and opened a space for something new to enter my life.
Not long after I sent the e-mail, the phone rang. I imagined it was her. A few hours later, I received an e-mail from her that said “Reply.” I did not open it. I simple put it in the file where I keep some of her unread things.
I felt if I read it, my thoughts would be dominated by whatever she said. I felt she was wanting to have the last word. I did not want to get into another round of e-mails in reaction to something
she said.
Last year, I attended a workshop where the concepts of a Rescuer, Perpetrator, and victim were explained. I know I still have a lot to learn about these ideas and how they apply to me. Most recently, I had a coaching session where it was pointed out most definitely that I was attempting to rescue one of the house mates who was not able to pay rent for a long time due to ill health and inability to help herself find a job. I was asked by my coach, “How long are you going to suffer and cause your own self pain? Aren’t you going to accept that you have to take care of your self first?”
I am watching fragmentation in my life, and the leaks of energy that come from this situation. I am watching the loneliness that comes from unfulfilled dreams. I am looking at cracks that stop me, and emotional breakdowns that do not turn into breakthroughs.
I imagine that my former beloved may likely have
stronger boundaries than I. I imagine she has learned to declare in our relating exactly what she wanted and what was good for her. She is standing up for herself.
I also see where in doing more than just saying
“take me off her list” I was attempting to rescue her. It feels so very painful to hold back information from a person you love, or care about, but we have to do what is necessary to pull our own lives together, to mend our own cracks.
When I person rescues another, we
imagine the other person cannot find or do what they need to do for themselves. When we rescue another
offen we are interfering in their life, and the thing they may want most is to stand up in the face of other people and find their own way. This morning I am feeling victimized by my own thoughts. I am looking through a book I have had on my shelf by Jessica Bear that describes Bach Flower
Essences I can take. It is called Who “Reigns” on Your Parade.” I have a sense it is I that is reigning on my parade. I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes from Emerson about letting go. I am going to spend this day clearing more space and recognizing what a valuable day this is.
I know I have a lot more to remember from the medicine that comes from having opened my heart to love. Hopefully, the pain I am feeling today will add a little more Soul Growth to my own life. I am grateful to take this time to write. Sharing this helps.
“We cannot let our angels go. We do not see
that they only go out that archangels may come in.”
--Emerson
I have written Seven Love Cures that are on this
website, and that were inspired by my relationships.
I also have some free poems here:
#95, 4/27/05 6:05 AM
#101, 5/11/05 8:36 PM
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