my name is Lindsey

I'm Mama Crow's daughter and I'm almost 16.

Mama let me read in here to understand my dad. But I don't. Mama divorced him when I just turned 7 and Laura was almost 4. He was real mean to us but mostly mama. He is older. Mama married him when she was 18 and he was 35. He has two other daughters (my half sisters) and he abandned them when he married mama. I now have a realtionship with them and they are now 31 and 28 years old.

I love my dad and i miss him very much and i don't know why really. When mom and dad were married he always took job real far away and left mama and us alone for real long periods of times with no car and he didn't send us money like he was suppsed to so we went without a lot of the time. I remember mama having to borrow a neighbor's car to go grcoery shopping, but most times we had to walk to the store for food. It was a long walk. I remember being jealous Laura got to be in the stroller. I rmember mama taking in boarders to help with the house and groceries. We had a sheriff and his sister living with us for about a year to help mama. We became such a happy family with them. I miss them. This was a long time ago.

When he'd - my dad - come home to visit us it was always fun. He took us to fancy restaurants and fun places like the zoo and sea world and six flags. Then he'd vanish, and we'd be starved again for food and love. I remember waking up at night when he'd be home on a visit, and hear him yelling real mean things at mama. I'd cry. Then get mad. But then the next morning he'd be so happy I'd forget all about it. I remember it now though.

Mama really tried to keep our family together. When he took that last job in Washington DC mama moved our entire house by herself in a large storage unit. She packed it real tight all the way to the ceiling. And we surprised dad by showing up at the motel where he was staying. Mama drove us up thereand it took us three days.

We settled in Richmond Virgina, and we lived in a townhouse, and we had none of our special things. I remember shopping at garage sales for our furniture. I was so happy to see my dad again. I was a daddy's girl. His Pooh-Monster.

Dad was real mean to mama and real nice to us. I was real mad at mama when she left him and came back to Texas. And after Mama left him he decided to move back to Texas for good too. After the divorce he wanted to see us all the time. I look back on it now and realize he helped me stay mad at Mama. He would tell me terrible things about her and I beleived him.

He moved far away to Houston, but still saw us all the time. He even took us to Houston. Then things started to happen that I knew wasn't right. Like one time he took me and Laura to a party, and we had to stay there all night. And when it was time to leave I was scared because I knew he was drunk. I was scared all night that night because all the grownups around me were drunk. I told him I didn't want to go. I held on to the stairs, and he grabbed my arm real hard and squeezed with a caring smile on his face because other people were watching. When I started to cry, he squeezed harder. I cried all the way home scared we were going to have a wreck. When I asked to call Mama the next morning to come get me he wouldn't let me.

I called her anyway when he fell asleeep on the couch and Mama drove all the way to Houston to come get us, and he wouldn't open the door. I looked out the window and cried to see Mama out there to take us home, and he wouldn't open the door. Mama stood out there and cried too. Mama went to the police but they said they couldn't help her. Mama had to drive all the way back to Abilene without us.

The next time we went to Houston, dad was blowing into something in his truck to make it start. We thought it was really cool. Like a magic trick. One time we had to get in there and he asked Laura if she wanted to start the truck for him and of course she jumped up and down and said yes!

When we came home Laura told mama about the magic trick and how she got to start the truck for daddy. Mama got mad. I could tell.

Now I know what that was, and why he had laura blow for him. That is not right.

We never had to go back to Houston after that, and I was happy. I love my dad but I didn't want to be so far away from Mama any more after that. I didn't feel safe anymore.

Mama put us in counselling, and we scheduled a meeting with dad. I was brave to confront him on some things, and we had my counselor there and a police officer there to make sure I felt safe. I stood up to him. I was 11 years old. I told him I loved him but I didn't appreciate his playing with my emotions anymore. Twisting the truths about things. Taking us to parties and driving drunk. Having Laura blow into the breath thing on his truck. In front of everybody he denied it and told me I was exaggerating. My dad called me a liar in front of everybody. I was scared and shocked.

Mama took him to court after that. The judge listened to Mama, and me, and dad. Dad denied everything and told the judge that Mama is sick and needs help. He told the judge that Mama is feeding me lies. The judge told dad that there will be no more visits to Houston, and when he comes to see us in Abilene that we have to have supervised visits from now on.

Dad cried in the elevator at the courthouse. He told me he loved me with all his heart and that I will always be his Pooh-monster even though I was making a real big mistake here. He told me he's sorry he's not good enough dad to me. And that one day I'll grow up to realize there is no such thing as perfection, and I'll also learn the truth about everything. Mama said, "Frank. Please stop." Dad winked at me.

That was five years ago.

I never heard from him again. He never called, never wrote, never sent us a birthday card. nothing.

Part of me wants to call him. Part of me wants to write him a letter and send him my picture. I've grown so much since he last saw me. I'm real smart and in all advance honor classes in high school. I made the high school basketball team which is hard to do. I feel guilty for driving him away.

Sometimes I feel it is my fault, even though I know it's not. Sometimes I feel it is Mama's fault, even though I know it's not.

Sometimes I am real mad at him, and sometimes I really love him. Sometimes I just wish he'd come back and love us.

Mama says as long as we are underage she needs to protect us as much as she can, but when we turn 18 we can do as we please in regard to Frank. I understand what she means, i think, but part of me resents her for that.

And then I feel guilty some more.

I have so much more to want to talk about, but I've talked too much already.

I have a wonderful step-daddy. I used to call him daddy. He loves me like a real daddy. But now I don't even want to call him Daddy anymore because I keep thinking about Frank.

Am I turning into a bad person?

Mama said I'd probably find some real good friends here to help me understand what going on better. She said she's too close to the forest to see the trees.

Mama already gives me good advice, and I told her that.

But Mama said sometimes you need to hear the voices of someone else to make my voice have credability.

I love my Mom.

Am I okay? Should I call my dad? Or should he call me? Should I write my dad? Or should he write me? Who is the responsible one in this situation? Should I make the first move?

Why doesn't my dad love me?

and please forgive me for the typing I've said too much to go back and fix it. If it were a paper for school i would. In fact, Mama proofreads everything for us before we turn it in, but I'm on my own with this project. well, kinda. That's why I'm here!! I don't want to be alone anymore.






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