Water Fasting Day #13

Date:   7/13/2013 2:15:00 PM ( 11 y ago)

Very tired today. It’s 3:00pm and I’ve slept on and off all day. So tired. I’m out of breath from just rolling over in bed or walking from my bedroom to the bathroom. Sometimes I get dizzy on the way, and have to sit on the couch for a few seconds, and then it goes away. Need to careful when getting up too quickly. I’ve been having the weirdest dreams I’ve ever had in my life. Last night I dreamed my dad died. He’s already dead. It was terrible. Then dreamed of car accidents, and then my therapist hiding me in her house in a drawer that included a bed, as I was fearful of my ex-husband. My ex is a sketch, A therapist friend (not my therapist) told me to write down everything I’m grateful for so this weight loss mission doesn’t become a suicide mission (in my mind it already has). I couldn’t think of anything due to my judgement being impaired. I have family and friends but feel like a burden, so that didn’t cross my mind. I isolate and rarely see them or talk to them. I rarely leave my house (or my bed) except to go to work, some of which I can do from bed. I have a $35,000 check coming in the mail, and I really couldn’t care less at this point, where I was excited about it prior to this fast. When the sight and feel of my ribs and hip bones become more important than anything else, logically I know that’s a problem. It’s very easy to get sucked in to. It’s happened before. I was hospitalized weighing close to 85 pounds at 5’ 5" a few years ago. When I left the hospital a couple of weeks later, I couldn’t fit into the pants I wore upon admission, because I was up to 120 at that point. I couldn’t button them, and was pissed, even though I did enjoy having my breasts back. I vividly remember breaking down in stores while shopping for pants, and having to shop in the little girls section for clothes. I went quickly from a size 4 to a 2 and then to a 0. After that, I tried the teen section. Nothing fit there either. Cute little girls jeans with bedazzle-looking crap on the back pockets did nothing for a woman who had to dress professionally for work. I settled on baggy size 0’s, and often cut holes in belts to use to keep them up. Oh, the memories.



 

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